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Life78
Casual Contributor

How do I tell him I think he has an issue?

My husband of 7 years, with no diagnosis as never been to a doctor. Has been becoming frequently more irritable and angry with me. He is a poor sleeper at times and when he is stressed he states there is under ground tunnelling occurring and he can hear it. At the beginning 6yrs ago he would get out of bed and go searching for the noise. Now he just tells me it is still happening keeping him awake. More frequently when he is having periods of more stress he says all the neighbours call him names, They yell at him when he is outside, when in the shower. He respond to the voices by saying - "you wish' come on have a go...pulls faces back. He is shocked I can not hear it. He says he doesn't know why they don't say it to his face. He becomes very offended when I say I don't hear it, and he says it happens every where. Even when driving with the window up people yell at him.<br>As these episodes happened less frequently over the years I double take and think is it real or not? And actually I didn't want it to be real so I push it away thinking his thoughts will go away.<br>But we have two small boys and at times he is so involved with himself and distracted on his phone, laying on the couch any thing can happen around him and he is not aware of it. Then other times like now he is perfect, happy helpful and involved. But it is only a matter of two weeks and his moods will dip again.<br>Coincidence he was unwell so he wanted to go to a GP so I said great, tell them about your poor sleeping, waking up tired. I contacted the Dr and advised them of a brief concern of mine with his thoughts of others calling him names and left it at that and asked if they could do a assessment. Though he went to the GP, had bloods and not sure when he will follow it up. .<br>My husband also thinks when I cough in my sleep I am intentially coughing in his face or if I roll over and knock him I am intentially hitting him in my sleep.<br>Our old neighbours he was horrified I told them where we live as he said they now know and will do things to get under his nerves. But now the mood is good, but what do I ask him to do? Who do I refer to ? Do I have a plan in place before I mention that I don't think he is mentally stable? That I am so upset that I can't keep holding on to good time and putting up with the irrational comments and behaviour?? Any advice would beGreat, thanks for listening

18 REPLIES 18

Re: How do I tell him I think he has an issue?

Hello @Life78 and welcome to the forum Smiley Happy

how are you today , yes it is a bit tricky , as with my husband who has MI and has lots of different diagnosis , but he has canclled all help saying that he is ok

I found with my husband , it seems to go around in cycles , he would say  " I need to see the doctor" , good i said , and i would make a appoinment and then he wold cancel it or say he is not going

years ago I would say things which he hated me reminding him , i say i do it because i care , but i have found i have briiten my tounge in not saying something

sometimes they will listen to someone else , is there anyone that he listens to that might be able to say something

Re: How do I tell him I think he has an issue?

Hello @Life78

You may like to look and post in this thread- How to encourage spouse to get help,

Re: How do I tell him I think he has an issue?

Hello @Life78 and welcome to the Forums. I’m sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. It’s so difficult when someone you love is unwell but not receptive the idea of accessing support. It must be so hard not knowing when his mood will change.

It’s great that you took the initiative to contact your husband’s GP. Although they may not have been able to broach the subject with him, it might be helpful for them to have an understanding of the situation if your husband is willing to reach out later.

Have you been able to discuss any of this when your husband is in his happy, helpful mood? It sounds like you have mentioned talking to the doctor about stress and not sleeping. How did he respond to that suggestion?

You have asked who to refer to. The mental health system is set up for people to seek support themselves, so you are doing the right thing encouraging your husband to seek support through his GP. This is the usual pathway to support. You can reach out on your husband’s behalf if you ever think he is at immediate risk of harming himself or someone else.

It is often a good idea to plan out your conversation, as you have mentioned. There are some useful tips about having these kinds of conversations in the following factsheet from the mental illness fellowship:

Effective communication

There are also some great tips in the thread @Shaz51 has linked to above; and there are lots of other members here on the Forums who support partners living with MI including @Faith-and-Hope, @Littleshing1, @Determined and @Former-Member.

Welcome once again and please keep posting Smiley Happy

Re: How do I tell him I think he has an issue?

