Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

[Former-Member]

Yes @Owlunar sorting someone else's stuff is easier. But I don't go in mum's room yet, to sort. There's decades of neglect to tidy & sort everywhere here. I'm doing more sorting & cleaning than 'chucking' - think it's important for dad not to have too much change all at once. The powers that be are expected to shove him a home first chance they get, against his wishes, so I say - let him have peace these last days at home.
What I do is discrete (under the surface). It kinda helps the decluttering process when the decisions are already made by the 'use by' dates. LOL
Not knowing how long I can live here or what I can take claim of things, without a car, is keeping a check on my decisions too. This is a temporary home, something to do, someone o care for, and then I'll be gone. Actually much nicer here than my home, especially the kitchen and fly screens & security. Actually enjoying seeing my brothers more, even bro2 can be OK when he wants to be, thank goodness

soul (Community Guide)
You're a very good daughter @ lapses. Just take it a day at a time. You'll get there. I only have a couple of things of my Mum's - siblings took or dicarded the rest. It's comforting though to have them around me. Is your place being looked after in your absence?

10/02/2018
Smc (Senior Contributor)
@ lapses, both of my parents are still alive, but in aged care. I'm really not sure if that makes sorting out their house easier or harder, because I still feel like I'm accountable to them for what I do there. Less so in Dad's case, because with his dementia, he's pretty much mentally surrendered everything anyway. He'll occasionally ask what we've done/will do with something of his, but more in the sense of wanting to know than wanting to have it.
Mum still asks us to bring things in from the house, and we're becoming more resistant to doing so, because her aged care room is getting too cluttered up. She can't really have anything else in there, because if it spills over into walkway space, it becomes a tripping hazard. So we try to insist that something comes out of her room before the requested items get brought in. Sort of works... but she doesn't like it.
Whew it's hard when clutter becomes intergenerational. I doubt I'll ever have a sparse house, but I'll be happy if I can get it to "comfy clutter" not "junk clutter". And I want to leave it in decent order for whoever has to sort it when I'm gone.

10/02/2018
Determined (Senior Contributor)
LoL @ Smc, I blame intergenerational disposition for my hoarding habbits.
Brother took countless truck loads of stuff to the tip when we were moving mum after dad died. Most of that was outside of the houae however. Mum still moans about stuff she lost over a decade later. At the time she was oblivious to what was going on so never argued.

19/02/2018
Determined (Senior Contributor)
There was much amusement despite the grief when the family cleaned out my grandmother's house after she died.
My mother was left in the will a bycicle purchased in 1932 along with original purchase reciept and warranty papers. Bike is rusted beyond repair but mum hangs on to it because it was her mums

10/02/2018
Lapses (Senior Contributor)
Thanks @ soul & @ Smc - there's some good insights there. I thought we had to sell the family home to get them into aged residential care? A bond etc? All things to sort out. I wish my sis & I got on. One step at a time, caring for the elderly I know but the 'red tape" omgoosness 😕 My mum was very attached to pocessions, but dad gets by with basics now, lost capacity to do most hobbies, old interests, memory loss & tremors etc. Ageing is not for whimps.
Its hard being shoved aside because I had x2 breakdowns. Human nature to back the seemingly strong I guess. anyway, dad is OK if those around him are OK.
In the middle of tea here...

lapses (Senior Contributor)
Haha @ Determined, i understand keeping the old bike lol
Grief seems easier when they've lived a full life. I've heard families tend to go odd (mad) when sorting their parents estate / matters & caring for frail parents.

Smc (Senior Contributor)
Lapses, aged care rules changed mid-2014. There's the option of full upfront payment, part upfront/part periodic payments, or periodic payments. The home my parents are in gets paid monthly via a direct debit. I think it may partially depend on the value of their assets and income too. Check online, search for the Aus govt. "My Aged Care" site. Includes income and assets calculator, which is very helpful.
We are under some time pressure though, because at some point in the foreseeable future, their "liquid assets" will run out and we'll need money from selling the house to pay their fees. They're 400kms away from where we live; the only other family member is my sister, who works full time and can't spare any more of her leave than she's already using to travel up there twice a year; we've got four kids in our own family, three who have grown up and moved out, and one still in high school. Two of the grown up ones are pretty self sufficient most of the time, the other has long term, high level mental health problems (which explains me being here, mostly but not exclusively hanging around the Carer's side of the forum) and as I'm sure people on both sides of the forum know, sometimes she needs a lot of support.
So here's me, burnt out and with fairly severe depression myself (got DSP first try...), trying to tidy and clear two homes at once...
Worst case scenario, if we can't clear their house and get it on the market soon enough, it's possible to apply for altered arrangements via hardship provisions. I hope it doesn't come to that, but if so, I've got more than a sneaking suspicion that we'd qualify 😞

