Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Hi @Shaz51 @Owlunar @Gazza75 @Maggie @MDT and others following 

this morning I went on my 50 min walk. It was very fresh but nice. Just the feel of the cold air in my face was beautiful. 

Wirk 10-2 busy which was good. 

Dietitan appt after wirk. By then I was exhausted felt crap and all I wanted to do was cry. 

We talked about my eating and he was really happy with my walking. He said I don’t see my little progress as a positive. He said I see it as “just ok”. 

We discussed the scales and he said he will weigh me but he still thinks that’s not important. 

He could see I was struggling emotionally. I told him that I felt I was been judged by him if I eat too much. He was glad I told him as I was been very honest. 

He would like me to try to eat one small piece of chocolate and let it melt in my mouth. To actually taste the flavour. Then I will write down how I felt doing that. 

I also mentioned thst I feel lost without the scales. He agreed that this is difficult for me as it’s been a very long time habit for me. But he said this feeling will subside. 

With reg to not sleeping - he suggested a sleep diary. He said just write what’s in my mind. And then go bsvk to sleep. 

The dietitian said to me to just deal with one day at a time. 

Im exhausted. Glad it’s friday. 

I’m now feeling very deflated. I feel thst my expectations in my weight journey isn’t progressing as I think it should. It’s too slow. I’m sngry at myself. 

This is a month now that I’m walking daily. I’m think it’s ok but find it very hard to say fantastic or excellent or great. It’s just ok. 

[Shaz51]

keep going my sister @BlueBay 

I was naughty tonight , I had a packet of chips

[BlueBay]

Wish I had some chips @Shaz51 

@are you a sweet or savoury person? Xx

[Maggie]

You are hard on yourself @BlueBay . I do understand it’s hard to see progress, sometimes others who know us well might be a good person to listen to, someone outside of our own head. The internal critic can be the harshest of all.

Weight is mostly a slow journey, and at times, it’s the slow loss that stay off.

Your walks are amazing, don’t undervalue what you are doing. You are doing well. 💕💜💕❤️

[BlueBay]

Thankyou @Maggie ❤️❤️

I have never continued anything this long as I’m in walking. I usually give up very quickly. But with walking it’s giving me some space snd time for me alone. 

[Molliex]

Hi @BlueBay I've read back through your thread to learn about your story. It sounds like you're doing really great. Sticking to something like walking for a month is a really positive step. I always give up on stuff easily too.

It sounds like you have a very supportive dietician. 

I hope you have a lovely Saturday. Please be kind to yourself 🌻🌻

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay 

It's a lovely day in Melbourne today - I flew home yesterday - it is so dry in Queensland and New South Wales - a lot worse than at this time last year

I am concerned that you feel as if your dietician might be judging you if you eat too much - you are very hard on yourself and judge yourself harshly - maybe it eases the self-judgmentalism if you feel as if your dietician is doing some of the judging

And I am pretty sure he is not - he sounds like a very sincere and kindly person and in the business for the right reasons - to help people

And I notice you do fear others people's judgment of you - and I can assure you that most of the time people don't even notice you - as when you walk around your area - or on the beach - and people have enough of their own stuff to worry about before they get personal with you - 

And you are okay - walking is a good way to exercise - you get out in the fresh air and have some personal space that you need so much - and it helps with weight loss and a general feeling of well-being. It's better than just okay - it's well up on the "bloody good work" scale - it's time to go easy on yourself - try and not be so angry with yourself

I had a mother full of criticism like yours - she was full of contradictions and fears - storing up regrets for her future - and couldn't help herself when she gave me a hard time. For a long time I was confused and got out of her way - no one needs anyone interferring the way your mother and my mother got in on - and I know she had a hard childhood etc but I think I understand her reason but it's no excuse to be rough on their kids - esp when they pick one out for special treatment.

I hear you - it's really hard to get past

Maybe it has something to do with your premature birth - she must have been really scared having a pre-term baby - I know myself - my daughter was a month early and battled at the beginning - but she is the rose of my life - she was so hard to conceive than hard to hold in the womb long enough and then failed to thrive - it's a lot of work and I never regretted her for a minute

But maybe your mother was different with you - because it is hard having a baby so early - 8 weeks early. It's my guess that you mother has never got over that and she's angry and judgmental with and about you

None of this is  your fault - your life started rough and if your mother didn't show you the love you deserve no wonder you have some many self-esteem issues

But you are worthy - you are a valuable person

We care about you here BlueBay - 

Dec

Roses for BlueBay

because you are worthwhile

[BlueBay]

Thankyou @Molliex  for your support. ❤️

@Owlunar  where do I start? I’m crying while reading g your reply. Pathetic isn’t it. 

I told my dietitian yesterday thst I was scared he would judge me fir eating too much. He replied that he’s never been angry in his 10 years as a senior dietitian. 

I’m still not persuaded. He is an amazing guy. Very caring genuine snd easy going. I think this is what I needed. Someone like him to motivate and help me. Yes I’m living my walk. I went this mirning while hubby having breakfast. I walked 4km and then came home put some washing on and walked again with hubby and d eith a. Beautiful morning. 

I know that I have a lot of inner critic of my mum. Talking in my head. Maybe we just never connected. She never stayed in hospital when I was born. She was home with my brother. But back in those days it would have been different. 

She critucised me so many times about my weight and what I wore. Even some presents of clothes she would buy 2 sizes bigger for me. I just don’t get. 

My dietitian asked if my dizziness (twice in a week) had anything to do with eating. I couldn’t tell him that maybe it was. I prob didn’t eat enough. I know I will tell him next session as I need to be honest otherwise he can’t grlp me.  I just get scared of “getting into trouble”. 

See that’s my BPD. he also told me that I have a very distorted view and thinking about myself and no confidence in taking peoples compliments. 

When you snd others say I’m valued and worthy I struggle to accept it as real. It’s not thst I don’t appreciate you and others comments it’s just me thst struggles. And I’m not brushing off what you’re saying because I always value what you say to me. I know you’ve had similar issues with your mum and you understand. 

Thsnkyou @Owlunar  for the beautiful roses. So nice. 

I wish I could give you a big big hug. So I’m sending you one through here 🤗 🤗❤️❤️

[BlueBay]

I’m really teary 😢😢

can’t shake the depressed feeling 

i don’t know why I’m feeling like this 

everyone at home annoying me

nothings easy 

wish I could sleep one whole night. All night. 

@Owlunar @Molliex @Maggie @Shaz51 @Gazza75 @MDT  abd others following 

[Maggie]

@BlueBay  Hearing you. 💕💜💕💜