Lived Experience Forum

[Sisyphe]

Hi everyone,

Firstly, thank you for sharing your experiences here. I've found comfort in the kindness and support of everyone in the forums, without having actually posted myself until now. 

A little introduction of myself... I am nearly 28 now. I have multiple diagnoses which are highly intercorrelated: PTSD, Bipolar, depression, anxiety, complex trauma disorder, BPD. I am incredibly insecure, and am struggling to cope with the dialectic of life being so beautiful, as well as being so painful. I suffer when I'm awake, and I suffer in my dreams, often reliving past traumas again and again. I find it difficult to relate to people, I feel like people are constantly judging me and out to get me. I often imagine very detailed scenarios of people saying awful things about me, or scenarios of past events I have no control over, things that may not even have happened. I'm stuck in two minds: one half of me is rational and realistic; it tells me that these scenarios are fictions, and since it's not in my control, the thoughts other people have about me will constantly elude me... I'm simply torturing myself by obsessing over them. The other mind tells me these scenarios are all true, that people are indeed constantly making negative judgments, assessing my every move, scrutinising the way I look, how clever I am, etc, and that I absolutely have to know the truth of what people think about me so I can meet their expectations. It's a matter of survival.

Because of these two minds I am constantly pushing people away and lashing out, then being needy and desperate for attention. My boyfriend has been dealing with this a lot lately. He is the only person in this world who I can be myself completely around. But I can feel him growing resentful toward me. He says that he can't be both my therapist and my boyfriend, and I agree with him. He's such a kind-hearted and caring person, that I wish I could be perfect for him because that's what he deserves. I just don't want to lose him. Not only do I love him more than anything, but I want to share the rest of my life with him. 

Does anyone have any advice on not pushing their partners away with BPD behaviour? My psychiatrist (who also does my therapy) is often away and difficult to get in contact with. I have also asked her to connect me to a psychologist to help with my therapy but the process has been slow; she's currently trying to get me in a DBT in-patient program but there's a 6 month wait. So the only professional support I have is her and my GP. I would go to a counsellor but I find it so emotionally exhausting having to verbalise how everything is falling apart over and over again, that sometimes it just feels worse talking to someone new...

Everyone around me has become desensitised to my mental health... now it's a pat on the shoulder instead of a hug. I'm spiralling with thoughts of self harm but not wanting to mention it because I don't want people to think I'm being manipulative, pushing people I care about even further away.

Thanks in advance... and I hope everyone is happy and healthy.

[Eucalypt]

Hi @Sisyphe. Welcome to the forums. It sounds as though you've had a bit of a look around and I agree with you that the kindness and support that people show to one another here is so comforting.  It can take a while to make connections on the forum and find the conversations that interest you. Some new forum members like to introduce themselves on this thread here.
I need to go so this is just a quick hello. Remember to be kind to yourself @Sisyphe, perfection is a tough goal for anyone to set themselves.