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Ant1
Casual Contributor

Bipolar- Denial

Hi,

My partner of many years was diagnosed with BP along time ago and has been relatively well for a long time, but over the last few years her medication has not been as effective and after going off all her medication  a few years back, ended up in hospital. After a short short stay in hospital she agreed to seeing a psychologist with whom she seemed to get on well with. It was suggested she take additional medication which she took for a short time (and seemed to inprove greatly) but after reading about the medication on the internet she stopped taking it as she said it and most other medication are "toxic" to her body. She stopped seeing the Psychologist and now sees 2 GP's for the medication she agrees to take. She has excellent masking skills and tells the Dr's what they want to hear but at home she is in total denial that she even has BP. She can talk for hour and hour about what "they" have done to her and would stop all medication if she could.

If I even mention that she has BP she threatens to leave me yet outside of the house she is very loving and caring, but now being on only one income it is very hard to go out constantly.

I have seen my GP to talk about what is going on and the GP has helped me greatly (I have seen a councilor which was also a great help).

I just feel totaly frustrated as I have seen the difference the additional medication made, but with her being in denial and able to mask in front of Dr's she refuses to take anything else.

I listen to her constantly talk at home about the past and how she has nothing wrong with her etc.(she even follows me around the house while talking) 

I have tried to set boundries about when she can talk to me but rarely does that work.

She is the same with our now married kids when they visit, but they are getting used to it now.

I will never give up on our marriage but at times it is very stressful and although I focus on trying to not let it get to me I find  I am emotionally exhausted to the point  of getting butterflies and the shakes more and more. I am lucky to have a good GP and the kids help where they can but with little prospect of things changing I worry about what the future will bring.

I am sure there are countless other partners in the same boat as me and would love to know how they deal with or try and improve the situation.

13 REPLIES 13

Re: Bipolar- Denial

Hi Ant1,

I have had the same issue with my ex boyfirend. He was not medicated and refused to believe he had Bipolar. He went on a manic episode in late September until the beginning of January. It was hell so I broke up with him during this time. But I can relate to what you said about your partner constantly talking and talking. My partner had/has big trouble listening and responding accordingly he just goes on and on and on and jumps from one subject to another. It is exausting to listen to him. I think setting boundaries and having time for yourself is definitely the way to go. For me, it's easy, when we talk on the phone, if I feel like he is just talking at me rather then with me then I just say I have to go and hang up. I feel that if they don't want to help themselves then we cannot do anything about it. You can be patient and wait until they are ready to get the help needed or you have to focus on yourself and think what is best for you. It is the harderst thing to see someone you love not reach their full potential because they are holding themselves back. But for me, I just realised that I was not going to be held back from my potential because of them. I'm not saying you have to divorce your wife, but I think you could benefit from doing things for yourself. Spend time with friends, or watching your favourite TV show or just spending time by yourself. Find something you love outside of the relationship and give yourself time to enjoy that. I hope that helps, and know that you are not alone 🙂

Re: Bipolar- Denial

Hi OzBra,

 Thanks for replying and the support..

I am sorry it did not work out with your boyfriend. and hope everything is now working out for you.

I think with me the hardest thing is I know that I have to focus on myself and get some "me" time but the repetative nature of my wife's talking and her blaming me for allowing "The system to treat her so inhumane" drains me so much that I don't have the energy to do much else. When not working I try to watch some TV etc but knowing that she may begin "talking" at anytime is always on my mind.

 The short time she was on the appropiate medication was such a vast change to how things are now

I know she will never seek help,which at times makes me angry and feel utterly powerless.

If I ever mention it even in passing she just gets upset with the whole family.

There are times when we go out that things are wonderful as we have a lot in common and that is why I love her so much.

 

 

 

Re: Bipolar- Denial

Hi @Ant1 

I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner. I saw your post a short time ago and didn't have time to respond.

I completely understand the frustration. It's like you and your wife are looking at the same thing, but seeing completely different things - and it's hard for both of you to see each other's perspectives because they are SO completely different.

 

It sounds like if you tried to discuss, from a loving place, how well intentioned you are, how you want her to be well and that the best you have seen her is on these certain meds, she will get defensive.

