17-05-2018 01:12 PM
I have been married to my husband for almost 8 years and we have been together for 9 . He had a very rocky relationship with his family which he blamed on me . In his defense this is partly true not because Im not a good person but because the didnt want him to get divorced much less meet someone and remarry . So I did not appreciate the true story of the terrible texting , manuipulation and such that went on , until all his relationships were completly destroyed and it was turned upon myself. Here were are 8 years later . I worked 6 days a week 10 hours a day ever since we were married . Basicially I paid all the bills because he was paying off credit card debt from his previous marriage . So here we go I paid off his debt, cash flowed us , bought a house on the beach , furnished it put in a pool and was looking forward to retired life with my husband . During our entire marriage hes always the victim he was long suffering because of my work hours (he forgets that he put me in the position of sole breadwinner) constant demands to quit work be home in 30 min or something very bad could happen . If he found out any of my clients names he would stalk them , accuse me of having a affair with them and demand to know how it started and ended . I would be forced to drop them as clients for fear that crazy would be in their world soon . There was no appeasing my husband . He spent the money I made freely all while acting like my job was the cause of all his suffering . My husband and I have always had a very active sex life and early in our marriage I discovered he also has a porn habit which is what I believe feeds his paranoia as well as his fantasies . After much disagreement that he would never do this again I find out he has never stopped. !!! I forgot to mention he has explosive rage , will go for days without talking to you and when he does its trust issues , he has PTSD from living with me he says . My husbands lays in the bed all day he has a terrible bad back however he does nothing to help himself . We are now both retired and every word that comes out of his mouth is something to devalue me , make fun of me or insult me as a person . I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry , child care (I am homeschooling my daughter ) as well as do all the outdoor chores that a man would normally do . His abusive behavior is getting worse and Im at a loss as to what to do. I within the past year have bee diagnosed with MS and amdoing all in my power t stay healthy . I do a 3 mile jog on the beach early morning before my family gets up.My husband has recently said he doesnt like this I should stop its making him have PTSD flash backs and if i dont wantto be abused I better do what he says . My response was No you are welcome to go with me but I will continue my run. To one up this I have endured weeks of abuse (he sleeps all day ) keeps me awake all night . ....any advice would be helpful I am just about done .
17-05-2018 01:40 PM
17-05-2018 02:02 PM
17-05-2018 02:12 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about how challenging your experience has been @marie11
Abuse is never ok and as @Earthsucks mentioned, I rekcon it would be good to chat with a counsellor for some support. There's a service called 1800RESPECT that you might be intersted in. It's a free 24hour service and you can contact them here
Look after yourself and keep reaching out for support 🌻
17-05-2018 02:31 PM
What your husband is doing is abuse - I haven't been in your position but I am divorced and know that it's often the last thing we want to do but it can be the most important thing we want to do
And from your story it sounds as if it is really hard
What I know about BPD is from my son - he had no sense at all about other people's barriers and crashed through them and had abrupt personality changes from wonderful to terrible and back again which confused people - and so I get that part well - it is a rotten position to be in - in my son's case no one believed me how bad it was until he died abd then everyone did
It's a long time ago now but having someone indulging themselves in such destructive behaviour is soul-destroying and I hope you can get some help - you have work hard all your life to provide and now all of this
I wish you the best - it must be a nighmare you can't wake up from
17-05-2018 02:53 PM
I am one of those husbands with BPD. It tears me apart to say it, but my wife walking away from me was what has led me to look at myself. I am not telling you what to do at all.
I knew my poblems, though was in denial about my diagnosis, and my wife was punished for my lack of action. I don't know how you feel, I'm not you. But I know that BPD sufferers can be a very damaging presence.
I made my wife my soul source of happiness/existence. It was too much pressure for one person. I don't know if you are made to feel them same.
As I say, I can't advise you on what to do. I can only say I refused to even look at myself until I had lost that one special person. She had to walk. She knew in her heart I wouldn't change while she was around.
I didn't realise I was hurting her the way I was either. Not sure if he really gets it, not if he and I are at all similar. We have a daughter too, and i know my nature was affecting her. For her sake I am glad I am not living with her right now.
I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you what my wife did in your shoes.
Good luck and stay strong.
17-05-2018 02:53 PM
17-05-2018 03:06 PM
Yes - my son died because as a result of his mental illness
He was only 16 - it was a long time ago - but he had no control over his behaviour when he lost the plot - I was afraid for him and knew what was coming - it has not been easy though
You are right - people have to live what some people with BDP can do to our well-being when they either can't or won't see the possibilities or probabilities of their behaviour
Thanks for what your wrote too @jackson12 - that was a tough way to learn but I take it you have learned
It is a really rotten condition
Sending my best thoughts to both of you
17-05-2018 03:17 PM
17-05-2018 03:24 PM
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