Lived Experience Forum

[Guiding_Light]

@Former-Member 
I don't know of anyone critisizing you and if they are I wouldn't worry,
it's nothing personal, there are many people here form all walks and all experiences and this is a forum for people suffering from and recovering from mental illness.

It's nice having you here and your input is valuable and important, 
be safe and well, your wellbeing is important.

Please be kind with yourself,
I care about you

Guiding_Light

[Jynx]

Hey @Former-Member 

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with suicidal thoughts at the moment. I think it might be good for you to take a break, have some time to yourself and engage in whatever self-care you find to be most effective, and reach out to crisis services if you need. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Guiding_Light  thank you so much for your beautiful post. So edifying to the soul, so full of hope.  I like how you created pictures too, like seeing the depression fog as the cocoon of transformation. I often think the butterfly cycle is nature's greatest analogy  to us. For me, when the waves of SI are intense, it sure hurts, it separates me from the part of me that WANTS to live, it's gone,  like having no sun in the storm. But every time, since my first breakdown 30yrs ago, every time the sun does come back. I'm not sure which one will win at the end of my life, but I sure know which one your post has empowered tonight. Thank you 💙🌿

[Former-Member]

@@Former-Member 

Sometimes, like tonight, I get a wave that everyone's angry with me, even when they say nothing, especially when they say nothing. It's really hard to put up with these powerful echoes from the past in our head. People have the right to choose who they interact with. It hurts when I get passed over. One thing that helps is when I tell myself.

Their choices and actions... are more about THEM than it is about you, or me.

Therefore, their behaviour and  criticism (judgement) is on THEM.  They only reason it hooks the hurting in is because of our faulty programming. 

We need to not listen to those echoes they trigger, echoes that  tell us we don't matter, therefore go self harm or terminate... ...

Well, that's how I wrestle with SI - when it hasnt overtaken me first. When the mind is rested & strong enough to think it through and practice being kind and gentle with self... hard to explain. Hope it makes sense a bit. Take care  🎶🎵💙🌿

[Guiding_Light]

Greetings @Former-Member @Jynx @Former-Member @Owlunar @Wanda @Appleblossom @Sans911 
Thank you all for your support and feedback,

I would also like to share with you and others who come across this post,
An appropriate piece of music from one of the greatest violinists in the world,
who's name is Samvel Yervinyan, performing at the Yanni concert,
this piece is called - "Until the last moment"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZhSJE8M1u0

[Appleblossom]

Thank you @Guiding_Light  for your music gift.

I have looked further and appreciated Yanni

in Prelude and Nostalgia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKVzm0SBYtQ 

 and elsewhere he says that the world gets smaller as the population increases and we need "love" or at least to learn to tolerate.

Thank you for your other wisdoms.

@Former-Member   Thinking of you and hoping you are alright.  You threw yourself into the forum with all your might, and also loving concern. I have also felt that terrible sense of rejection when I have been left out.  Please be kind to you.  Most people are beautiful in one way or another, but sometimes it is not done to accept that kind of compliment.  Hugs Bella.  We are also often the ones who know our shadow sides the best.  Hope you learn to accept your humanity and do not worry about unhelpful notions of beauty.  They really do not matter. To survive, be alive, and try and give, is beautiful.

Take Care

Apple

[Guiding_Light]

@Appleblossom
You have good taste, Yanni is a sublime concert with many talented musicians,
and Samvel is just a living master.
The duduk is a beautiful ancient instrument too.
There's so much talent and gifted people just waiting to be discovered,
I've recently just found a new group I love called "Light in Babylon" (well worth a listen)

I love this deep and real music that is more than just a planned song of notes and shallow words, it's the most pure and powerful because it's from the heart, it speaks on a much deeper level, it's a language we can all understand regardless of the verbal language that we grew up with.

All that is required is for us to listen.

You are also in my thoughts @Former-Member  I hope everything is ok with you.

[Anastasia]

I recall referring this thread to a member however Inever thought I would need to visit it for myself to try to understand.  I can't take it in at present I am in a spiral of bad to worse but thank you @Guiding_Light I will return and read prpperly so that perhgaps I can help, understand or just accept...not sure, time will tell   

[Guiding_Light]

Hello, @Anastasia 
Thanks for your post,
I had written this and contributed to these forums in the thick of all the chaos of 2020 so I haven't got round to simplifying the posts or making them more clear and simple for people to understand as best they could if I was to re-write it.
I am however currently in the editing phase of making the clear and simple version and solution to suicide which will be revealed to the world in my book.
I can give you a somewhat more simplified version of the longer post to say what may be most helpful and important for you at this time by going straight to the point.
So here goes.
Essentially overcoming suicidal thoughts and feelings is all about getting in touch with the identity construct character of "me" that is saying and thinking that way in the first place, to recognise that, YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. When a thought that is depressive, suicidal or in despair arises in the mind, it's always about a story, like "oh because X Y Z is happening" that "things are this way" to try and justify all the reasons why you should feel bad, but they are only thoughts and beliefs, they are only opinions, they only become real by you agreeing that they are true for you and buying into them as true.
You can simply ask the voice and thoughts "who does this thought belong to?" the answer will either be complete silence or the identity construct will reveal itself to say "me". If you can see this "me" then who are you looking at it from the distance? Clearly it is not you.
This process is part of self inquiry meditation.

Identity constructs are not who we truly are, these are also known as ""personalities" or "personas" "little me's" with a story of "how things are" and also how that sense of "me" defines themselves and their reality to be which may have nothing to do with the truth.
In the most simple terms to overcome suicide is simply about letting go of the dramatic story of the personality construct, to recognise that it's not really you, that it was formulated and picked up along the way, this isn't about believing it's not you and it's not about denial, it's about KNOWING it's not by your own direct experience of observation and witness to your own mind.
Being present with the here and now is part of this awareness because how can anyone possibly feel afraid, anxious or depressed about the here and now, this presence, the presence is uncorrupted.
If one is fully present then there is no past and no future which also means there is no story or definition of "how things are" or "how the world is" thus then, the story of "me" the suicidal character identity construct also can't exist because they require a past story to be carried around like a big sack of potatoes containing all sorts of beliefs and definitions about ourselves and our reality, they are simply noise, speechbubbles and oppinions.
Look around you, right now, there isn't anything particularly wrong with your space, a bunch of objects, form, the meaning that we give it determines the effect we get out of it.
This is important to recognise because how you define yourself, your reality, your world and what you say is true for you and who you define yourself to be is what creates your reality reflection and parralel earth that you will experience.
This is hinted at by sayings such as "as you sow, so shall you reap"
Don't let others dictate and determine what is true for you and your reality, not your TV, not your social media, not your teachers nor institutions, not your psychs, not your parents and not your government, they are all wrong, because you are the creator, commander and number 1 authority on you and your reality and what you say is true for you is how it will be.
So "be the change you want to see in the world" - (Ghandi.) - as best you can.

I live this reality,
and I will do my part in freeing humanity towards it's highest natural potential.

Namaskaram,
Guiding_Light

[Anastasia]

Thank you @Guiding_Light for your time to write back to me 🙏