Lived Experience Forum

[grubbytoes]

So a little while back @Pulch wrote a post that led me to book by Brene Brown (gifts of imperfection), which then led me to the idea of self-compassion and this great website, by a researcher called Kristen Neff, which I would love to share with everyone.

http://self-compassion.org/ 

So according to the researcher, self compassion is when "we give ourselves the kindness and care we'd give to a good friend". It is a skill that can be learned and improved on and it is made up of three areas: self kindness; mindfulness; and common humanity (recognising that suffering is a shared human experience) 

Her work also challenges some of the social ideas we take on that our unhelpful to our wellbeing e.g. "I need to be critical of myself to achieve and improve"

I've been looking around the site it seems like it has some helpful videos explaining what self compassion is, and the difference between self compassion vs self esteem. There are also some guided meditations and exercises that I am looking forwarding to trying out.

AND there is a little quiz where we get to test our skills in each of the three areas. Aparently, while I am doing pretty well at the self kindness thing, I still have, shall we say, lots of room for improvement when it comes to the mindfulness and common humanity stuff.

I am going to try to learn some more about this self compassion stuff and see how it helps me with my general wellbeing as well as with managing my symptoms

So ... thoughts?

[Mazarita]

Hi @grubbytoes. I haven't explored much of the site except for the quiz. I was highest on isolation and mindfulness. My lowest score was self kindness. Overall I was about average on self compassion. I'm not sure what I think of the quiz. I was just curious really. I do agree that an attitude of self compassion is important. I went to hear the Dalai Lama speak some years ago and he was talking about compasion in general. He told us not to forget to be compassionate towards ourselves equally with other people. It made perfect sense to me and has stayed in my mind for many years...

[grubbytoes]

@Mazarita, yeah I have to admit I've been trying to make sense of the different componants as well.

I think I understand the idea of self kindness and mindfulness because those are ideas I have heard about before in Buddhism or Zen or Yoga, and self Kindness is something I have been working on a lot lately.

... but I 'm not really sure I understand 'over-identification' which is one of the unhelpful traits and I scored high in this, so I need to reduce my 'over-identifying' I guess is what it means? 

So I am going to check out the videos where she explains each of the different aspects and see what I can learn.

[Appleblossom]

I reallly like the site too @grubbytoes .. but couldnt find the quizz. Klutz on the web still.

I started looking at this stuff in the the early 80s and it resonates a lot with me ...

I like that Kristen Neff did a solid psychology study in morality .. and discusses a lot of similar but different concepts like self-pity and self-esteem.

For me "over- identification" tends to involve a merging of the entire self with the issue, and an inability to be aware that there are parts of the self that are not actually hooked into ... the behaviour, the negative thought etc .. I have big issues with merging and attachment but as I am getting older can often catch myself ..

Thanks

[grubbytoes]

@Appleblossom Thanks for that explanation of over identification. That's actually an incredibly clear and helpful definition, and it makes a lot of sense to me now that I would be high on over identification. Now that I think about I do, VERY OFTEN, merge my sense of identity and self with my stresses and issues. 

Oh the quiz is here  if you're looking for it. 

[Appleblossom]

Glad it made sense. @grubbytoes 

Thanks, I googled quiz and the site and went straight there ... I was moderate on all things between 2.8 and 3.5 ... a 3 for over identification.

Just been reading about "Choosing a safe support community" on

http://n-continuum.blogspot.com.au/2010/03/choosing-safe-cyber-community.html

I think @GothMum mentioned the writer ... "willieverbegoodenough"

[grubbytoes]

@Appleblossom WOW! to the link about choosing a safe support community. I was reading that thinking ... "that shit actually happens .. on SUPPORT communities! Man I dodged a bullet stumbling onto this forum first!"

...and of course thanks for adding your contribution to the discussion about the self compassion stuff. I hadn't realised that this stuff has been a part of the wellbeing conversation for so long already.

I am going to keep working on further developing my own self compassion skills. As well as helping me with personal growth in general I think it will also help me with my Bipolar... especially with being more kind and accepting of my self rather than getting caught up in frustration and judgement of myself and what I can and can't do well on my more intense days.

