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Elin
Senior Contributor

Difficulty in Sharing - Second attempt.

 Difficulty in sharing.

Hello everyone, hope this is in the right place. I am now classified as being elderly almost 70, but I have always had difficulty sharing my thoughts, and feelings related to my bipolar experiences because of incredible shame when looking back on all the crazy things I did in the early days. And I didn’t want to acknowledge I had a mental illness, I wanted to be accepted as normal. I think I have more stigma about mental illness than others have towards me when they are looking at me many disbelieve I have a mental illness because I have a lot of talents which I do use to the max.

My dad rejected me in my early 20's and that hurt me deeply he refused to visit me in the Psychiatric hospitals. Also, my boyfriend dropped me like a hot potato.  It took years to get my self-respect and dignity back in the community then I would go and blow it again sometimes I took myself off my meds sometimes I was still on them when I went into a high. Anyway, it has been 40 years or so since my last big episode but just recently I have just come out of a 10 month high. (A lot of stress leading up to this one) I was able to conceal it pretty well until the last six weeks. My psychotic episode really kicked in on my FB posts actually there were a whole lot of triggers, it all made perfect sense to me and many others didn't even notice anything amiss but a few close friends did and apparently asked my spouse if I was alright. My spouse says he asks himself "Is she or isn't she?" I disguised my manic thoughts very well because subconsciously I guess I had doubts until the very end when my beliefs grew stronger with so-called 'supposed evidence' until I reached the point that if I denied my 'psychotic' beliefs I felt I was denying God and lacking faith. My religious belief system kept me from being a reckless spender or promiscuous, but my libido was high and I did donate more than a usual amount to charities but not excessive amounts at all) however I crashed big time about one month ago. Confusion plus, confusion, then despair, punctuated with irritability, horrors of a deep blackness of what might lie ahead great fear as I struggled to understand what was real and what wasn't, wishing I was dead but not willing to do it because of pain to my family and because of my faith beliefs. Then fluctuating back to the safety of my psychosis momentarily. My spouse pulled me out of this episode with sharp cruel comments when we were having a disagreement about something.  He now admits he was hurtful and very unkind. All he said was people had been asking about your state of mind but in a very sarcastic way, he admitted that later. "People' to me meant the whole world.

I didn’t want to take more meds other than mood stabilizers because of weight gain problems however between my Psychologist and Psychiatrist I finally agreed to a two-week trial. It is good to be getting quality sleep 7-8 (even though it leaves me drugged) instead of 4-5 hours and the inner anxiety has largely settled. I still feel a bit reclusive and I have lost my confidence to do all the responsible jobs I was doing at church. But the medication they put me on and weight gain ugh, double ugh. So I am eating lots of healthy salads, I was a vegan anyway, which controls my psoriatic arthritis. My main problem is the fear of rejection I guess. Even my spouse doesn’t understand and heaped verbal abuse on me at first he won’t learn any more about how to handle me when I am unstable, in a way that will elicit my co-operation, although he is much better than he used to be. He has his own struggles and relationship issues which a certain natural medication has really helped. He used to blow his top then feel so bad.

 Anyway, that's all I want to share right now, one-day things will be different. Come to think of it, I believe I have/am actually sharing quite a bit here, cause it’s safe, I think so anyway, I hope it is. Who reads these posts anyway, the Government, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, and or fellow wounded travellers on the journey of life??? And that includes all of us really, if we are honest doesn't?

 Jesus is coming soon. So I hope you are a believer ‘cause that is what has saved my life many a time. Jeremiah 29:11. I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 I will be okay, I trust you will be as well. 

1 REPLY 1

Re: Difficulty in Sharing - Second attempt.

I will be writing a postscript to this experience one day soon.

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