[Former-Member]

10/02/2018
Smc (Senior Contributor)
Lapses, we've heard some awful stories about family feuds and breakdowns over sorting parents' houses Smiley Sad Thankfully, despite feeling very stressed, my sister and I are staying on good term with each other. Dunno what I'd do if that wasn't the case.

10/02/2018
Determined (Senior Contributor)
Ive told my mum that if she is not going to write down and allocate every last nut and bolt to leave me out of it, while I am on talking terms at least with my siblings I can just see all the green eyes and grabbing now. Saw the green eyes light up in one sibling when mum wanted to give younger sibling one of dads watches after he died.
And again when she was loaning me a tool the turns out was stiffed and didnt even work . Not interested in any of that. Main thing I have my heart set on is something of dads that younger sibling also wants. Aparently tha t is in the will but I can see the arguments already.

02/02/2018
Smc (Senior Contributor)
Determined sounds like it may be a difficult time coming Smiley Sad
Our parents have a very basic will. The only things actually specifically for either of us are certain pieces of jewellery- wedding and engagement rings, plus a small number of family heirlooms. Otherwise, they've trusted us to decide how to split things up. For the most part we want different things anyway, and we'll take turns choosing from the things that we both want. We've already made a few "bargains" with each other. I agreed that my sister could have the large couch we both loved playing with as kids, and I got Dad's massive 1950s Websters Dictionary that we used when playing Scrabble.
The only other specific mention is that our Grandmother's pianola and her 200 plus rolls in a bookcase stay together, and if we argue over who gets it, it gets sold! I'm getting it, and my sister got first pick for two other pieces of heirloom furniture. Fair's fair. I'm looking forward to inviting friends around for an old style singalong- Bye Bye Blackbird, Zip a Dee Doo Dah, Teddy Bear's Picnic, Yellow Rose of Texas and many more....
And so remains the million dollar question; trash or treasure...

10/02/2018
Lapses (Senior Contributor)
My mum set me up to be dads carer, according to his wishes. That last fortnight in hospital mum rang dva about me taking over, had paperwork sent to me (still gotta fill that out & get it back to them), she gave me dad's bank account details to use to help him pay his bills, she got me to order incontinence aids, made me write everything down (i do anyway), she made sure I knew where things were, including her funeral papers, how to look after the dogs & cat & wild birds. My sis rarely ever visited mum. Both dad & mum have separately asked me to come care for them, live here - especially dad, he knew he needed that with mum's terminal illness & decline. I think he was scared. Then, only a couple of days before mum dies, while short of breath, on oxygen & sedation, she finally made a will, at her hospital bedside, without letting anyone know. In it the will sites my sister as Executor (i said no hoping Mr Sis & sis would both do it as i am one), but, it was the last sentence in the will that really threw me - it lists my sister as mum's nominated carer for dad. WT# - here i am doing it for weeks, and caring for mum, mm even putting me as NOK on admission (being the most reliable she said), and now this. It was a kick in the guts when i saw it. Not that it changes anything, my sis is not available to live here or care for dads practical needs, she can't even drive the hour to get here due to anxiety... But this 'will' has become a tool for great conflict with bro2 & sis against my being here (which also doesn't make sense because dad needs help, i help dad where they cannot, sheesh!). Thank goodness bro3 & 4 knew what mum really wanted. I can only presume the solicitors got it wrong, didn't hear mum's last words and presumed there was only ONE daughter (other ouch!). It makes no sense at all and my TS is milking it all the way to the guardianship board already, where she's applied for SOLE guardianship & SOLE financial management (refusing to consider joint guardianship with me grr), its a red flag that's uneased me, along with the putdowns, it's unsettled all other processes (like grief & peace of mind...), her haste to gain sole control & knowing if and how to stop her. There's no rush to GET guardianship & clean out the house, this will come soon enough - dad's an unwell 83yo.
None of my sibs are ever available to come stay / live with dad. I wouldn't stay here if they could.
Its like two worlds going on. Guess I'm lucky I'm on the more practical / busy side, or it would do my head in.
Anyway, fighting a migraine 1/2 the day today, so just doing the basics.