 Heck! Surley improving my mindfulness skills has to at least help me identify early signs of an oncoming shift and be more aware of what my triggers may be.

[Appleblossom]

There is so much out there about well being conversations ... but until we actually take part ... we dont know how we will fare ... I guess cults can occur online too.

It is the reason why I try to respect the moderating on this forum.  Though I am not always mindful of all the possible consequences of what I write.

I am trying to relax as well as be mindful and sometimes those attitudes are not aligned.

Good Luck @grubbytoes

[MoonGal]

Hi @grubbytoes, thank you so much for sharing this topic. In my quest for an easier life, a more settled and serene life I have read alot of books from Buddhism to psychology and back - yet despite getting many good ideas and practices, including such things as radical acceptance, or starting where you are etc,  from all these books (which in essence are just other people's ideas) I still struggle with self-compassion so this is a timely post to build on top of my realisation earlier this week about letting go (everything passes - good, bad, indifferent).

I have read Brenè Browns great book The Gifts of Imperfection so am familiar with her work but had not heard of Kristen Reff. I had an appointment last year with a practitioner of mindful- self compassion. It was an eye opener for me just how my gnarly critic voice consumes and ruins anything good in my life with her endless negativity and self-harming thought processes, but it is a life time's practice to have made such a strong internal enemy, so I guess it is a life time's work to gentle her, understand her, accept her brokenness and at the same time in a loving way not let her rule my mind/life.

I love the description of the three elements of self-compassion on Kristen's page. I think this is very similar to the practice I have been doing after listening to Jeff Forster's suggestion mentioned here (in one of my responses not the original post) to 'hold' the hurt, the sadness (hold with love and understanding). That is being self-compassionate too. Some one else mentioned that this could possibly be misconstrued as "holding it in" - the practice is very different from that - it allows us to let it out, see it, hold it gently, just sit with the mess, the pain - just love it gently.  I imagine in my mind's eye whatever the detail or fear, or sadness etc that has risen up and is affecting me to rest in the palm of my cupped hands as if I am caring for a little injured fledgling bird, or some other rescued animal. And in the holding of that I am being compassionate towards myself.

I love it that these conversations are arising here, the struggle is immense, having people to share our experience strength and very importantly our  HOPE  is wonderful.

Thank you @grubbytoes for sharing Kristen's work, I have ordered her book "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" from the library too.

_______________________________
PS: Some books or videos and websites also might not necessarily be helpful. In my own opinion, in review of a book by author, Katie Byron in her book 'Who would we be without our story", I came across a discussion where survivors of C.S.A were asked to identify with their abusers and it was suggested that they may have invited the abuse to 'learn a lesson' in life. Even contemplating this viewpoint was extremely distressing and damaging to me when I encountered it. We do need to be discerning when we seek alternative things to assist us.

[Appleblossom]

Yes, it is a great conversation ...

Yes, we need to guard our mental well being from negative things online as well as irl.

Someone recommended Katie Byron to me last year .. and I thought she was ok .. but just ok .. so didnt pursue it. 

I have found SANE forum site far more helpful... I dont really like the guru approach .. I prefer the we are all human approach.

In trying different therapies, I have been told smilar things as in your caveat at the end of the last post ...

eg "reverse roles" is a technique often used in psychodrama ... but it should not be applied willy nilly ... it can be destructive ... if the director is impatient and not intune or aware of the full situation being addressed by the client ... there may be a time and a place for reversing of roles ... so that a victim can see things from the role of a perpetrator ... but it needs to be at the end of extensive work on the issue... probably negotiated from knowing the REAL readiness of the client .. and not for the director to show off ... yanking people around ... hmmmm.

In some ways I am glad I did not have much money to spend on therapy as I may have had more work at undoing the damage.

eg.,  I was told I had to find "the learning" ... as if set by a divine being as a test ... re abandonments or suicides etc ... from atheists and therapists and christians ... or that circumstances were due to karma - for my actions etc.

Now I think those people were just tossing off psychobabble and didnt know what they were talking about, nor were patient to try and understand my predicament or capacity for work.

Back to self-compassion ... others will probably never really know us that well .. so it makes a lot of sense that we can be our best self-healers.