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Looking after ourselves

HopefulWarrior
Senior Contributor

Chasing some words of wisdom

Evening all

 

How's things? I hope the weekend is being kind to you

 

Chasing some words of wisdom ... To avoid sending myself down a rabbit hole of negativity when comparing myself 2 others and what they have achieved

 

Back story for context:

Former house mate text me to say hi. And we've chatted a bit today via text.  

 

This girl I rented with for way longer than I should have and in alot of ways was a big piece of the cause of depression and anxiety I now experience. Not blaming her, I didn't have the guts to assert myself and felt responsible for her. So stayed in the friendship/living situation to my detriment.

 

Anyways she seems to have really landed on her feet, changed jobs - enjoying it, gotten married, set up home...

And then I find myself looking around at my life and frankly I'm still in the same hole as when we stopped housesharing (which frankly was a shit fight in itself)(friendship blew up and didn't talk for a couple of years)

 

I know comparisons aren't helpful. I'm genuinely happy she is doing well. Just find myself thinking shite what the hell have I been doing - oh yeah that's right - surviving- doing the same shit over and over again.

 

Any advice or thoughts would be great.

 

@Dizzylizzy @Maggie 

@Shaz51 @NatureLover @Guiding_Light 

 

 

21 REPLIES 21

Re: Chasing some words of wisdom

@HopefulWarrior  I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I understand some of how you are feeling.

I sayed in a toxic friendship way longer than I should have, and for the same reasons. Asserting ourselves doesn’t come easy to some of us. Even though my relationship was toxic, it took time to work through the feelings of loss. Strange, as it was a relief also. And as you have said, it was to my detriment also.

 

Do you have a counsellor irl.? I find talking it through has been helpful. Fortunately, it was a conversation I had been having for a while with my counsellor before the relationship ended. I couldn’t find a way out.

 

Surviving takes energy, lots of energy. As for comparing, we all do it. But we only see or hear a small window in the life of someone else. It might not be as rosy as it sounds.

 

No wisdom, just a little understanding. Sending some 💜💜💜

 

 

Re: Chasing some words of wisdom

@HopefulWarrior I'm all out of wisdom but I can tell you that surviving is one of the hardest things to do, it takes guts and perseverance and scraps of hope and repeatedly facing the darkness and fighting chaos in the mind and overcoming impossible battles and living with despair and hopelessness and falling into deep, deep holes and somehow after a long time getting out again and doing it all seemingly alone as no-one else can see into your mind. 

 

So I am patting you on the back for achieving way, way more than the average person does in a lifetime. 

Re: Chasing some words of wisdom

@NatureLover 

Thx you! As I sit here pondering whays next you've reminded me to see how far I have come.

 

Have just been contemplating using an unhelpful behaviour to help switch me off, bring me down a few notches - your post reminds me I don't want to go back to that. It's about moving forward even if at snails pace

Re: Chasing some words of wisdom

@HopefulWarrior 

Those relationships are so bittersweet, and although you've been changed by the bad parts reconnecting after time brings back those feelings of friendship.  If you were close and enjoyed each other prior to the change that led you down your path, then it's a decision you need to make.  Do you want the reconnect, does it help you?

I've been in a similar situation and it really is dependent on what you need.  Resentment or the "what if" scenario is a place that will only damage you... first priority is you.  If you feel establishing a connection is a good step to moving on, try! It won't be the same but may help you on your path forward, be that letting go, a return to friendship or confirmation that it isn't a place you want to return.

I have spent a lifetime of avoidance  and being ok with things I am not ok with, it's hard to make choices, happy thing is you can always change your mind!

Re: Chasing some words of wisdom

@Trikarri 

Lovely to hear from.someone who gets it.

 

A while ago I know it would not have been helpful to re connect, but now it does feel a bit easier. And funnily enough as I was texting today, something that in past has sent anxiety shooting through the roof, I was repeating to myself - she can't hurt me anymore - I'm my own person who can make choices. 

That's a real change of perspective for me which I was very happy to realise. 

 

I think I'm going to keep the distance - my MH is not crash hot at the mo and don't need anything else adding to the stress. But know I don't have to avoid altogether.

 

Thanks for your reply

Re: Chasing some words of wisdom

Hopeful Warrior I never could accept a compliment - I still struggle with it but I'm getting there. 

I'm unsure as to why you care about this friends success - yes you can be happy for her but it doesn't make you a lesser person.

 

confidence in ourselves is hard to find especially when we put others first. If we put ourselves first we feel guilty - not sure why but that's how I feel.

 

i can give you words of wisdom but they won't help you at this time.

 

please remember it's not wrong to put yourself first - if you don't care for yourself no one else will. 

 

 

Re: Chasing some words of wisdom

@HopefulWarrior 

Forever welcome.

we make our own choices,  own that anxiety and let it help you move forward.  You're stronger and more you than you think.

:)x

Re: Chasing some words of wisdom

hey @HopefulWarrior I don't really have anything to add but im hearing you. there are many in my world who have risen above or improved while im still stuck in this shitefest.
reminding yourself of the positives and how you've improved sounds like a good step to me 👍💛

Re: Chasing some words of wisdom

Greetings @HopefulWarrior 
and others of the post @outlander @Trikarri @Tay @NatureLover and all who may come.

It looks like you have alot of good support here with some good points, I enjoy writing, it just seems to flow and pour out of me so i'm just going to allow that.

