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Re: The Fear of Dying Alone

Hi @Hope4me 

 

I thought it was odd too, and I can answer the question for you. I waited a couple of days and then messaged and said "how was your weekend?". She never replied, and a day or so later, she deleted me. This was on Tinder by the way. She seemed really nice, we had really good conversations and banter, and we had things in common. These experiences are why I have so much anger, because I was doing really well at the time and that just destroyed me. What more could I have done? People say to me you need to work on yourself first, but I have a BA, I have a wide range of interetes and hobbies, a personality that does know how to tell a joke or two, and values and principles that I stand by and trying show through mental health advocacy. That's the hard work I've expended in the last seven years since I've left high school.

 

In my immeadiate family I have my mother, my father, and my sister who is 20. The person I get on with the most is my mum, followed by my sister, and then my dad. That's not to say I don't get on with my dad but we do have communication issues on my mental health issues. He tries his hardest but he doesn't really have the capacity to step into someone else's shoes. We've had family counselling sessions which have helped but I think we have reached the limit of understanding.

 

My mum knows everything that I've been through. During my multiple stints in hospital she was there everyday. My sister has had mental health issues of her own that we share every now and then. So there are no obvious problems there.

 

My dad is the reason why I eventually became a straight edge. He is big on anti-smoking and that rubbed off on me. While he drinks alcohol I took the same level of questioning to that and thought about "what purpose does alcohol actually serve in society?". Eventually I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to drink it because all I saw was that it turned people into completely different characters. Plus my mental health was getting worse and I didn't want to have a dependency on something.

 

I guess I'm drawn to women who have similar interests, are open minded, has a sense of humour, and is caring, empathetic and honest. I care a lot about honesty because I had a lot of backstabbing friends in high school. It means I have trust issues.

 

My day was hard. I was at uni and we had a break from class. I saw two people holding hands and it destroyed me on the inside. It was like someone had ripped my heart up and thrown it in the bin. I've never felt so lonely and stuck in my life.

 

The fear of dying alone and never having a girlfriend, which is something society takes for granted, is going to happen. Because I am too left of centre.

Re: The Fear of Dying Alone

I'm so glad you decided to open up @TheRenegade345 

It's nice getting to know you, what you've experienced and where you come from. In the sense of recovery, I hope talking on this forum has been enlightening and helpful.

 

You're obviously an intelligent and resourceful young man; this will serve you well during your lifetime. I applaud your drive and principles too Renagade. Some might not sit well with people, but there will be young women out there who admire your qualities; please know this.

 

Just for a moment I'd like to touch on the woman we've spoken about. Thankyou by the way for explaining more about what happened. Why [she] withdrew will never be known, that's a given, so using scenario's like this one to determine who you are as a man and who women are isn't logical when you think about it.

 

 At 25 your journey of self discovery has only just begun. Many lessons lay ahead of you, some of which will be painful, but valuable none the less - disappointment, loss and too many unanswered why's and what for's. It's how you cope and come back from these experiences that matter.

 

Reading your words of self degradation makes me sad for you. I hope you don't speak like this around your mother; I couldn't bare to hear this from my son, it would hurt me deeply.

 

You mention trust; it's earned, it's not an entitlement. I'm wondering if you could look back and unbiasly assess how you've trusted people in the past. Has it been as a child would trust unconditionally (this is what I did) or has it been with conditions and deal breakers for instance? And what about trusting yourself? This was a big issue for me personally.

 

Questions such as these will help you understand deep seeded beliefs that guide your responses and expectations with people. 

 

I'm glad you see a psych regularly, having that support is essential for ongoing healing and recovery.

 

It's late so I'll take my leave. I'm sorry your day was difficult, here's hoping tomorrow's a better one.

Warm thoughts;

Hope Heart 👵🖐

Re: The Fear of Dying Alone

Hi @Hope4me 

 

I hope you are right. The kind of feedback I have received tends to range from what you said to the indifference that I receive from everyone else. So sometimes I don't know who to believe. I've greatly offended people in the past by the virtue of me politely turning down a glass of alcohol. It is astounding how skewed all of our moral compasses are when something like that offends us. I could go into a political rant but I don't think that's this is the place for that 😂

 

I think that is a good point but I still think I must have done something wrong. This wasn't the only time that happened so I just thought maybe I did something, without me knowing, that made her utterly repulsed by me.

 

My mum has been there at the worst of times so she has heard the self loathing. She hasn't heard the worst of it, trust me there is some really awful things I say about myself, but she has heard a lot of the criticisms that I subject myself to.

 

When I was in high school, I was in survival mode. I had to trust those people because if I didn't I would have had no friends. I also didn't have much of a personality at the time so I didn't have the confidence to stand up for myself. I say they backstabbed me because I would often hear whatever problems they had and try to help them as best I could. I found that was only a one way street. They couldn't care less about my problems were. When I left high school I was starting to develop my values and principles and that was when I decided I don't need these people in my life anymore. So trust has now become something people need to earn from me, which is not as hard as you would think. What do you mean by trusting yourself?

 

I hope so too. I'm just in a real bad way right now.