10/02/2018
Smc (Senior Contributor)
@ lapses, while I have no idea what decision might be made re guardianship, they need to have your Dad's wishes and welfare as their top priority. If he's mentally competent to express his preference, that will be taken into account.
I'm similar with clearing both my parents' place and ours. I sort out boxfulls and at the end of the day can't see where they came from because it still looks just as overfull. I did take photos at my parents' place before I started, and have from time to time compared then and now to reassure myself that there is progress. Perhaps I need to do that here too. Since I'm bringing things in from their place, a series of photos would probably show a progression of things disappearing, and in some cases being replaced with other things- but with the end goal of "Ours" plus "Theirs" minus "Junk" = "Less than now"?

10:03 AM 11/02/2018
mohill (Senior Contributor)
Hello @ lapses, Such a terrible way for siblings to behave around ongoing illness with your dad... so recent a loss of your mum.... precious belongings....
your mum and dad's home where he still resides... as you say his home... a part of his life...
I tried reading back through the pages and saw that there is conflict between some sibling and a couple of your brothers are agreeing with you...
Is that the case?
I am also wondering if your father has made a will....
is the house in joint names?
has your father appointed an executor of the estate?
If the house is just in your late mum's name that would make more sense as in her wishes for the house to be sold etc...
I do believe that you can receive approx 30 minutes of free legal aid....
also does your father have a regular gp and would your father be willing to set up a medical guardianship with you as his legal guardian?
I cannot understand that a will can determine who is the carer of your father if he is in sound mind... He is still able to determine that himself..
It may well be that you are not wanting to upset your father further with legal documents and guardianships.... I do understand that...
I am thinking that if you have the support of your brothers - round the table discussion with them on how to approach the subject with your father...
Do you have a psychologist / specialist you see yourself?
These are just suggestions if you would like to go down this track, this is neither right or wrong, the decision is yours.
You have already done so much for your mum & dad... you truly are a shining light in your dad's eyes now whether he is able to express that or not.... I also believe that your two brothers (if this is correct) are coming around to your side because they too can see this shining light.
With what you have been through you continue to amaze and inspire me @Former-Member.
As others have mentioned aside from all of the above I do hope that you have something set in place to catch you.... to hold you when you finally stop and take a big breath.....
You will always have huge support on here.....
If you have not already - please set up the medicare funded psychology or psychiatrist plan..... everyone of us no matter how strong we are... how passionate we are.... have to set our own boundaries and learn our limits... recognise warning signals... time to rest...
I say this only out of care and concern - none of us here want to see you hurting any more than you already r take care
mohill

12:32 PM 11/02/2018
Faith-and-Hope (Community Guide)
Well said @ mohill ..... ❣️

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

Thanks goodness I  have found this thread - I am glad you tagged me

This is a rotten time for you - I guess if it was just you and your Dad and the agreeable brothers it would be okay - just okay - but with the green-eyed monster of a sister - strange person - I have a feeling if the fairies swapped our sisters we might not notice - whew

I am sure they can't put your Dad into care if he doesn't want to go and you are prepared to care for him - what is wrong with your sister? No need to answer that - she wants the property - oh botheration with interferring siblings - you have been there doing the hard yards and respecting your mother's wishes and caring for your Dad - and all the chaos in the house - yes - I guess you only do what you can do - and leave a lot of stuff for later

Whoever has the say in what happens to your Dad will have to consider his wishes  btw - I did look into financing Aged Care - that is My Aged Care - I have no idea how someone who is not computer literate can figure out that shambles - but I have been into the website and had a look around

But what's her hurry - doesn't she stop to think about how this will affect your Dad who has just lost his wife of however many years now? - a long time

One think I have thought of though - sure you will think of it yourself - when you get into your mother's room - and the time will come - you will need to take care regarding dust mites and other things like that - and maybe - it's up to you and depending on how long all of that stuff has been there - maybe an industrial cleaning agency would be worth the expense to protect yourself - your asthma - it's up to you though

