15-05-2018 07:48 PM
Today has not been an easy day. It started off well, the kids behaved this morning while they got ready for school, I then went and had a cuppa with one of only a few friends I have left.
I’m glad I still have her in my life, as much as I know she would be hurting for what I have put myself and everyone through (including her), she seems to understand that it was something I had no control over, if only everyone could be as understanding….
So, after our catch up I came home and done a few domestic things around the house.
I then sat down and knew I needed to start writing out my life story (at my solicitor’s request).
So off I went….. laptop open and I was typing away. before I knew it all these thoughts and memories started flooding my mind, I thought I was doing well, remembering things as I wrote, but as I remembered those things I felt all the pain that came with it. Memories of good times with people I was close to, some of my cousin who was like a sister, others of male friends who were like a brother or father. But now, that’s all I have left of them.
I have had people call and text me with horrible things to say, they tell me I don’t deserve to live,(maybe they are right) people tell me i should be in jail (big chance of that happening in a month still), I have had people egg the house, abuse my family and my ex when they are down the street, I have the media stakeout our house waiting for me to leave so they can take photos of me or try to get a comment. All the hurt and anger people would be feeling from my actions. I can only imagine the questions they want answered. But if only they knew, I want them too. These same people that loved and cared for me so much, the people i will do anything for, the love I have for them… but most of them are now gone. If only they knew the guilt I live with every day. The nightmare’s every night or no sleep because I’m scared of what or who I dream about. I just want it to all stop.
I wish I could change what has happened, but I can’t, instead I need to learn how to deal with it.
I need to deal with the fact that most of these people I have deceived may not talk to me again, it hurts so much and knowing how much I have hurt them hurts even more…
Being told last week I have DID (dissociative identity disorder) is a challenge, trying to understand it is hard, but I know that by understanding it will help me understand who I, (we) are and that’s what I need to do. Maybe then I will have the answers that is needed.
So tonight, I will kiss my kid’s goodnight and tell them how much I love them, I’ll have a good cry, I’ll tell my ex fiancé that I’m lost and don’t know what to say or do, but know tomorrow is a new day. tomorrow i will get up and face this world again as hard as it is, i will put one foot in front of the other and try to except that yes life does suck right now, i may have lost most of those i were once close to, but remember the few that i still have left, the ones who are trying to understand this mental illness and I’m doing my best to get the help i need.
it will get better, one day i will be ok.
As someone that I adore once said to me, I just need to keep on swinging!
16-05-2018 11:14 AM - edited 16-05-2018 11:15 AM
Welcome to the forums, I have not yet met you before, it is nice to meet you.
Thank you for sharing some really extremely tough experiences, it sounds like you are coping with so much at the moment, not only with your mental health, but also other things on top of having children and going through some legal issues. I can only imagine how tough that would all be right now for you.
It is good you are looking at each new day as another day to focus on, one step at a time, to have control over your life and not overwhelm yourself, that sounds really helpful.
You have also just been diagnosed with DID, I am glad you are getting that support as you are trying to process that and understand those symptoms. Good work.
I look forward to getting to know you better, if you would like, you may want to Introduce Yourself here which might be a helpful way of getting to know some other forum members.
16-05-2018 06:08 PM
@melq83 Hi there and welcome. I also have DID and though we have different stories, there are similarities. I have also lost family and friends. The diagnosis is difficult to accept, but maybe a relief in some ways also. I don't know if you have looked around the forum for places of interest and ways of getting to know others. The " Good Morning" thread is a light and fun place. I can tag you there if you would like. All the best.
16-05-2018 06:12 PM
hi @Lunar and thank you for your reply!
Yes i will do that tonight for sure... Thank you for your kind words, it means alot!
16-05-2018 06:15 PM
Thanks @Maggie for replying!
It seems very hard at the moment. but just taking it one day at a time!
Have you read any books on DID? im interested in getting one if it can help.If you can tag me in that thread that would be great also! look forward to chatting more with you :-)
16-05-2018 06:28 PM
@melq83 I have some excellent books, they are on loan at the moment, once I get them back I'll get the names for you. Are you interested in gardens, animals as there are other threads for those also. I don't want to tag you if you are not interested.
16-05-2018 06:48 PM
@Maggiethat would be great if you could let me know their names! My ex partner has ordered a book online, i cant remember the name of it right now but he said its about learning to cope and manage with DID.
Sadly gardening has never been my thing.. i was a good athlete when i was younger and have always been right into sport. We have a labredor retreivor at home. but thats the best i can do for animals LOL
My life revolves around my kids, they are always at some sport, as i type right now i am sitting in the car in the dark waiting for one of my daughters to finish cheerleading practise!
16-05-2018 07:57 PM
Ah @melq83 you will find many sports minded people here, also mums waiting in cars for kids to come off the court.
Two books, these are my favourites
Dissociative Identity disorder sourcebook by Deborah Bray Haddock
Amongst ourselves by Tracy Alderman and Karen Marshall.
There are others but can be triggering. If you have a counsellor/psych, maybe talk things through and put them aside if they cause any trauma.
Hope your evening with the kids goes okish.
16-05-2018 09:31 PM
amoungst ourselves is the name of the book we brought!
yes i am a little worried it may cause some stress by reading them but i wont know unless i try!
hoping to join a group therapy team near my area to help with the child hood truma in the next week or two.
one foot in front of the other...
17-05-2018 03:22 PM
Hi @melq83 hope you are travelling okish today.
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