Lived Experience Forum

[Change123]

Hi

I dont know if any of you experience this with BPD or maybe its the PTSD that causes it.  I find when I'm extremely stressed and someone starts to lecture me or yell at me etc I can feel like my brain shutting down and everthing becomes blah blah blah and I'm not really taking anything in and I just feel numb all over.  My partner says I get this glazed look in my eye and its always at moments of high stress and he feels then there is no point talking to me as I wont remember it.

Is this just disassociation and how can you stop it from coming on?  I understand its probably the brain's self defence mechanism protecting me from harms way but when I'm trying to move forward and stop these knee jerk reactions its hard.  I know the PTSD has something to do with it as it comes from childhood, when ever there is yelling or stress its my instant reaction but I want to stop it - any ideas?

Is this the reason why my memory is bad as well?  I can remember the most trivial things from years ago but ask me something about yesterday or last week I will struggle to remember.  Everytime my partner and I watch a movie on TV I might say this would be good to watch and he would say but we just watched this weeks ago and you didnt like it and I will have no recollection of this at all.  Its happened at work once or twice and even at the doctors.

[pip]

Hello @Change123. It could be the PTSD is causing the brain to remember something traumatic that may have occurred somewhere during your early childhood. Your conscious memory has blocked it, but it's still locked in your subconscious. When we experience severe trauma in our lives, the end result quite often causes PTSD which manifests itself in many different forms. Some people turn to alcohol to numb the pain of the memory. When a child is repeatedly abused over an extended period, the area of the brain that stores painful memories 'takes control' and blocks the memory. When the child is asked to recall specifics of the attack, they have difficulty doing so because that part of their memory has been wiped clean, therefore erasing all memory of the attack. The same child might see or hear something which triggers the memory, so they react, sometimes violently, even though they have no idea why they're reacting so violently. The violent reaction is usually the PTSD manifesting itself, although the child has no idea what's wrong or why. Maybe you have been traumatised as a child, but have no actual memory because your conscious brain has blocked everything from that event. Sometimes hypnotherapy can be of help, but unless it is supervised by a qualified hypnotherapist with a Dr present, I wouldn't recommend it. Do you have nightmares that seem to be 'flashback' type nightmares? If your brain is protecting you from a painful memory or bad experience, this is something only you can decide whether you want to pursue further. Perhaps talking to a qualified therapist in the PTSD field would be a good place to start.

[Change123]

Thanks @pip

I know part of my PTSD is people raising their voice, this came from the yelling and shouting at home in general and at me at a young age. So I know now if my partner raises his voice I start to "shut down".  I also wonder if there are memories I have blocked, I cant seem to remember much as a child before 8 years old but I can remember a lot at the age of 8 and how I was feeling.  I remember I would have dreams as a child of being able to fly and I would excape my bed at night and fly through the neighborhood, I guess a childs way of escaping.

[pip]

Hi @Change123. I was severely abused as a child, I can recall wishing my brother (who unmercifully tormented me), had been adopted out, or having our car miraculously parting company with the seat he was sitting on. The PTSD, I have is when I shut my bedroom door when my air conditioner is going. I panic, shake uncontrollably. Anytime I witness children hitting each other or showing any sort of aggressive behavior, I freeze and remove myself as this triggers memories. There's many things during my childhood that I have blocked, but the knowledge of the abuse is there. As we grow, our memories (good and bad) fade, however the feelings remain and these feelings are what helps us recognize good behavior and bad behavior. Shutting down from your partner raising his voice means it's uncomfortable for you. It's possible the raised voice could indicate someone exercising control and dominance which both anger and scare you. Anger can be scary if the person displaying it doesn't understand why they feel angry. Control signifies possibly an adult dictating, which would automatically cause you to challenge and try to defy the control. The PTSD you speak of could be from this form of abuse early in your childhood. Next time your partner raises his voice, instead of shutting down and mentally hiding, ask him what the problem is. Don't patronize him by saying you're in the same room, or you're not deaf. This is a form of repression and could cause an angry outburst. Simply tell him you need to know why he's upset/angry so you can work out how to help him. Let him know you are scared and why as he needs to know why you shut down. You may have tried to explain before, but it's important he understand and respects your fear. The fear you have is real and shouldn't be ignored. He could be one of these people who excites easily and raises his voice in excitement. If this is the case, accept he's not trying to upset or hurt you, share the excitement, ignore the level of voice. Kids get excited and scream loudly when winning or playing. My ex would often tell me not to get excited when I wanted to raise my voice over something that made me happy. This is a form of repression and a form of control.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Change123 @pip