Never forget the presence, (not that it's something anyone could possibly forget because it always is the present), it's always the blank canvas to paint what we want and freedom out of any troubles.
Suffering (not pain) is only ever created by the mind going into past and future which neither exist right now, they are non-existential. You can't do the same shit over if you are aware of this truth.

Comparing with others is an interesting subject, comparing is closely connected to the word competition, sure, we've all done it at some stage or another in our lifetime, infact,
in order to be born on this world, we all have to win the ultimate competition which is the race against millions of other contestants to get to the egg, so in reality, we have all already won, and that is; the gift of life.
Competition can be in a healthy way too such as in sport or where friends can lift eachother up and push eachother past their limits with support and inspiration, for example; with gym partners or athletes.

We also see this play out from childhood with siblings, competing for the attention and love of the parents in many ways and forms.
Though, this doesn't mean that we all have to keep doing it once we have made it into this life.

The main thing to understand here is that none of us can compare with anyone, you are the best in the universe at being you and no one can ever beat that. You have never been before, in this unique form that you are and you will never come again in this exact same form, and that is precious, it is rarer than the rarest of gems, and each and every one of us shares that rarity and so we can all celebrate eachother,  to validate and celebrate eachothers differences, this can allow for more respect and unity among Humans and for all life.

We are all unique and wonderful aspects of creation in our own ways, we all occupy a piece of the puzzle which together makes the whole picture, without you and each and every one of us the picture is incomplete.
There is a common saying that people have said which say's "no-one is perfect" or "everyone is perfectly imperfect" but i'd disagree with both and instead say that: Everyone IS Perfect, because to say that they aren't implies that there is another way for them to be other than the way they are, and the way that they were created to be, suggesting that what they are looking at is some kind of mistake, as though there's some kind of mistake in the artwork of God.
So it's their definition of perfect which needs re-examining, but we can also respect and acknowledge their viewpoint and playing the character of "the art critic".

For example, we could try to compare Messi with Ronaldo, two of the greatest footballers of all time, but it's impossible to compare them because they are both different beings, playing different roles, they are working with a different life, different physical and psychological dimensions, completely different energies, incomparable; yet all are part of creation.

Likewise, we could try to compare Messi to say... Gordon Ramsey the chef, or a chess player, a figure skater or even a fighter pilot, they are completely different beings, not necessarily by what they do (which is an extension of them), but by their unique expression of creation, no more or less than eachother, yes they have different talents and abilities, because they have a different calling in life, created for different purposes, on different paths and journeys, but the sun doesn't shine on one more than the other. Each has a place and all belong.
(I'm going to briefly dip much deeper now, so just ignore it if it doesn't resonate with you or you don't understand it.)
This is also why the idea of "equality" is very silly and an illusion because it's both impossible and completely unnecessary, it becomes quite hilarious actually to the awakened, because God doesn't need to be equal to itself/ourself.
Some may be on their 10,000th incarnation and others may have been all over the universe on their 10,000,000,000th incarnation, they may play different roles, but regardless, all belong to the same creation, one is no more or less than the other, all are worthy of their part and are precisely where they need to be.

My uncle died an alcoholic, but he'd always say  "I ran my own race" and I think that's important to remember.

The origin of the type of unhealthy comparing that we see in society is very much the result of our programming through education systems, aswell as the influence of media and movies from Hollywood with the superficial attitudes and behaviours to be accepted and included by others, to "fit in" the mould just to be valued and respected.
Brainwashed with this false illusion that we are all suppose to live upto their superficial, limited and shallow image of what "cool" is, or "beauty" or "success", all because they said it's what it is.

The more awakened one becomes, the more one can see how insane most of humanity is, though it is improving now since 2020.

The best way to be in my experience is filling our own cup and investing in ourselves as you are no doubt finding out in your own way, becoming sufficient by our own nature so that then we can give to others effortlessly.
In my view, only then is any kind of relationship with other really going to be stable and worthwhile, because others will then come along who can support and reflect those new states of being in a sharing and a giving to eachother, rather than trying to extract the joy from eachother wanting them to fulfill us and trying to complete eachother, that never ends well.

There's no mistake about where you are now and it may appear like you are behind others, but you're exactly where you need to be otherwise you wouldn't be there. And there could be greater reasons for that which may not been seen just yet.
We may not see the things going on behind the scenes, but rest assured, there's a reason you're here on this world at this time and things are lining up for you how they need to at your own pace.

Many who go through what we have as lived experience takes many years and decades to transform and recover and could say that we have decades "missing", but internally for those of us who manage to transform that into our gift and wellness, we end up growing far more internally than what most will in a lifetime or several lifetimes.
Everything that most people do is in search of happiness one way or another, whether it's buying some chocolate or a new car or house or going on a holiday or getting married, it's all temporary states of joy and temporary fulfillment outside themselves which lasts only for a little while before they are chasing the next thing, but for us who go through transformation fully; we've already found what they will spend their whole life looking for, that we can be happy not because of anything in particular, or because of someone else, it's already here.

There is a saying "you need something to be unhappy, but you need nothing to be happy" (self-enquiry meditation to the "I AM" and holding no thought or character, carrying no weight, happiness is our natural state of being).

True happiness isn't an addition to the mind but rather a subtraction of all that is heavy,
it is when all the crap goes, and the happiness naturally sprouts from the deep.

That is true and incomparable happiness,
and that is sufficient.

Namaskaram,

Guiding_Light

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