Thanks  @Shaz51 and @Acacia for your responses and links.

As today he is well and in a calm mood, we went for a walk and I mentioned to him that it is great he is currently sleeping, though I am concerned this will not last long and feel he needs to see someone to deal with his poor sleeping and mood swings (I said it a little more tactfile). Quicly the mood went from calm, to anger and dissmissive of my comments. I understand to him I must sound like a nagging wife as in his eyes there is nothing wrong.  Currently as things are good, he believes everything is in place and he doesn't have an issue.  I tried to be blunt and mentioned to him that when I see him not sleeping and when he is stressed his actions do not seem rationale. I brought up a arguement we had a few weeks ago when he asked me to take out a loan of 120k to pay him back so he can pay off our homeloan. ( we have joint accounts)  I said we are married and this type of response doesnt seem right, nor is it right that you think I am intentionally coughing in your face when I sleep.  His response is that ' he knows every times he coughs and he will always cover his mouth even in his sleep' . I said but this isnt right and I dont think this is normal. The conversation went around in circles, with me saying I am concerened for him and our relationship and said we need to see someone to talk about our thoughts. Though he was more uptight with the fact that I have wrecked his good mood, and that I am bringing up concerns that are not even an issue. So do I wait for another issue/ epsiode and then refer him back to the GP?

I have read a few posts and it scares me to think that this could turn into me having more issues and it will end up being me seeing the phychologist.  It is crazy.  Like @Shaz51 mentioned biting your tonuge is a way and I have done that for years. Preventiing stressors I could see that would elevate his moods. Though this has been a way for me to control things, try and ignore there are isues but after now seeing and hearing him making remarks to voices he may hear is a different level. I am scared he may something to the neighbours and they hear it.  Who knows what happens what I dont see.  He is just supcious of them all. I thought this was just his personality and that he was a supicous person.

And now as he is good I am blurred thinking when will the next episode be.  I keep looking when he goes outside the house to see if I can observe him to respond to voices that may not be there.  I know that soudns terrible, but it is like its a clarification to me to know I am not making it up.  Even though I have enough examples to think there are issues.

 I will read up on the effective communication link @Acacia and strengthen my thoughts and responses.  Maybe the fact sheets may be good if I broch the topic of what he is hearing may not be real.

Thanks!

Re: How do I tell him I think he has an issue?

HI @Shaz51

Strangely enough his sister is a psychologist for children and his brother is a Adult pyschologist.  He is close to his sister and not so with his brother but still see's him. They had a love/ hate relationship growing up.

I have thought about mentioning it to them, though I am afraid that could cause more issues. Worried it may exacerbate things?  I actually dont know if it is good or not?

It sounds like a perfect scenario as I guess they are the professionals and they would know how to deal with it.  Though it is now a family member.  Reality is something I dont want to admit but I know I have to, to be able to help him. 

I will keep reading through!

Thanks for listening

Re: How do I tell him I think he has an issue?

Keep in touch @Life78

With my inlaws , because Inherited dression and anxiety runs through the family , his grandma ,his mum and sisters and his children

they think "Just be busy " and you will be right and my FIL thought I can fix his son

Re: How do I tell him I think he has an issue?

Hi @Life78 .....

This is scarily familiar for me .....

My husband has a hidden eating disorder.  I am not even supposed to be calling it an eating disorder, because it is, as yet, undiagnosed ...... but it is clearly disordered eating and exercising, with strange relationships between the two, and has come with personality and values changes, massive mood swings, aggressive need to control his and everybody else's lives at a level of micro-management, and delusional thinking.

As @Acacia said, the mental health system is set up for people to seek help for themselves ..... and in our state, nobody (who is in a position to make a difference) is prepared to listen to you without a diagnosis in place unless the person you are concern about is present when you have the conversation.

So where does that leave you when they are in denial and totally hostile to any suggestion that they are unwell ?  When it is not safe for your family if you attend an appointment like that .... they present as normal ..... refute everything you are saying ....  the doctor doesn't know who to believe .... and you are going home to a worse predicament than what you were in before ?

