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Looking after ourselves

familymember
Contributor

I think I need advice on settings boundaries with my mother

Hi everyone, my mother has very strong narcissistic qualities and she has always done what she could to sabotage me or keep me down. The flip side is she also sucks me into being her "support" when she really needs to take care of herself. She retracts any sort of niceness or love when I don't do what she wants.

I always knew she was neglectful and self centred but now I know why, she's not well. 

Does anyone else have a parent who is a narcissist (or Borderline) and how do/did you set boundaries with them? I have succeeded with my sister but it's harder with a mother I think.

 

Thank you

 

3 REPLIES 3

Re: I think I need advice on settings boundaries with my mother

hi @familymember and welcome!

@Faith-and-Hope is really good at helping with boundaries. F&H i cant find the link on boundaries you shared with me.. do you still have it as its really good.

One thing i have learnt is to try to take a step back. my family is quite over bearing and have very high expectations of me so cna understnd abit of whats happening for you you so when things start to get overwhelming i try to just get away and have a breather evne for a few minutes, sometimes i use the bathroom excuse and just spend a minute of deep breathing to regather myself.

Another thing is to increase my self care after a visit from them or when ive hd a rough interaction. something that just brings abit of peace for me its arts and crafts, others like gardening..

Re: I think I need advice on settings boundaries with my mother

@familymember your post reminds me of my relationship with my mum and the professionals.

Re: I think I need advice on settings boundaries with my mother

It's my mother in law who is like that @familymember .... she will pull you close, then saboutage your life, then push you away .... recurrent pattern.  I have learned (the long and hard way) to keep her at arm's length.  I am polite with her, but a little bit formal.  I will respond to what I need to, and occasionally offer her small gifts, becasue material things are a substitute for feelings and affection in her world .... so it is speaking her language if you like, and takes the edge off the fact that I have her at arm's length.  If I didn't do that, there would be a constant hostile tension.

 

I had to make the decision whether to keep the relationship, or remove myself from it (as other people who know her have chosen to do), but there would have been too many other relationships affected, and there are aspects of knowing her that are positive .... they just need to be managed.  It's superficial, but that was a situation not of my making.  She is unwell in a similar way to your mother, and she has suffered traumatic life experiences which mean she has probably lived with untreated PTSD for most of her life.

 

Here are some articles I found that I hope are useful for you, but there are many more if you want to go looking.  There is not a 'one size fits all'.  There will probably be bits and pieces in different articles that you will relate to, and begin to build into your way of thinking, and your responses to other people by trial and error and by practice.

 

🌷 F&H

 

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways-to-maintain-boundaries-with-difficult-people/

 

https://www.johnshopkinshealthreview.com/issues/spring-summer-2018/articles/how-do-i-set-healthy-bou...

 

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-people-cross-your-boundaries/

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