Lived Experience Forum

[Bill]

I sit here, well to be honest lay here because it the stupid hour of 12:21 and I'm in bed as any sane individual would be, and question what the devil I'm going to do. I was wondering of there was those of you who have had similar thoughts as those which are along the lines of what I am about to type. I fear over the past few years I have suffered bouts of depression, anxiety and mania however it is only during 2014 that I was able to name the demon which has been shadowing me at every turn. Recognising what it was and continues be troubling me I have read all that I can on the subjects and talked to several councillors but it is here that I find myself at a dead end. Whenever I read advice or direct responses to relevant questions, even forums such as these I cannot help but interpret the words as nothing but empty shells, said because that is what one says on topics such as these. Nothing I have found or have been told by counsilers has made past my "of course you would say that, you have to" filter. Nothing gets through because ultimately I continue to see the same responses again and again, an endless cycle of the same comforting mantras spouted out in an effort to breakthrough but nothing is.

So I put it out there, what in the blazes can be done?
Please help

[Rick]

@Bill 

Hi Bill, my name is Rick. 

It's smart to access a forum such as this because there is a wide experience here and enormous support and a several lifetimes of practical knowledge of illness itself and coping mechnisms. Whether you have heard it before or not, It does take a certain amount of gumption to "expose" oneself.

I guess, I'd like to know, what it is you are asking for?  

you have set something of a challenge. But without useable parametres. 

You obviously are a thinker and you come acrosss as well educated. 

The symptoms you mention are typical in a wide range of illnesses and disorders.

Though we all support one another and often share resources and information this is done openly and without dissemblance. 

So welcome to the forum. If you post you will get a reply or comment of support pretty quickly and we care in a real way for our own. So feel free to talk and share or just read the posts of others and engage only when you wish to.

Take care 

Rick

[Alessandra1992]

Join a lived experience group run by peers such as Grow. It's worked for me because other peers really have lived through this and gave me the skills to live through the crappy tines that ebb and flow through our lives. Having someone offer me some practical task that I could achieve each week was a life saver for me..
And finding out that my lived experience was valued, and that I could help someone else was amazing.
Mutual help and equality was so healing.
Welcome @Bill..have a search through our forums and see if you find the voice of truth..that we are not just saying things because we would say that, but that we are genuinely interested and curious in each other's journeys..

[peace]

Hi Bill I know what you mean by the almost cliche response's. In my experience when I hear these things I at lest acknowledge that even though they (whom ever) say something that feels forced they are at lest trying to reach out to help me at lest. I guess it is not always easy to know what to say or how to respond.
I also know from personal experience that when I am feeling angry or disconnected I can be cynical and at times nothing gets in. I guess we sometimes just gotta say well at lest they are trying, they must care a little at lest.

[kristin]

Dear @Bill 

Welcome to the forums! Thanks for having the courage to join in the conversation.

What you are describing - "bouts of depression, anxiety and mania" - accompanied by things like insomnia is common ground for many of us here (whatever our actual diagnosis). So you are, I think, in good company. I am sorry to hear you are struggling with these things. Personally I am struggling at the moment too, but more of that elsewhere.

I wanted to ask you - if/when you feel comfortable to tell us - can you name the demon here? It is rather hard to offer much help or suggest anything without understanding what you are grappling with. If you don't feel ok telling us that is fine. We will still support you as best we can. To be honest recognising the demon (in my experience) can be a huge turning point - but it can be very destabilising and debilitating for some time before you find the help you need to empower you on your healing journey. Persist please, it is painful but growth and wellness are possible.

If I had to take a stab in the dark what it is that prompts your "of course you would say that, you have to" reaction to counsellors - is it some variation of "it's not your fault"? If so I suggest this is a very common reaction (not being able to hear or believe this). You are clearly really struggling with this denial, that can be a very painful place especially when the help you are seeking is not connecting in a way that you can experience as helpful. What I can offer in a general sense is a suggestion-

please try to be kind and compassionate to yourself in this, as you would to a good friend who is going through a terribly hard time through no fault of their own.

We care -so please keep in touch, and as Rick suggested feel free to range through the forum and read something of our journeys, hopefully it will help you feel less alone and more understood and accepted. Sometimes these apparently small things can help a lot in easing how we feel.

Hope for healing endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin