Lived Experience Forum

[Tight-Control]

Hi all,

i though i might open up a conversation on learning to trust yourself then also trusting others .looking for feedback tips and experiences.

I found post diagnosis that , i would question thoughts and feelings . I was trying to figure out if they were mine or came form my illness. this used to cause me all types of stress and second guessing.

Major issues arose around big purchases, should i buy a house , should i but a big shed or a car sell my X-Box . Even spending money on DVD's or other things . Sometimes i made very poor descions with very negative consequences , these i blamed on my illness.

in the end and only recently i have learnd ( and it was a learnd thng ) that all the deicsions were mine and i neede to own them. Poeple when well make good and bad judgements and I shuld not beat myslef up over the bad ones but learn form them if i could . Figure out ways to stop impluse spending or selling.

i have come to some terms with the above issues and was wondering of others had had simular experiences and what they have done to help.

[Appleblossom]

Great post @Tight-Control

The journey to healing is different for us all ... some sense of owning our feelings, sense of self and decisions is important. Trusting ourself is so important ... because we negotiate the world and have interactions with others through a sense of felt experience which is a weird conglomerate of memories and beliefs .. a self.

My journey looks a little different in that I have generally made reasonable and functional financial and work decisions ...  been very boring, frugal and rational about it ... (No spending sprees until recently - so at least I know what one feels like now - yippee) ... I was confronted by diagnosis words fairly early on in life ... but had such a sense of being invisible and a non-person that I did not know how to talk about myself or say  "I ...."  beyond the barest of necessities.

I also have a "coping" mechanism that is an optimistic personality which possibly seems a little unrealistic about taking on the challenges that life has thrown at me.  It was at such an unconscious level ... I didnt realise that it didnt add up with my life story and that my pain or difficultues were more obvious than I realised ... I was used to handling difficult situations well considering ... and somehow that gave me a coping sense.

I have had to learn that it is a persona I adopted for good reasons because of childhood issues. To grow and develop better interpersonal skills I needed to connect it or anchor it with my not so positive experiences and feelings.  I thought I was being authentic and honest about my pain and anger but somehow it is bringing them all together that is important and difficult. The pain, anger and the traits I have which enabled me to survive.

I am learning to trust my self .. in that I am keeping hold of the things that did work .. and the things that didnt work out were outside of my control ... eg .. what others did or did not do. I cannot think of marriage as a mistake it is too complex with too many decisions by both parties and then add in children ... there were good things about it or it would not have happened at all.

I am beginning to trust others as I am having many good social experiences which are mutually pleasurable ... they are not great personal relationships or friendship circles yet but still satisfying ... ie the people I see on a day to day basis ...

I am getting over many of my fears and blocks .. my awkwardness and stiffness are dissolving. Though I was still clutching my hands together when I was at the hairdresser today .. learning to chat from my reality without dropping the "emotional bombs" that are a part of my life but no longer consuming me ... No point burdening a young girl a third of my age. Yet my major emotional experiences needed to be dealt with first or I would feel the sifting through and holding what is not right to say ... a big pressure

Partly it is spending enough time in one place to actually get to know people slowly ... over time ... its not just people skills its getting to know the individual. 

Not that I had ever met the young hairdresser before but I have enough social contact now to be able to exercise reasonable control ... if that makes sense???

Btw ... its huge for me to go to the hairdressers ... I have only been a few times in last 15 years .. just do it myself.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Tight-Control,

Apologies, I'm a bit late to the conversation here. How are things going since you last posted?

I think there are many levles along a continuum of learning how to trust yourself. On one level, it can be helpful to question yourself, because if you didn't then there's no room for self-reflection, limiting growth. On the other hand, it can lead to self-doubt, and and as you mentioned, distrust of yourself.

Perhaps when confonted with decisions, weigh up the consequences of your actions, and ask yourself, what consequences could you live with. For instance, if you are weighing up selling your car, the consequences of choosing to sell it could be that you would need to buy another one, and it takes time sell. If you decided to keep the car, then you might need to pay for repairs as it's getting old - which of these would you prefer?

Hopefully, weighing up the consequences of your decisions beforehand can minimise negative impacts in your life. 

Hope this helps.

CherryBomb