Lived Experience Forum

[Eeyore]

Hello all, I am a first time contributor. I am nearly 47 and have been living with depression since I was 17. I have been struggling again for the last 2 years after having 5 really great years. Five years of working full time in high level management jobs, feeling full of life and worthwhile.
At the moment I am really struggling. I have been out of hospital for a week. I was in for two weeks for TMS which has usually really worked for me. I went back to work on Monday - this time last week I was looking forward to returning - but am at home today with that leaden feeling.
The heaviness has returned during the week - today the tears are back as well. I am concerned that perimenopause may be impacting on me - and my depression. I am still in management but not enjoying it and just not enjoying work at all. I just want to sleep or sit in my chair. I can sit and just let the day drift by.
I am worried about what the outcome is going to be. What is going to happen. Is my life goijg to return to my early years when i was in and out of hospital all the time, barely working or functioning at home?
Thanks for your time. It is strange to put these thoughts and feelings out to people I don't know - people that I can't even see.

[Hobbit]

Hi @Eeyore ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums!! You will find much support here from many wonderful and caring people. 

I would like to commend you on being aware of your feelings enough to know that somehting is not quite right, and also having the courage to reach out to others for some help.

Don't feel strange about putting your thoughts and feelings out here, we all do it (even us moderators sometimes!!). It must feel terrible for you right now, worrying that things may slip back to what they once were. I was thinking, have you tried giving beyondblue a call? The number is 1300 22 4636 or the website is here. Another good option is calling the Salvo's Care Line on 1300 36 36 22. They are trained counsellors available to chat 24 hours a day.

The other thing is, if you can tell us what state you are in, we may be able to find some local services that could hep you out.

I think you are on the right track. We can't change the past, but we can change who we are in the present, and therefore try to influence the future. And it seems to me that you are trying to do just that.

There are many people who can help you, and these forums are a great place to start. @Alessandra1992 , @PeppiPatty , @kristin , @Rick , or anyone else - would you guys have some advice for @Eeyore ??

Take care Eeyore, be kind to yourself, as they say, and keep posting on these forums. You will love the care and support.

Hobbit.

[Rick]

@Eeyore 

Hello Eeyore, my name is Rick.

Welcome to the forum. this is a safe place to talk about everything. From current symptoms to jokes about bums. The  thing we do well here is support each other. That could be emotional support or help finding resources or chasing up new research data. We also just kinda hang sometimes and fool around like bored teenagers. I've gotten alot out of the forum I hope you do too.

Long term depression is very hard to live with. If you actually get a break and are symptom free for a length of time it terrifying to think you might be sliding back into it. 

I notice the your Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation treatment was only two weeks long. Is this because it is a top up dose?

As you no doubt know the treatment is normally five seesions a week for four weeks. I'm only passingly familiar with it as I've not had myself. Do they decrease the dose after a period of stability? if so, it might be time for a treatment review. This is a vital part of managing any MI. It's also easily overlooked.

Perhaps you could chat do your clinician about it. Perhaps you are correct concerning perimenopause.

1300 883 405 is a contact no for the Australian Menopause Centre. 

It is quite important to chat to your quack about the perimenopause issue as it can have a significant effect of emotional stability. What you are currently experiencing may well not be a return of your former depression but perhaps a hormonal depression is sneaking up on you. Tiredness is also one of the main symptoms.

It certainly is frightening to be hit with symptoms you thought were under control, but in your case they may still be under control. Hormonal depression is a completely different animal and responds to hormonal therapies very well.

In the end though I would advise talking to your doc, updating them on your condition and current suspicions and working out a treatment plan.

Anyhoo, 

please be welcome to our little niche, if you need to vent feel free, cos we do, and please just keep hoping.

Hope endures

Rick

[kristin]

Dear @Eeyore 

A warm welcome to the forums! Sorry to hear you are struggling with this - a very frightening smack in the face after being well so long. Thanks for your openness and honesty - it takes a lot of courage to open up to complete strangers. I think you will find that we "get it", even though we all have different MIs. Most of us (perhaps all?) have struggled with depression at some point, sometimes unrelentingly. It is a bit like trying to got about your "normal" life whilst breathing underwater and carrying a millstone around your neck, positively exhausting. You are definitely a survivor, having lived with this condition for 30 years. 

I think Rick makes some good suggestions. I have finished going through menopause now, but in the thick of things I was on the most awful emotional roller-coaster, and from what friends have told me mine was relatively mild and short (only a couple of years).

I guess the other thing that comes to mind is do you (or did you) have a therapist to work with you? If it isn't hormonal then maybe there are things bubbling away which need addressing. Certainly I find that is so for me anyway - if there is too much unaddressed stuff in my "closet" I start getting very depressed. My way of preventing that is regular therapy, a bit like going to the gym except for my mental health (if that makes sense). 

Another question that occurs to me is how is work? Being in management can be extremely stressful, and very demanding. Is there anything happening at work that's stirring things up for you? (I used to be in middle management of a large retailer for many years before I had kids.)

BTW these questions are not something I expect you to tell us, unless you want to - just some things which may be worth pondering.

Please take care, and feel free to post or browse here as much as you wish.

And as Rick has already said... hope (endearingly) endures!

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

[peace]

Hi @Eeyore I can understand your concern/fear of falling back down into the dark hole that swallows up the zest for life. Rick has given some excellent suggestions. I went into menopause at your age. Everyone said I was too young yet they were wrong. With these hormonal changes so much can be triggered off. Please do not add fuel to your worry or depressed state. Wait until you have some facts to work with. May peace be within you ☆

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @Eeyore, the good news is it pretty easy to find out if it's hormonal.. Just a test and you will know..however..I had ridiculous fatigue last year and now I take vit D, every day.. And I wasn't expecting to be deficient at all..these middle years really kick our butts at times! And this age can bring a lit of soul searching with it..that perhaps management is not what you want to do for rest of your career ...take care, and be kind to yourself, I have no idea if tms has any fatigue side effects..

[Eeyore]

Hi all. Thanks for your responses. I have had all the hormone related blood tests done; all clear. Have started seeing a new therapist. She uses ACT which is why I chose to see her (had done some reading and liked the sound of it). Think I am getting tired of management and also just the work i am currently doing. Doesn't have much heart. Opening myself to the realisation that I have choices has relieved some of the pressure. Am feeling a bit better than when I first wrote.
Thanks again for all of your words. It is kind of strange - but good strange - to know people are out there.
E

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @Eeyore, that's great news to read! It really is inspiring to read that you do have choices! No underlying physical issues..fantastic and sounds as though a career change may happen over time..I think this is one of those Hooting Woohoo moments!! Woohoo you're in the driving seat, trying ACT, and learning new things about you.. Keep us posted with how your year unfolds!! Woohoo

[peace]

Thanks @Eeyore for posting your update. So glad things are going well.