Lived Experience Forum

[Razzle]

@BlueBay   I hope your day at work today has been better than the last few shifts.  

It sounds like your session with your therapists have been particularly tough on you, dragging up memories you don’t really want to re visit.  I’m hearing you there, it feels like you can never seperate yourself from your past.  I feel that a lot lately too.

I find myself in a situation at the

moment that is hard to navigate through  on my own.  I have lost trust in my councillor, so feel like I can’t talk to him anymore, I find I am very guarded as to what I say to him.  I wasn’t going to go back to him, but decided not to cancel my next apt with him because I wanted

to know why he responded to me the way he did during my last crisis.  I still don’t feel like he gave me a good enough explanation, the trust is gone and I’m finding it hard to get back.

My husband and I were supposed to have a couples session with him last Thursday.  My husband pulled out the night before, and as we were his first apt for the day I felt it was too late to cancel so I went alone.  Ironically, that session we talked a lot about trust - and how I don’t have trust for anyone in my

life - another special little feature I’m dragging along from my past.  He explained that the trouble I’m having with my sons partner and her mother in not being able to see the baby is exacerbated by my trust issues.  He wasn’t blaming me, just letting me see what’s actually going on.  I think it’s more that they lie so often that its nothing to do with my “trust issues” but more to do with that they are not trust worthy.

The baby is now 7 weeks old, we haven’t seen her since she was 3 weeks old.  It’s a mess, but I’ve taken a huge step back.  The other family thrive on drama and I refuse to feed into that.

On a whole other level, my marriage is a mess, the anniversary of my sons death is coming up, his birthday was only a few days ago, my head is a mess, anxiety is off the charts, so if you find that escape, let me know and I’ll come with you, I’ll even carry your bags.

I hope you have a good weekend, and get some time to yourself.  Give A a big hug, what you have with her is very precious, when everything else has gone dark in your life, at least you have that beautiful little light ❤️❤️

[BlueBay]

Hi my lovely friend @Owlunar 

I’m so grateful to have you in my life on this forum. Over the years you have supported me guided me snd you never gave up on me. 

Reading your post and story of your son made me cry. You were snd still a good mum. One that I’m sure he loved you to bits. 

Your son had so much love from you it’s obvious in your writing. 

Its so hard to read thst he struggled so much. No one deserves such pain. 

Im glad thst by me writing is helping you understand what your son went through snd how hard it must have been for him. BPD is a real struggle.

i didn’t realise how hard it is to have it. 

I guess wherever I go BPD will be with me forever. If I go to one area and move to another it won’t make much difference because my BPD will still be with me. 

It’s upsetting to see he felt unworthy. But I do understand as some days that’s how I feel. Actually this week I had these thoughts. 

Your son sounded like a good boy who struggled with BPD and it’s so sad   

But looking back you must be proud that you gave him so much love and care. 

I feel for you a lot @Owlunar  ❤️❤️

At times when I think about my mum abandoning me I get angry and cry. 

Im crying now reading thst you’ll never give up on me. Thst is the most uplifting thing I’ve ever had anyone say to me. 

No one has ever said that to me. Not my parents nor hubby or kids. 

It means a lot to me to hear that from you. 

Some days when I’m in a negative state I feel like a little girl agsin wanting to hide away. Screaming and crying to be heard. 

And I know I’m certainly heard on here 

I often think when writing on here that people wouldn’t support it chst to me because of my BPD snd negativity. 

Its such an automatic response that I don’t really notice until someone points it out. 

I went to the dietitian yesterday. He was a very nice guy. But of course my BPD came out and I told him I’m fearing of failure of not losing weight. He said I eat pretty well but need to exercise more.  He doesn’t want me to weigh at home. He wants me to take it slowly and nit beat myself up if I don’t walk or eat healthy on the day. 

Hi to @Razzle @Ali11 @Shaz51 @Former-Member  @Faith-and-Hope  @Zoe7 

[BlueBay]

Hi my friend @Razzle 

I’ve missed chstting to you ❤️

Thanks fir you reply. I know you understand. I’m so sorry to read you haven’t seen your grandchild or son for a few weeks. That’s really tough 😢

my heart aches for you. But just for now it might be the way it is. I’m hoping your son can see what he’s partner and her mum are like. But it doesn’t make it easy does it? 

You’ve got some pretty tough things coming up. Reminders memories anniversaries / these are all so difficult. And not having the support from your husband it’s not easy. 

I’m here with A next to me. We’re watching wiggles together. 

Here for you always ❤️❤️

Take care 

[Ali11]

Sending love @BlueBay  Happy to hear the dietician was a nice guy, he sounds like he'll be good to work with  

[Shaz51]

hugs my sister @BlueBay 

[BlueBay]

Hugs to you too sis @Shaz51 

it’s cold here. Waiting fir A to go to sleep now do we can make home made pizza. How are you? What are you having for dinner? 

❤️❤️

[Shaz51]

verryy tired my sis @BlueBay 

should have an early night i think , had a very restless night last night with everything happening

got this annoying headache all day

sorry sis for the venting xoxo

we brought takeaways tonight -- fish and chips

[BlueBay]

Oh @Shaz51  pls don’t apologise 

you need to vent sis 

it’s ok 

I hope your headache subsides and hope you sleep well 

❤️❤️

[Shaz51]

i fell asleep my sis @BlueBay 

so I am going to bed now

hope you have a good sleep

see you tomorrow xx

[Shaz51]

hello My sister @BlueBay