Have you ever gone to a couples counselling session before - ie: gone to a psychologist together to discuss you relationship?

I know you mentioned she won't seek help, but this is help for both of you.

While you may not be able to stop her beliefs about the inhumane way she's been treated and the way she continues to go on & on about it, you may be able to work with the psychologist to come to some compromises and boundaries, which means you get some peace and quiet to rechrage.

If you said this was something you wanted help with, and made it about you & not her, would she be more responsive?

 

Re: Bipolar- Denial

Hi Eagle

Unfortunately my partner would not go along to a joint session to see a psychologist or councillor for that matter. I have mentioned this several times but due to the fact that she believes she has been labeled with "an imaginary illness" she will not see a Psychatrist as they only want to "pill her up" as they "are using her as a "guinea pig" for "big pharmacutical companies" Although she agreeded to see a psychologist a few years back,she stopped after a few sessions when she felt it was focusing "On things she did not want to discuss". 

I cannot mention about her getting any type of help as she will just get angry with me and it will trigger another long speach about "the past and the system and the fact she has nothing wrong with her"

More often or not this will go on all day,more often or not for days on end.

I try to set boundries but more often or not she will stop talking but begin again after a few minutes.

She can get quite vocal and our children have said they have heard her yelling at me from down the street.

I am well aware that due to the fact that is is not a harm to herself or others, I can do nothing.The one time she got assessed at home she was calm as anything when they arrived but as soon as the nurse left she started up again and said even she knew what to say to make them believe her.

She can go from just laying on the bed and be very depressed to laughing about nothing but blames this on not having a job and being held back/suppressed by the system.

I do see my GP to tell him how I feel and try to look after myself but am finding myself getting more stressed and anxious as time goes by.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Bipolar- Denial

Hi @Ant1 

 

By your response, it seems like the only person you can control the actions of is yourself, which you kind of mentioned in your second post.

You have to make yourself a priority.

I noticed you said that you try and set boundaries and more often than not she will just over step them. The purpose of boundaries however, is that they are a line in the sand that you have created, therefore you have to act upon.

Boundaries are also for yourself, to keep yourself in-check and accountable. Like you mentioned earlier - making yourself a priority. So you might look at enforcing an 'hour to yourself' boundary, where you don't make excuses and follow through on that commitment to yourself.

Could you ask your GP to get a referral to a psychologist? Not only will they be able to be a sounding board, but they could also give you some strategies around managing boundaries.

In my experience, sharing with the person you care for, that you are going to a psychologist normalises help seeking and sets an example.

So a win-win, perhaps?

 

Re: Bipolar- Denial

Hi Ant1,

Regarding diagnosis and insight:
If your partner believes she doesn't have Bipolar disorder itself that does not necessarily signify that she lacks insight.
There are countless instances where doctors have got it wrong regarding diagnosises and that especially applies in the field of Psychiatry where the diagnosis is subjectively made and there are no tests.
However,if she is unable to even consider that some of her actions could be "dysfunction/pathologically" based-whether from bipolar or some other process in her body-then she likely does have loss of insight.
IOW-a person who flat out can't even consider that there could be something-anything-wrong with them at all likely suffers from poor insight but another person who simply disagrees with the doctors diagnosis but has awareness something might be wrong but in a different way/different diagnosis doesn't have poor insight.
It is their right to disagree and it would be unhealthy if they substituted their judgment/opinion for a others-whether a layperson's or a doctors etc.

In her mind it might seem that your using the claim of her having BP as a leverage tool (with the end result her being pissed off and threatening to leave you etc) so maybe try not mentioning it for a while at least and focus on two other things first instead.

1.acknowledging and validating her feelings about her experiences.
2.focusing on strategies to create a harmonious relationship.

Even if she is "ranting" about them,her feelings regarding what "they" have done to her are valid.
Perhaps she really has had some bad experiences with mental health practitioners and perhaps there have been errors or injustices done to her from their behalf.
Or maybe they didn't listen to her wishes and feelings or consider them as important etc..
If that is the case,then you,as her partner,should acknowledge her feelings and that the past experiences should never have happened etc.
Instead of coming from a place of frustration,instead try support,protecting her and "standing with her" (so to speak).
This will make the marriage more harmonious.

