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Looking after ourselves

Re: Just checking in.

Hi everyone, and extra hi to @Teej @Faith-and-Hope @CheerBear

 

CheerBear FYI I had a very brief forum dream where you wrote a post to me using "vorticonal" instead of "vertical" as a joke Smiley LOL

Re: Just checking in.

😆 love that @TheVorticon!

Re: Just checking in.

What a crack up @TheVorticon 😆

Re: Just checking in.

Haha yeah it was too funny and random not to share 🤣

Re: Just checking in.

Just checking in (taking a 'pause' moment before starting the day).

I'm finding things tricky at the moment with lots going on, lots of bouncing between things, and lots to think about. We've been to-ing and fro-ing between home and parents house more often than usual. It's (mostly) great to be with them though the flip side is being busier than usual. Our house is a huge mess as I haven't had the time to properly tidy up for a while. I find it hard to settle when the house is the way it is at the moment. Chemo starts this week. We don't know what day yet and I'm finding that hard as plans are up in the air until we know. I like being organised and I like plans (I think I like/need control really). This whole thing challenges that in so many ways and is difficult for me to sit with.

We've also had a tough time with the one of mine (the one that I have most concerns about). They melted down in a full blown panic, triggered, emotional storm. They were talking about the time leading up to when life went bang and said some very red flag stuff about things that happened that they said I don't know about, they haven't told me or anyone about, and that "were very bad". It was one of the hardest conversations I've had with any of my kids. They didn't disclose exactly what the bad things were which left me with all kinds of what ifs. The next day I told our family support worker. It took everything I had in me to do because I'm so, so scared of services reacting in very unhelpful ways as has happened too many times in the past. She was reassuring though and put some plans into action to get proper, helpful support in place. I had big, giant thoughts of doing terrible things to their other parent that I wouldn't act on but that do eat at me. I feel so angry when I think about it all (angry doesn't even begin to describe what I feel really).

Usually this is where I'd write some kind of plus side, fun moment or fluffy nice thing to end on a happy note. I'm not going to today, not because they're not there but because I'm always trying to put on a happy face. My happy face is tiring me and wearing me down a bit now.

Thanks for reading if you did. I hope everyone is going OK enough.

Re: Just checking in.

Just sending a message of I hear you and feel for the big feels you must be having. @CheerBear . That’s a lot of big heavy to take on just now. 

Re: Just checking in.

There is a lot happening for you at the moment @CheerBear My thoughts are with you.

@Teej Heart

Re: Just checking in.

Thank you for listening and hearing @Snowie and @Teej. ❤ to you both

Re: Just checking in.

@CheerBear Not sure if this is appropriate, relevent or helps but I was thinking that that one of yours trusts you. It is a big thing for a little to come out with now but it’s the best time it could as they can get help now when it will have less affect down the line. You’ve worked hard to earn that trust and deserve it. I hope they’ll disclose when they can sooner rather than later. Id imagine of the list you wrote this one would be the one eating you up inside. Please keep remembering that you didn’t do anything wrong. You did the best you could and still do. 

I believe the one that is struggling at the moment will get through this. You have great support systems and small villages. 

In the meantime I can understand that you are feeling 😖😞😔☹️😩🤬🤯 and that’s ok. Take care 💜:face_with_rolling_eyes:

Re: Just checking in.

@Teej thank you and that does help 😘 It's pretty much what the family support worker said too. For me it's that thing where thinking and feeling don't quite line up. Where on the one hand I think I did everything I could have with what I had at the time. I tried so hard to stop what I knew was going to happen (without knowing exactly what was going to happen but knowing for sure that it wasn't going to be OK), but there was only so much I actually could do. But on the other hand I feel so guilty about it all. Like maybe I should have done more, maybe I should have done something earlier, maybe I should have spoken up and out sooner and louder. My thinking vs feeling mismatch can be really problematic 😑 I have a feeling that one is well understood here.

I'm kind of scared to know what they're holding in and I feel bad about that and bad saying that. But I also know it is better that they talk if they need to.

Anyway. Thanks again for listening. I haven't really been around much and will have a wander later to see if you've mentioned how you're going (as in, I'd love to hear how you're going).
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