I haven't been around much lately - I sprained my ankle a week ago - it's starting to feel okay - I did the  RICE thing - Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation - all of them were easy but for the rest part - if I sit still for two long my back lets me know - but it is feeling better tonight and the bruises - technicolour - are coming out and spreading around - I'm going to Hobart in a couple of weeks and I want to be better by then but I am going anyway

It was my Dad's birthday today - he's been gone 7 years - he would have been turning 98 today - I miss him but we were on good terms and I remember the jokes we had - some of them repetitive and long running - this drove my mother crackers - but still - I can assure you that the bad time you are having grieving right now does pass - we just need to swim fast through the tears to get to the other side

Thinking of you heaps Lapses and sending lots of love

Dec

[Former-Member]

CUT & PAST THE ABOVE POSTS FROM OTHER THREADS, TO PULL THIS MY CURRENT STORY TOGETHER HERE.

🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄🔄

Interesting day today, with dad.

Got a letter from Centrelink to come in again, a 3rd time, to bring even more documents about dad, before they'll approve the Carers allowence. They make it so hard for a lousy $70 - A whole lot less than the cost of Residential Care (nursing homes), or even one 20min physio session. Might just drag dad in with me next time, nappy bag in hand for when he's incontinent all over the place, waiting forever, for them, and for me to find a park.. 3 blocks away... People say I'm entitled, work hard enough for it... But I donno, so over their 'red tape' crap. Maybe that's one of their 'cost cutting' strategies lol

Got dad to the optometrist today (GP request re diabetic eye check). It took a while, after, she tells me the reading glasses dad has been carrying around in his pocket all these weeks, they're NOT his prescription 😱 What?! 😩 (epic fail!). Any wonder he cancelled the newspaper delivery when mum died, and any wonder he only ever reads the headlines... There's so many glasses laying around the house here, I'm just gonna have to chuck 'em and date-label the new pair coming... and... who was to know when dad himself doesn't know?! My goodness 😟 It was a 'long overdue' eye check today - they gave him a referral to the Eye Specialist because of a bleed at the back of his (R) eye. Hmm, Ya think ya got it all in hand... but... it just goes onto something else... another doctor... another test... another... Even at 83... But hopefully this medical 'catchup' surely has to ease off soon. Need to get a few of my own tests done lol

Dad's dva DIETITIAN  home visit today. Oh no 😱 she wants to know what he usually eats (what I feed him) then picks that to pieces because he's gained 1kg in a month grr. Little does she know that he hasn't done #2 in 3days. But hey, what do I know...

I suspect its the dementia side of things, but dad never seems to cry, he just seems numb, and matter-a-fact about things (if he comments). I would have thought he might shed tears.., since mum's recent passing & all... but he doesn't.. not outwardly.

Anyone 'get' that?

Mum told me, before she died, to keep an eye on dad cause he's threatened to take his own life a few times - feeling useless now etc... Hope he doesn't on my watch 😞  even at his age - that would be traumatic to find.

Sometimes he looks so tired. I hope if he dies in his sleep... I hope I don't fall apart... There's NO emotional support in my family, never. Maybe this is what people are concerned about for me... ? (when they say "go back to your life!),  especially after totally losing it for months when my 13yr old died so suddenly, my youngest... I donno... Don't have the energy to fret about that, tge possibilities.... Doubt I'd stay here for the 'cleanup' if that happens, not an ounce of guilt either - I've done a lot here already... Na, they can 'get their finger out' & DO something for a change... i'd definitely disappear quickly then, go home to my lonely +120yr old weatherboard cottage / holiday home in Qld... sleep for a month then get on with things...

Always good to have a plan lol 💜💜💜

@Owlunar, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @Anyone interested...

Night xox

[Former-Member]

Oh @Owlunar, so very glad see you 😱☺👍 Typing at the same time here. Give me time, I'll reply soon my special friend (if I don't faceplant... lol So much wanted to catch up with you before now, thanks for not giving up on me... Be back soon, hugzz 💜💜💜

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member

Glad that @Owlunar is there for you..