That is what happened for me.

Leaving them is one way that the problem can come to light, but in wake of the breakdown of the relationship, along with untold misery, comes financial ruin and the dissolution of the family home .... and the loss of major secondary relationships like grandparents.

I went to a psychologist to receive support as the spouse of someone in denial with mental health issues.  I now have this psychologist as a reference to the fact that my mental health is stable, but I am in conflicted circumstances.  He was also there to walk along with me and offer advice about how to look after myself in these circumstances while I continued to try to support my family unit and wait for the problem to come to light.

Unfortunately it is through the suffering of our adult children, who are buckling under the strain.   Treatment for them has been developing a picture that things are not right at the parental level, and closer inspection of the family dynamics by professionals is unveiling the problem in increments.

Support services I have accessed for me gave me a couple of key pieces of advice -

This is a marathon, not a sprint.  There are no short-term or immediate answers unless the person becomes an immediate danger to themselves or others .... so seek active support for yourself and settle in for the long haul, or leave ....

Learn as much as you can about the sort of illness the person is presenting with, which is where going to a psychologist can help you ... while they can't diagnose your husband without seeing him in person for consultation, they can suggest what the illness may be and where and how to seek information that might help you to cope, including learning strategies to cope with someone who has delusional thinking episodes.

Most of our delusional moments involve things like believing he could fit 5 people into a 4-seat car, and it's okay to drive like that, with someone squashed up against the windscreen in the front seat of the car on the lap of the front seat passenger (I prevented that from going ahead) ... washing his hands with a full water glass in the middle of a restaurant, straight onto the plush carpet ..... thinking he can get from point A to point B through peak hour traffic and rain in half the time it actually takes, thereby missing appointments / flights / reservations / performances and then raging in indignation .... re-writing events in his mind as though they occurred differently than the way they did, convinced that this alternate reality is the truth  ..... accusing me of his past beaviours, and claiming my behaviours as his, creating a role-reversal in his mind.

I am hopeful we are nearing a breakthrough.  This has been an 8 year journey so far.

It is important that you prioritise the well-being of yourself and the children.  Keep chatting with us here ... we can walk along with you as you walk along with him.

💜🌷

F&H

 

Re: How do I tell him I think he has an issue?

@Life78

Currently it is best practise that doctors do not treat family as they are seen to be too involved.  I think that is even more likely to be an issue with a family of professional psychologists.  Just being professional in one small area does not mean there are no problems with interpersonal skills or relationships.

Mention it to his siblings if it feels right, but most important is that you are doing well enough in yourself to be able to keep going.  I have tried the mention I have a problem as in to drop a hint, but that can backfire as then you are admitting issues, which is not always good if their is hostitlity.

Re: How do I tell him I think he has an issue?

Thanks @Appleblossom and @Faith-and-Hope I ended up mentioning it to his sister who was great and resourceful. Though the idea on how to approach the topic is a dreaded thought. My husbands behaviour of being delusional/ paranoid is awful to witness. But I guess I wanted another clarification it is real and well I got it. I walked into the kitchen when he was doing weird moves to the window ( half curtain closed night time only bush behind us and a spec of light from the neighbour house), doing random moves as if someone was watching. I asked him what is he doing and why, he brushed me off which is fine though i said ‘ who are you talking to? He replies with “ must be the voices in my head’ and walks away. I didn’t further the conversation. But should I? Or I think this would aggravate it more? Or would tonight be a good time to sit down with him and ask him to reflect on what happened? why he was doing that and I think he needs help?? He is paranoid of the neighbours or delusional who knows, but I would hate it if he was to be more obvious to the neighbours.
Maybe I can’t step around it any longer as it is so much more frequent! And tonight I try and voice my concern and maybe the ultimatum he needs help to save the marriage? And of course his own well being.
Argh this is all insane and can’t believe so many face this! It would be easier if he had an affair..that’s the easy option I think.. clear cut.. battle forward I know! Thanks for listening!
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