You mentioned her current medications not being as effective anymore.
Would your wife consider stopping one (with a doctors "supervision") and recommencing the one that she improved on and have blood tests down every few weeks to make sure it hasn't reached toxic levels if that's her concern?

Re: Bipolar- Denial

Hi Ant1

This blog really caught my attention. I am living with Bipolar and spent a long time in denial. What you're going through sounds terrible. I have much compassion for you and your very strong to keep standing by. If it helps, I offer my story of initial non-acceptance and now non medicated management.

I have recently come off my meds, and am trying to self manage. It's been a long transition from acceptance to now (hopefully) being more aware of the condition and managing it.

For me, one of the biggest factors was alcohol abuse. When I was manic, it made it worse (or better for me) and when depressed, it sunk me lower (although at the time of drinking I felt better).

I've been off the grog for a year now, and have felt very stable so chose to have a go without meds too. However, I'm also aware that I need to manage other areas of my health by eating well and exercising.

So I guess I have chosen to self manage through awareness. My girlfriend is supportive, although I've showed some signs of anger that have worried me, so am looking to get back into my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to manage that better.

I am a big supporter of managing through awareness and healthy living, but to get where I am has needed acceptance and medication, and perhaps over time I will need to re-medicate. I also regularly consult a psych to discuss the condition, and I am off to see him again soon to get his support and advice as to my new outlook without meds.

Hope this helps.

Re: Bipolar- Denial

Hi ivana

I understand what you are saying and agree with what you are saying.

I have never thought of my wife as someone with  "a condition"

I  respect the fact that she believes that the Dr's misdiagnosed her when she was young (from what she has told me it was a very frightning time).A few years ago under a Dr's supervision she came off all her medication  unfortunately this lead to hospitalization. Despite that if she choose to once again not take anything I would tell her that she should at least speak to a Dr before taking that action but it is her decision.

I do not think being labeled as Bi-polar or another tag is important. All people should be treated with respect and understanding regardless.

I met my wife over 30 years ago and we have bought up a family together and we have stood together through some hardtimes and goodtimes.

It was challenging when the children as they asked me why their Mum was different to other Mum's

My wife did not want them to know anything about her health, I told them what I could without breaching her wishes, this lead to my daughter seeing a councillor in her late teens as she was confused by her mum's actions. Finally my wife allowed me to speak to the kids but it was not until they were in their late teens.

By previous experence it seems my wife needs some type of medication to stay healthy

but at the moment it seems to me that what she takes now by itself is ineffective. However  she believes she is "well"  

I cannot even discuss her health with her as it leads to her getting frustrated//angry about "the past, Dr's the government etc.

I am frustrated you are right, but it more frustration that I am not equipped to help/advise without provoking her,maybe if she would see a profession health provider it could help,but as I said before she will not see anyone, due to a total distrust in the mental health system.

Regardless  I listen to her "rant" (not a nice word but it does convey the action)

Some of what she says is wrong ( I was there when the events happened) but all of our memories change as time goes by.

All I wish is for my wife and I  to be happy regardless of "labels etc"

Sometimes this has an effect on my health as boundries are crossed  and some of the words she speaks hurt.

I have told her on many occasions If she crosses boundries but that is rebuked and turned around

Despite this I will support her with her decisions and be there for her.

 

Re: Bipolar- Denial

Ant1-
It's lovely that you support your wife:)

Would your wife be willing to go to a support group or use online forums?
Maybe she would do it for her kids sake?

Does she just disagree with the Bipolar diagnosis or does she think there's absolutely nothing wrong at all with her in anyway?

Try to be "present" and interested when she speaks about past experiences.Agree and validate her feelings even if you thought the experience happened differently.
The focus should be on being harmonious,not on being "right".
Even if her facts/memory isn't 100% correct,what matters is how she felt during those experiences.
Her mistrust,anger or fear are valid.
If you found a doctor that treated her with respect and dignity do you think she would be open to the idea of seeing him/her?

What does she exactly say when talking about the doctors or government and in which way does her general actions impact your and her happiness if you don't mind the question?
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