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Fed up wife of Borderline husband

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Casual Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

Thank you
Dec
Senior Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

I understand @marie11

 

Also  - when it comes to BPD is it really hard to know when the behaviour is due to the disorder or bad behaviour - 

 

That book of slights - I think I have read a page or two of that - 

 

Dec

 

 

Casual Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

Its not a good book to have to endure for sure . I just wonder ....is he getting enjoyment out of this .
Senior Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

Hi @marie11

This is really tough to respond to. Its also tormenting for you in limbo as you continually get abused. My guess is you'll either stay when he agrees to do something proactive about HIS problem or you'll leave. Either way you'd be more content.

Its an ultimatum really isnt it, for you cannot go on this way surely?

So, I'd like you to hear a short story. My mother I believe has BPD. Apologies to BPD sufferers if this account hurts.

Where ever she went she left a train wreck, manipulation, disapproval of girlfriends of mine, boyfriends of my sister, using her will and our father as weapons, demonising us to relatives, stalking, undiagnosed heart attacks, dividing siblings, ruining weddings and theft. (In denial and no diagnosis ) like you the list goes on. Her need for a headline was daily.

She never got help and thats why I admire BPD sufferers that do get help.

Eventually there becomes a straw that breaks the camels back. For me it was the threat of ruining my second wedding in 2011. She ruined my first wedding in 1985

My sister and I then stopped contact. But what of the wedding? Everyone knows you cant reschedule a wedding if she turned up and began raving about me in front of guests. I had no option but to get a court order barring her presence. Those in life that have endured such treatment end up with fear, until our wedding was over I was petrified she'd turn up. But we got through it ok.

It is a very hard decision to make to disown ones mother. My sister did also. We refuse to relent because her behaviour would soon be back to the way it was.

And that's my message to you. IMO remaining and tolerating his behaviour without professional help, is not a long term option. As others here have kindly suggested further counseling is crutial to the survival of your marriage and your future.

And if it doesnt work out? It isnt the end of your world but a new beginning.

Take care
WK
Casual Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

I truly understand .It is painful to have to walk awat from someone and severe all ties but when I say these people are toxic to everyone around them its true. They love you , they hate you , nothing is ever good enough . It is a exhausting way to live life. I find myself isolating myself from everyone because I do noy want to bring this toxicity into their life as well . Im assuming it was never your mothers fault but everyone around her like my husband . My husbands parents are both psyoanalyists or phychiatrists and he studied Psychology and law and graduated with a degree in Legal studies and Psychology . He is a master at manuipulation he loves to hurt you then talk for hours about how his feelings are . There were four children born of this marriage and they all were forced to go to a psycoanalyst from the age of 14 every day after school. The emphasis from what I can tell has always been on their feelings , how they feel . I came from a dysfunctional family and I at least know in my adult mind that it was dysfunctional these folks think they are elitist and are far better than anyone else. I truly doubt my husband willever get help and that is sad I think he has missed his entire life over imagined injustice , the control factor of trying to even control not only your thoughts but he will go as far as to tell you what to say to him amd even tell you If you need something from him .....there is a way you could get it .....you have to say this to him , do this for him the list goes on and on. I am truly sorry for you It had to be terrible to grow up like this as a fragile child and remain mentally intact. I understand your need to severe all times sometimes to remain mentally healthy and keep those around you healthy its the only way .
Casual Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

My borlerline husband cannot get along with the kids. Thankfully all are out of the house now except the baby . A beautiful little blonde haired blue eyed little girl . She is loving, sweet and kind and my husband constantly finds fault with her . She disrespects him, she is never quiet enough, she basically like me is never good enough . So in his thought process he trys to devalue her as he does me. She is not smart , she doesnt respect him hes taking her out of his will and it goes on and on . It is not good . Im so worried for my little I try to keep her out of his big cloudy of unhappy but sometimes hes not happy unless everyone is in it.