Lived Experience Forum

[The-red-centaur]

To explain me right now would be too difficult. I have pretty much shut down and my brain and body is malfunctioning on many levels. I cant keep a straight process of intelect and words come out wrong and fast and I get angry myself that its all wrong. You write this took a long time, no filter between thumb and mind.
I thought that finally seeing a psychologist to face my ED head on would be the start of something good. But it brought up memories and triggers I didn't realise I had. The first few sessions going over my past and my behaviours has triggered a switch in my brain screaming 'I can't cope with this'.
The dietician and psychologist are challenging the very core of myself and it is a part of me that has to eventually die for me to actually live. So its screaming out saying I'm going to take you dowb with me.
And with the stress and trauma reactions im having on top of my existential crisis I have ceased to function and been in a constant state of danger to myself and then yesterday a danger to those around me.
I am not coping. I feel like all I can do is my behavioursto calm down which I 'know' will make things worse. But I cant stop shaking so I get scared and inflict harm to myself because that is what I know.
Challenging the behaviours I rely on has brought them to a head. I am trying to let them go so they are holding on so tightly until they finally fall I hope instead of strangling me and taking me down with them.
I feel at a cross road. I either decide to be my behaviours and let them rule me or I say no and become a person I do not know but desperately want to meet.

[The-red-centaur]

@NatureLover I have to go to treatment. I'm scared.

[NatureLover]

@The-red-centaur no wonder you are scared, it sounds terrifying. Just letting you know I'm here for you, another reply is coming shortly...

[NatureLover]

No wonder you are under incredible stress, @The-red-centaur . You did well to describe where you are at, when you are feeling so out of control. 

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@The-red-centaur wrote:

The dietician and psychologist are challenging the very core of myself and it is a part of me that has to eventually die for me to actually live. So its screaming out saying I'm going to take you dowb with me.

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I know you are a strong person because you've survived this far. I really feel for what you are facing. 😥 I think you are so brave just for facing it.

Can I ask where you are right now?

[Former-Member]

@The-red-centaur I'm sorry you're struggling a lot. I wish i could be more help, I'm sorry I can't. I do care though and I'm worried about you. Are you ok, are you safe?

I did read all of your post, I'm just not too sure what to say. I hope the therapy and whatnot can help you, and you're treated with respect and whatnot, like you, and anyone should be.

Sorry that I'm not much help and don't know what to say.

[Tortoiseshell]

Hey @The-red-centaur, 

It sounds like this new stage of treatment has triggered a lot of pain, even though you can see it might have value to you if it is manageable. I'm sending you an email to check in 🌻

[Eve7]

@The-red-centaur
Sending hugs and kindness. I don’t know what to say.

[The-red-centaur]

I am sorry I left you all hanging earlier. A friend came over and kept me distract for a few hours.

Now I need sleep.

[Former-Member]

@The-red-centaur hope you had a good sleep, that was nice of a friend to come  visit you. How are you now?

[NatureLover]

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@The-red-centaur wrote:
A friend came over and kept me distract for a few hours.

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Really glad to hear. 🙂 Hope you can get a good sleep @The-red-centaur .