09-05-2018 03:51 PM
Everyday i wake up, i don't want to get up cause i know it's going to be another lonely sad day & see no future for me as my older kids don't need me as much now. I have 3 sons and 1 girl, my 2 boys and girl are all in there 20's with my youngest only 11yrs, and i am 55.
I suffer from major depression, social anxiety, BPD and since my dauggter left empty nest which i had never heard of.
I split up with my ex 4yrs ago as he was mentally abusive to us all and my daughter left when she was 18 to live interstate cause of her father and 2 elder boys fighting. My oldest son has high functioning Autism is very hard to live with, so it was a caotic household, he moves out for a while but always comes back as he can't keep friends he has no social skills. My daughter, youngest son and i were very close and she helped me with my appointments and my youngest ones appointments as he also has Autism but its mild, and because. my memory is no good.
When my daughter left it felt like my life was turned upside down and part of my heart was gone, i felt this emptiness and my mental health just got worse and didnt want to be here anymore. she was like my best friend as i have no friends due to my social anxiety and i am shy. My family lives interstate so my children are all i have. My 24yr son is suppose to be my career but doesn't really help, I don't hear from my daughter anymore unless i text her which makes me feel sad, she only says that she's fine and nothing else.
I have never been able to communicate very well and have trouble putting my point across properly and usually gets put back on me. I don't understand why i feel so lonely even when my children are home, i feel like i have failed my kids in a way because of my mental health, ending up in hospital at least once every year when they were younger not leaving there father earlier and feel like a stranger in one way.
I have been to so many groups since i had to give up work from a breakdown over 15years ago and yet as i get older its getting worse, psychiatrist, councilors psychologist have given me tools to use when my trigger warnings come, but they don't help. When i do groups i feel like i belong and am apart of something & don't want it to end, my anxiety kicks in when I have to go home.
I went to the hospital friday as I had a breakdown with my psychologist and she was worried, but as usual after they contacted my psychiatrist who won't let me stay in hospital as i have to go home to the same thing.
I like crocheting , reading, listening to audio books and watching shows that take me away from this life, but have not been able to do any of them for a long time now.
09-05-2018 04:43 PM
@saturnzoon Hi saturnzoon and welcome to Forumland . I am sorry you are finding it so hard at the moment re children growing up. I too have older children on the spectrum and it is a hard journey which seems never ending. I am a single mother who was lucky enough to have a wonderful ex but the stress of having a very autistic child desolved the relationship amongst other things including my mi.
I know it is hard when you have little or no family closeby and that you feel so alone. There are many of us on the forums who are in the same predicament. You will never be alone here. There are many threads that you might like to have a look at like the craft threads or simply the chat threads. Every Friday night we have a Friday Feast which gives us all a chance to catch up and also meet newbies . The more the merrier
If you go out to a group and feel that anxiety creeping in just come online and have a chat with anyone here. There is always someone online 24/7 days a week. Look forward to 'seeing' you around. greenpea
12-05-2018 03:19 PM
Thank you greenpea
I have been looking at some of the posts on here and think it's going to help lots, it's good to know your not alone and there's other people going through tough times and how they are coping.
When my daughter left at 18, my whole world fell apart as, we were really close, and my youngest son was especially close to her she did everything with him as his older 2 brothers would play fight with him and he always got hurt. I have no friends or family here but at least i had my daughter and I didn't realise how much I relied on her and feel partly responsible for her leaving because of my depression she stepped in to help with her younger brother and it just got to much especially when her father made her do everything for him as he would come home from work laydown on the couch and play video games and got her to get his drinks, tea and i was always going off at him for making her do his stuff.
She has been gone for4yrs now and it stillhurts to talk about her, i don't ring her as I cry all the time, so I just text her now and I find that hard as well. I worry that after 4 yrs it still miss her and wish she was home so i worry that if this heart ache will ever get better.
13-05-2018 05:21 PM
This response is a bit late and I am not sure if you are still around @saturnzoon - but wanted to drop by and say hello and to let you know that you are not alone.
It is tough when we don't have family for support - sorry to read that you are feeling so lonely. I also like reading, cross stitch/embroidery and watching true story lifetime movies that serve as a relaxing distraction. I have been doing that today as the weather is too cold, windy and too miserable to venture outdoors. Reminds me of why I moved North towards the sun lol. I do miss the warmer weather. I also volunteer assisting those who are doing it rough. The latter means the world to me and I have made many friends through it which is an added bonus.
I love to create beautiful things with cross stitch - such a nice feeling and therapeutic. I also enjoy gardening, nature and music - all those beautiful and simple things in life. Have you been enjoying any of your interests today? Hope you are okay.
14-05-2018 10:47 AM
As with @Former-Member, Im sorry to be responding to your post a little late. At the time you posted, you had just joined the forums. How are you feeling now, a week or so after having written your first post?
Social isolation, and the feeling of disconnection from family, especially our children can be so hard. I can understand how you would be feeling a bit lost right now. I was happy to read about your hobbies and the things that you enjoy, are there groups that you could join that would allow you to connect with others who share these passions? Is there something that you always wanted to learn, work on or get involved in, but didnt have time when your children were younger?
Again sorry for the belated response. I hope that you have been finding the forums to be a good suport for you as you navigate this hard time.
14-05-2018 06:15 PM
Thank you @Former-Member & @Chamomile.
I have been on this sight a lot since my post and it helps knowing that your not alone, and on your Friday chat line, it seems like a lot of you have become friends that way, because I can't make friends in the outside world, I think it would help if I could make friends on here, i do have trouble saying things on line sometimes but if i can like and reply to posts, then hopefully over time get to know you all i believe it will help keep me safe knowing i can talk about things on here makes a big difference.
I have joined an art group on Tuesday afternoons for 3 hours and enjoy, it's with people coming off drugs and alcohol, I take some tablets before the group to help my anxiety first, it's only a small group which is good.I keep trying to do some of crocheting , listening to my audible books but not able to yet.
14-05-2018 07:07 PM
Your welcome @saturnzoon - and it's really good to hear from you.
Thats great how you joined an art group already - that was fast!. Painting and creative outlets are so relaxing - you should enjoy this a lot, plus in time when getting to know others you may start to feel more at home and less anxious. That's what I found when venturing out and I always come home feeling happier after joining in group interests or my volunteering. It is nice to connect with others and have a chat and laugh in a relaxing, positive environment. I also find smaller groups less overwhelming.
Please let us know how the art class goes - will look forward to hearing all about it. Feel free to tag me anytime you would like to talk. 😊
16-05-2018 09:49 AM
Good morning @saturnzoon
Hoping your art class went well yesterday afternoon and that you are feeling better today. Have a good one 😊
17-05-2018 03:23 PM
The art group was ok, there were 6 of us. My anxiety was really high and i had to take some tablets to calm down, and took awhile for me to get The courage to go in, the worker came out and introduced himself and helped me go inside. We are making a paper machete mask, they talked to each other and introduced themselves, my nerves were really bad, it went for 3 hours and i felt more relaxed at the end, hopefully next week it might be a little easier.
17-05-2018 03:45 PM
@saturnzoon Well done! you know what I have learnt over the years it is never as bad as what you might think it will be ... and even if it was oh well try something else
When you have finished it can you post it so that we can all have a look xx
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