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Womy
Casual Contributor

Do I say something

I’m new to this forum, or any forum for that matter. I have a problem with my sister, who is 7 years older than me. She has had 2 failed marriages. She has no children. Her only close friend moved overseas a year ago. So I’m the only person she can rely on. We were close when we were children, but have drifted apart over the years. Our parents were holocaust survivors, and were considerably affected by what they endured in their youth. Hence we grew up in a deeply troubled environment, which has scarred us both. I’m fortunate that I found a wonderful wife, and have fabulous children. Though I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago, I have managed to lead a relatively productive and happy life. Unfortunately I have spent the majority of my life putting the needs of others before my needs. My father developed a terminal illness when I was 18 and I helped both my parents till he passed away some 6 years later. I then was my mother’s crutch for 15 years till she passed away. Then my in laws (also holocaust survivors) went through bouts of cancer and dementia. During this time, my sister and I had an on off relationship. Since she was a child, she followed in my mother’s footsteps and always had a scapegoat. At first, she sided with my mother and relentlessly picked on my father. After my father passed away, she vented her fury on my mother. Neither deserved the treatment she gave them, because they were doting parents despite their unhappy marriage. Finally, after my mother passed away, I predicted that it would be my turn to be criticised, put under the microscope and blamed for everything under the sun. She has never been diagnosed with a mental illness, because in her mind she’s fine and just had the misfortune of having bad parents, husbands and brother. Not to mention ungrateful niece and nephew. She left her second partner 9 years ago, and has been chronically depressed ever since. Our relationship has been stormy because she seems incapable of having more than one close relationship at a time. When she was with her partners she put them on a pedestal, and demonised me. I’m welcomed back when she has no one else. I have been hurt by her so many times that I have sworn I won’t reestablish the relationship. But I realise she is sick and can’t bear leaving her down and out. For example, when she had to move from her home during her divorce, I allowed her to stay in an investment I own at a nominal rent for 2 years till her divorce was finalised. I didn’t even get a thank you. In fact a year later, she repeatedly told me how bad my children are and I stopped speaking to her. She called me a year later when she got threatening letters from the tax office, which was my responsibility to resolve. The reason for my post is that I took her for lunch last Sunday because she has become a virtual recluse. She smelled so bad that we literally stayed 2 metres away from her. Her hair looked like it hasn’t been washed or combed in a year. She told me she fell in her apartment a few days earlier. The last time I went to her apartment, about 3 years ago, it looked like a garbage tip. She probably tripped over the accumulated rubbish she’s been collecting. She might have tripped because her eyesight is failing. After years of winging that she can’t see properly, she got her eyes checked, and was diagnosed with very advanced glaucoma and cataracts. She needs surgery for her cataracts but is putting it off till next year because she must wait till the new year to claim on insurance for new glasses. She could barely walk 200 metres without gasping for air because she has chronic asthma. Essentially she is a total mess. Her depression is crippling her. She has the attitude that doctors and medicine are an evil conspiracy. I can’t even get her to give me , or anyone else a spare set of keys to her apartment in case she had an emergency. A power of attorney is out of the question. I have avoided confronting her and trying to advise her what to do, because I don’t want to exacerbate her depression any further. Also, she is great at dishing out advice, but won’t listen to anyone. But I think she is so low and her physical, mental and emotional state are so precarious, she is going to have some major episode imminently. What do I do? It’s like watching the titanic heading straight for the iceberg. Sadly I can’t even say that I even remotely like her, but there is barely a moment in the day that I don’t think about her predicament. And I’m terrified of the prospect that she declines further, and it will be my responsibility to look after her. 

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Do I say something

Hi @Womy

 

Welcome to the Forum and thanks for sharing your story.

 

That is a huge load you are carrying. I hope you are finding time for yourself, taking time out and looking after your self care. One of the things you can control is doing things that help you to cope and looking after yourself as best you can.

 

Ultimately you can only ever focus on what you can control. Your sister also has this choice. She has a choice how she reacts to her situation. We can always control our attitude.

 

You don't have to do anything until you are sure of what you want to do. Please feel free to call the SANE Helpline on 1800 187 263 between 10am and 10pm if you need to talk this through. If you are going to take on the role of being your sister's carer, you may wish to get in touch with the following service: http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/

 

I hope that you will find the forums to be a supportive place for exploring all these issues. Just a tip, if you are replying to someone or wanting to notify or touch base with someone, place an @ before their username, as in @Womy

 

All the best

Joe The Lion

Re: Do I say something

Thank you for your support. My wife talked me into seeing a psychologist about my sister, because I had disturbed nights for months. I don’t fathom why I feel so responsible for her wellbeing, but ultimately the would rather be a caring individual than one who doesn’t give ve a damn about others. I will call your help line should I feel the need. However I hope someone might give me some direction whether I should confront my sister and tell her she needs professional Help. I wonder if that will do more harm

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Do I say something

Hello @Womy

Seeing anyone in such a  state is difficult, let alone a member of one's own family.  

 

Often when people have difficulties they fail to see that they have a problem and suggesting they get psychological (or psychiatric) care it is not well received as they do not feel they have a problem. Sometimes they are ashamed at how bad things have got and don't know where to start. Some however will accept help. For some this involves a gently, gently approach - such as suggesting counseling can help post divorce and trusting that in the process that in time they will learn ways to deal with other issues.  There is s LEAP approach and I will tag you in a carer website that explains this along the way.

 

There are some websites about hoarders that offer family advice such as this one

 

https://www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/family-and-friends/

 

Ultimately you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink and I can only encourage you to continue  working with your psychologist in relation to relationship boundaries and discerning as to when your assistance is enabling vs helpful.

 

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