I have dissociated in my session with my therapist quite a few times.  And each time it was a trigger from my childhood abuse.

It could be my body trying to protect me, I don't know.

[pip]

Hi @BlueBay. Have you attempted to explain why you dissociated with your therapist? Childhood abuse often triggers PTSD attacks later on. War vets suffered terribly from PTSD brought about by the horrific conditions they were forced to live under and the comrades who were killed in front of them. It sounds as though you shut down when your therapist hits a nerve, triggering the bad memory you're trying to escape. Perhaps if you could write this down, ask her to help you work through the bad memory. If you can get some help recalling the memory (it's going to hurt and upset you), but in order for you to recover it's necessary. The memory can't hurt you, it will cause tears, but the abuse has stopped. I was in a similar situation where recalling severe abuse caused me to swear and abuse the psych, but being allowed to lash out instead of repressing the anger I felt did help. You need to get the anger and frustration out in order to rebuild yourself.

[BlueBay]

No @pip I haven't talked about the dissociation.  I remember the last time it happened was last year during a session with my DBT therapist.  I was so not there in the room, and then she made me lay down on the couch.  I think she was really worried about me.  But we didn't discuss anything after that.

But I am seeing a new psychologist next month so I will bring this up with her.  She is experienced in helping survivors of childhood abuse and BPD.  Fingers crossed I get along well with her.

I think I do get scared of going through talking about my abuse, because I do get so emotional and zone out.  I wish I could swear and scream at my therapist, if only he would let me.  I really think that would help me.

[pip]

Hi @BlueBay. Of course talking about the abuse is scary. Reliving any abuse/trauma is scary. When you start feeling comfortable and have built a relationship tell your therapist how angry and frustrated you feel. Ask him to excuse any language and tell him you 'hate' your abuser. Swearing at your abuser is not possible - he isn't there. Perhaps practise swearing and punching your pillow/cushion at home. Become comfortable with the knowledge your abuser can't control you any more. You have control, use the control. I frequently wished my abuser death. He still is alive, but not to me. My therapist realized letting go of my emotions was important to my recovery. I called my abuser for every name (and some never heard of) once I felt comfortable. Part of therapy is being encouraged to release pent -up rage. When we are emotionally 'set free' of our demons, the relief is so intense, the feeling that the demon is still trapped where he can't hurt us (in your therapists room, psych's office). This means you walk free.

[BlueBay]

Thanks @pip

It will probably be a little while before I can do that in my new psychologist's rooms.  Because it will take time to build up a relationship with her.  But now reading your reply I so want to do this - yell and scream.

I wonder why no one has ever done this with me before.  They all knew I was abused as a child.  I will definitely bring it up next month.

Thank you 🙂

[pip]

Hi @BlueBay I assume you are talking sexual abuse? It takes a sexual abuse councilor to understand a victim. If you have never been counselled by a sexual abuse counsellor, you were never given the opportunity to get rid of the self hate you possibly have. When we are sexually abused or physically abused in any way, we quite often are informed by the abuser that we invited the abuse by our actions. This, of course, is total crap. Abusers need to be in control, they use anything to retain the power. Hopefully your councillor will recognize your repression and encourage you to open up. It's possible too, that no-one knew how to 'free' your emotions so that you could scream. Our parents often try to repress our anger and frustration by offering to buy sweets, clothes, treats and presents for silence. I'm sure this new psych will recognize and work with you in your recovery. Best wishes and keep posting if you need to.