Re: The Fear of Dying Alone

You know what @TheRenegade345? I'm really enjoying your conversation style. Being able to relay your thoughts and feelings this way makes reading and responding easy. Thank you...

 

I don't want to focus on your problems today as there's so much more to you that interests me. For instance, the punk music you're into. My nephew was lead singer and guitarist for a band which did gigs at local pubs. They had a good following; that was nice to know. I think you'd describe it as 'grunge'?

 

What struck me was how he enjoyed the experience more than how I may have been a little offended by their music. His voice was surpriseingly powerful; he spoke with me about learning to breathe from his stomach which impressed me.

 

Being different isn't a crime, but can be an acquired taste for some. I for one admire your individuality and the way you stick to your guns. It takes a rainbow of colours to make up a community, may as well throw some punk into the mix eh?

 

You haven't mentioned what career path you'd like to take. Your BA's impressive. I love history too (modern) which bought me closer to one teacher at school; it was one of my elective's. She took my focus away from self esteem problems by praising my work and showing interest in me. It changed the direction of my life for the better.

 

Politics? Don't get me started! Ha ha.. I know what you mean. We're voting this weekend here in NSW. When I was doing my degree in welfare we had to write about the history of the welfare state. I found it intriguing which makes me sad for todays ideologies knowing how they've morphed. Money, money, money...

 

I love doco's too my friend, not so much ancient history unfortunately. I do enjoy the Nun in Europe though who seems to really know her stuff. One that comes to mind is when she focused on the common man and how much info was out there, opposed to people of notoriety. Very interesting...

 

So I'll end things here and wish you well for the remainder of the day. Chin up hun ok.

Take care;

Hope (hugs) Heart 👵

Re: The Fear of Dying Alone

Hey @Hope4me 

 

Thanks for the compliment. I guess because I’ve studied two heavy writing subjects I’m history and English so that teaches you to write well. 

 

Thats cool. It’s good to see that he enjoyed it. My musical tastes are actually a bit broader. I like a lot of late 70s early 80s punk/post-punk/new wave music. This is where alternative music was born. I’ve also gotten into New Order this year so you can add dance music to the mix. I’ve also got a big interest in classic rock as well as 90s music. 

 

I’ve also written a ton of music as well. And I hope to do some live music in the future. Ah yeah grunge music. I can appreciate it but it’s not my absolute favourite. I’ve also done singing lessons and your nephew is right, breathing is so important in singing. 

 

Being different isn’t a crime but sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I wasn’t different and I just towed the line of the mainstream. Would I be where I am today? Who knows. 

 

I am currently studying a Masters of Secondary Teaching and I’m still in my first year. Another year and a half to go. I prefer ancient history because it’s where all of our institutions, such as democracy and philosophy, that we have today were born. But any period really fascinated me. I did a lot of study on Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander history. It was quite confronting to find out how little I knew about it. They don’t teach enough about it in schools to be honest. It’s almost like they are trying to sweep the bad parts under the rug and embrace the good parts. Who would have thought?

 

We had our elections earlier this year in Victoria. I’ve found that politics has been a part of my decline in my mental health. Just seeing how much corruption and dishonesty goes on in it makes me incredibly sad and depressed about the future. 

 

Today was one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. It was truly awful and I felt incredibly depressed about the future. 

Re: The Fear of Dying Alone

Hello again @TheRenegade345 

 

I'm glad you're still sharing parts of who you are. 😊

 

I can totally relate to being depressed by the current political climate. During my worst days watching on as pollies cut each other down to get ahead, it made for worring times. The future seems to be a default for depression and anxiety related issues.

 

The thing is, we don't have any control and that's probably the crux of why we worry so much during our episodes. I used to write letters to my local member which helped to ease the burden somewhat. They always replied too; that was nice.

 

Trusting yourself? Suffering depressive moods causes us to question our ability to problem solve 'in specific areas' because issues are skewed by hormonal negativity  and painful experiences. How you've unloaded all that worry from dating onto yourself is an example. "There must be something wrong with me for her to do that" Logically this is nonsense, but needing answers tends to take over instead of saying "Oh well, she's the one missing out" or something similar.

 

Although I don't mention anything about your 'bad days' it doesn't mean I don't care ok. I 'literally' know how you feel because I've been there and know intimately of that internal screaming.

 

My knowledge and experience tells me that focusing on 'feelings' more than what's going on around you in the moment can be a downward spiral. Dwelling on what could've been, trying to work out what went wrong or planning imaginary future scenario's is your brain's way of trying to 'fix' you.

 

I talk about the brain being like a separate entity to the personality because it is in many ways. You program and teach your brain by 'rote' learning. If you have continuous negative thoughts, this becomes a default of sorts so just like a computer, you need to reprogram it to work in your favour.

 

There are ways to trick the brain in this respect. The best way to accomplish this is to be self aware and understand your brain is made up of mostly chemical and primal responses, not opinions or thinking. Have you seen somebody try to eat an apple with their eyes closed while smelling an onion? It's the same principle; the apple will taste like onion.

 

I know it's hard Renagade. Trying to find the right girl while feeling so much internal pain can be soul destroying. There's hope though, please remember this.

