11-10-2018 10:21 PM
I think that I get it?
it is a mine field if that is such a description ..
I have been searching for so long for support groups...
12-10-2018 09:53 AM
Had rain here last night It was heavy enough that I heard it over the show I was watching at the time It didn't go all night or anything, but it was good rain. I took the puppies for a walk yesterday, but the day before, despite going into town & having all intentions of taking them in on the way back, I didn't. As I drove out of town a few wet drops fell, not enought to put the wipers on, & it wasn't those small drops that stopped me going in, it was the lightning; the sort of lightning that appears to do straight to the ground. I'm glad I decided not to go in as there were 2 loud claps of lightning just as I turned off the highway towards home, that made me jump out of my seat! Haven't had any destructive winds or storms here, but enough breeze & wet that it's nice & cool
12-10-2018 10:24 AM - edited 12-10-2018 10:24 AM
Good morning @Mazarita and everyone here - I've been crying tears of joy. My kids announced their baby and their name to the world this morning!!! And shared photos. And I'll def get to see them next Tues and Wed. So excitement!!!
12-10-2018 10:58 AM
It's been a couple of weeks since I got the news that the video project I agreed to months ago, but which I hadn't received any instructions about since, was suddenly on again with a very short deadline to completion date.
Since then, it's been two weeks of round-the-clock worry and ever-increasing anxiety. I've been desperately scrambling to be calm and positive, and to put on a good face, about what was such a good opportunity to work with a highly regarded curator and arts organisation, to have my work seen in a significant venue, not to mention get paid for my work, a very rare thing.
But I have fallen back into bad habits of not showering or even washing, not leaving the flat, and going back to sleep multiple times every day in order to quell my feelings of panic. It's been a painful, miserable time, another big regression in my mental health. I've also been aching all over my body the whole time from the stress.
I have done a lot of hands-on work on the video at this stage, many hours of it, but I've been getting nowhere. Any creative inspiration I had has been frozen in fear. I have become completely blocked and immobilised in relation to this project.
After about the first week of this I found myself involuntarily drafting in my head an email in which I withdrew from the project. Last night, after another hellish day, I sent it.
It's a horrible outcome because the curator is someone I also consider a friend - of a kind that wanders in to your life occasionally for short brilliant bursts of time, and then is gone again. We've known each other for well over a decade and she has always been a special person to me. I feel terrible to have left her in the lurch for her show coming up in just a few weeks.
I haven't heard back from her in reply to my email and am guessing I probably won't. That's her way. It was her not answering my calls and texts asking about the progress of the project a couple of months ago that led to me thinking it had all fallen through. I know that this situation is really as much her manner of dealing with things as it is mine. But still it feels crap.
Having now withdrawn from the project, I feel at once relieved, and a failure. It's brought up so many memories of past similar failures, both in the regular workplace and in artistic pursuits. Almost all of them have been due to me cracking up under stress.
All my emotions are in a swirl and these past two weeks feel like a big setback in my life just now. But at least I'm free of this creative sickness now, and can move forward again in simple and ordinary matters of living, once I recover from the tunnel of torment I've just been through.
12-10-2018 03:56 PM
Hi @eth, I was drafting that last long post at the same time as you posted yours. Sometimes the synchronous timing doesn't work out so kindly. Sorry to have that rant follow your wonderful news. I am so happy for you having seen your new grandchild, and know their name now. Never having had children, I can only imagine how profound your experience would be right now, but I'm sure there's nothing else like it. Hope to catch up again when I'm in a better frame of mind to share your joy more fulsomely.
Hi @everyone, sending all good wishes. Have been glad to be reading and 'supporting' posts, but unable to speak here lately due to the stress of things with me. Looking forward to better catchups with all soon.
12-10-2018 04:17 PM
Never having had children,, me too my scotirish sister @Mazarita, I have looked after lots and lots of children from the earliest age of 5 weeks old until some left when they were 14
sending you lots of hugs
and then for me to become stepmother to 4 children wow
12-10-2018 04:36 PM
fabulous news for you...am elated with you as I know all others here will be too @eth
relish this special time...xx
12-10-2018 04:47 PM
Thinking of you @Mazarita
I found your post by chance...I hope you do not mind my responding to you..
That would have been extremely difficult to make the final decision to pull out...
I understand only too well how mind health can riddle our bodies with pain and torment our minds at times when we so desperately want to fit into the outside world...
You have been very strong in your action even though it probably feels the opposite as you mentioned the dreaded word "failure"...so easy for me to say that you have not failed at all...you have in fact had insight into what was best for you...at this moment in time of your life and what will serve you well in another new chapter of your life...
How do I know I am walking a similar path...such high expectations of self....I have been referred to as a racehorse on more than one occasion...push push push ...yet calmly tellings others to rest ...take care of themselves...
As I am telling myself these days just be ever so gentle with your soul...we only have the one....
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