I am very tired..

medication working..

will try to get back to you in next couple of days

take care 

mohill

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I won't give up on you - I think we have been through a lot of the same stuff - you feel like a special sister for me - you have for ages

Dec

[Former-Member]

Hiya @Owlunar, Glad ya found me here too. Missed our chats (my fault, so busy, & tired).

You know, made me smile when you said "agreeable brothers" - they felt quite displaced at my arrival too, especially when I his mum & dad's keycards from them (after mum was admitted to palliative care), & asked them to knock, or call 'hello' before they just ealk into the house or my bedroom... Yep, "who do you think you are taking over...?" was their attitude... and they are tall men in their 50's, with paranoid psychosis & substance abuse (weed, & otc opiates), & gambling... and on MH CTO (monthly injections), emotionally volitile & argumentative & needy & upset about mum... and... it's intimidating sometimes. Even today bro4 asks me for pain killers (now he can't get it over the counter 😞 & he stormed off threatening to become an alcoholic to numb G s pain...). Then the other two started up on me. Yep, I ruined their plan to have dad moved directly into residential care, against his wishes, the minute mum died,..How dare I come and actually CARE about dad... eyes rolling... Bro2 got real nasty on TS behalf, banking together, it was so stressful - all 4 of them... I became so shattered... UNTIL I realised why I was so upset... It wasn't so much what they were doing to dad... which is bad enough... but it was the rejection - the being attacked by 'family' - by people, brother & sister I long to connect well with... I miss them, the 'fantasy' in Mt head that I actually was 'a part' of a group / family somewhere on earth that cared about me. They don't, and it hurts. Nearly 60 & still haven't come to a terms with this long standing dysfunctional broken family. Why am I so different / gullible to expect anything different. Oh its not easy, and even I too have lost my cool with my sis last week, probably sealing another 5yrs of silent treatment.

Oh Dec, our TS's do sound alike lol

I too trust they won't put Dad into care while he doesn't want to and I'm here for him.

What is wrong with your sister? Not just 'the property' but CONTROL. If she gets guardianship & financial 'control' - with me as the 'carer' - she'd have control of me then, a 'guardian' can make decisions over a person deemed 'not competent' (whichbis the drum she's beating), oh what a day that would be for her. To have the power to 'relocate' both dad & I as she wishes. I honestly can't see how living with that threat at tge first & every disagreement would work?! Not gonna happen. I'd have to walk away I think, and yes - they'd appear to win, but does anyone really win family conflict? Dad would fade into nothingness quickly then, what do they care?

Yep, i'm doing the hard yards

Indeed - 'My Aged Care' is a huge website - only 3yrs up & running - loads of teething problems... Fortunately I got to speak to a human who was very helpful... Listed me as a Representative for dad, there was nobody else there.

Yes indeed, what is my sister's hurry?
How can one really know another's motives? Especially when they lack insight / awareness / integrity / compassion... She doesn't even know what she's doing, doesn't care to...

Hmm, my mother's room - yep, will have to wear a mask... A cleaning service would be good for the mould etc. But since my sis ransacked mums room, for hours, took boxes away, the day after mum died - its like that room is not mum's anymore, its my sisters - she can have it. I was not consulted in one thing she took, honestly felt sick, and dad was unsettled too, not being consulted at all. And her husband, loading the car for her, but also hovering a lot outside reading. Oh, I was so tired that day, just wanted them to go away. This is why I don't want her back, she wants to pull dads hime apart in front if him. He might have early dementia, but he is aware, feels, questions... its just not necessary 😭

Sorry you sprained your ankle - gosh youre 'in the wars' 😞
The "RICE thing - Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation" - haven't heard that before - LIVE IT 👍 oh that y back if yours - sure let's you know you're alive alright.

Hey, lucky you, off to Hobart in a couple of weeks - you'll.be fine by then - gentle stretches.

Oh, you're Dad's birthday today 😞 - gone 7 years - glad you were on good terms. Good to hear from experience, yours, that the "grieving right now does pass - we just need to swim through the tears to get to the other side" You know, I don't 'feel' anything for my mum yet - its like a fuzzy dream my days, bit empty.

So nice Dec, catching up 😊 but I really need to go to sleep.

Good night precious lady ❤❤❤

[Faith-and-Hope]

You’re doing a terrific job there @Former-Member ....

”Courage under fire .... “

Jeremiah 29:11