 

Till next time;

Hope (hug) Heart 👵

Re: The Fear of Dying Alone

Hi @Hope4me 

 

I do like to share parts about me to people willing to listen 😊 I can show how diverse my musical tastes are. While punk is my favourite genre of music, my favourite albums of all time are not. They are “Brighter Than A Thousand Suns” by Killing Joke (which is more of a new wave/synth pop album with heavy instrumentation) and “The Who Sell Out” by The Who (which is a power pop album playing homage to the FM pirate radio stations the band had grown up listening to). I love the history of music which makes sense due to my love of history. 

 

Yep I totally agree with that. When Donald Duck became President of the US I spent most of the day listening to “I’m So Bored With The USA” by The Clash 😂 It was the only way I could cope that day. But you are right, the politicians only care about their careers than the needs of their constituents. They’ll pull anyone down just to get ahead. 

 

I like the quote you made about how I should look at it like “she’s missing out”. Not to toot my own horn but I really think I’m someone who: has a personality, knows where they want to go in life, has hobbies and interests that keep me entertained, and has strong principles and values. I think it takes a while to develop the values I have and that was because I started like 10 YEARS AGO. I feel a lot older than most people my age because I’ve matured a lot earlier. 

 

I told my therapist a couple of years ago that I’m a walking stress machine. Sometimes I find it hard to let go. 

 

I may try to think of it that way. The brain is just a neutral object that is conditioned to act a certain way in accordance to what it experiences. Do I have it right? 

 

I guess i need to trust myself a bit more bit more because I know have the resolve, I just don’t have a lot of support around me that totally get what I’m going through. 

 

Thanks for believing in me. I hope that someday I will meet her as well. 

 

Regards

 

Renegade

Re: The Fear of Dying Alone

Ah that's the way @TheRenegade345 😄

 

It's so nice to see you confident and up lifted; makes my day actually. From what you've told me about yourself, I'm sure you'll find love and intimacy within the boundaries of your wish list. Online dating sites aren't the best way to meet up; it's inclandestine opportunities (in the real world) that usually come our way when least expected.

 

And yes, you are a great catch my young friend. By the way, I lurve The Who!!! I grew up with their music. You do have quite a broad range of musical likes that's for sure.

 

I'm really proud of you. It's difficult maturing at the best of times, but with a MH disorder, life can really suck. You're being proactive though so huge kudos and well done!!!

 

You wrote; "The brain is just a neutral object that is conditioned to act a certain way in accordance to what it experiences. Do I have it right?"

 

Nearly. The brain isn't neutral, it's totally for the person it lives in. It 'responds' to stimuli whether that's chemical (primal urges or physical illness) internal (memories) or external (conscious experience or the five senses).

 

People who suffer anxiety have a 'worn' nervous system from an overworked brain; it's sick and doesn't respond properly. In my own case, I lived on adrenaline my whole life (many abuse issues) and never knew any other way of being. The first time I felt calm in the true sense of the word, I freaked out thinking I was dying.

 

It's a very complex subject but due to your intelligence I had no doubt you're quite capable of comprehending complex concepts and learning to apply them to your recovery. I have total faith in you...

 

Smile and the world smiles with you. I know, pretty lame, but next time you're walking and pass people, smile in their direction and they'll most likely respond by smiling back.

 

Take care young one;

Hope xo Heart 👵

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Sex PistolsSex Pistols

 

 

 

 

😎

 

Re: The Fear of Dying Alone

Hey @Hope4me 

 

Thanks, I really hope you are right. I have my moments, as you have seen on this forum, where I truly don't believe it. I get really depressed about it where triggers can be all around me. However, the reason I'm still here is because there is a little bit of hope. Yeah I have come to that conclusion actually, I really don't think they are a great way to meet someone. They can be quite brutal actually which has caused me a lot of distress actually.

 

Awesome! The reason I got into The Who is because I grew up listening to classic rock radio and I was greatly exposed to bands like CCR, The Kinks, ELO etc. Quadrophenia by The Who is one of the very few albums I've ever listened to that actually accurately mentions how I feel about life. 

 

It really is but I don't want to conform to societal values just to fit in. This is who I am and I am proud of it. So I stay the course and just keep doing what I am doing. 

 

Okay, that makes a lot more sense. The brain is essentially trying to survive and will do what it can to make sure that it does what it can to stay alive.

 

I know that feeling of feeling 'normal' and thinking there is something wrong with you! When I am really happy it feels really weird and I honestly feel like the bad feelings will come back really just as I get used to the happy feelings. It's a strange place to be in.

 

Well I am doing a Masters (goodness knows why 😂) so I have some cognitive ability to do.... stuff.... and.... things... 😂 I'm sure I'll get there.

 

I was at uni today (I had to leave early because I think I'm coming down with a cold) but I did have some good interactions with people. So I know I'm not completely repulsive it's just that I am not the most outgoing person when you meet me. So you need a little patience which is lacking in the world I think.

 

Renegade

 

(btw love those pictures! Thanks for sharing them! It's a shame where music has gone from then where it is currently today) 

Re: The Fear of Dying Alone

I want to die

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