Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Losing the battle

Today I went and saw my physiologist for my fourth meeting about life and all the stuff. He started of with how have you been since your last appointment and I told him I've had a tough week and felt very low. He was like is that because of the family issues we have talked about last week and I was honest and said yes they are.

He then started talking about how a lot of my issues stem of my childhood and that to fix the issues fully we need delve into it. He then proceeded to say but I'm not coping with it well and it will be to stressful for and him self to discus it as I get to low. He then is like you need your medication and it might work. And for the rest of the session he's like let's talk more light stuff that's upsetting you.

I left that appointment feeling that there is zero chance for me to get well. I'm so messed up even a top of the line doctor is to scared to get me talking. I have literally tried everything but nothing is helping. All I'm seeing is a sign that I don't belong on earth. I'm a mess up that nothing can fix. It's all over for me. I can ever live out a painful horrible lifestyle, drug my self stupid, or get it over and done with. I feel so broken down and done with. I just don't know what other options I have and I'm very tiered of holding on going no something has to change and all that changes is I feel more alone.

I'm literally just sitting here shaking and trying to calm myself down. I can't take any more drugs as I will make my self violently ill. I'm getting zero relief from self harming and I just feel like a burden to everyone.

[Acacia]

Hi Loulathecat

It's good to see you back on the Forums but I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling at the moment.

There are people here on the Forums that care about you and from what I've read of your posts, a husband that loves you very very much so please don't feel like you don't belong or are a mess up.

If things are feeling too much, please give one of the below helplines a call. They're there to help you and you don't have to go through this alone.

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

Samaritans: 135 247

Are you safe now Loulathecat? If you don't feel like you can keep yourself safe, it's important to call emergency on 000.

Please take care and let us know how you're going.

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member

I'm sorry to read you're not doing so good.

To me it sounds like today was a real setback - but I don't see that you've lost the battle.

It sounds like your psychologist wants to properly prepare you for 'the battle' and thinks you need your medication to help you (like getting your armor on before battle... maybe I'm taking your battle analogy too far!). Rather than send you in unprepared.

There's so much new research and work done around trauma informed care , so I see a lot of hope for people who have been through trauma at a young age.

As @acacia has said, it's important to reach out to one of the crisis services if you feel things escalate.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Former-Member,

Sounds good to me that you were honest with your psych. It does seem like your diagnosis and talking about old family memories is contributing in a fairly big way to your low feelings. Your psych sounds like he was just taking care of you in not pushing that too much at the moment. I guess you are going to have different people saying it might be worth trying the medication. It's one of the things that can provide relief when we are in really dark places. I do understand how much you want to avoid medication though. I respect that you are trying to find a way out of your pain in some other way.

Many of us here on the forum have been in desperately deep dark places at times in our lives and know that it is possible to come out of the extremes of that, even if we're never in the perfect place. Don't give up. Maybe life's not about winning or losing a battle anyway. There are ways for you to come out of this but it may need a bit of patience too and a bit of 'riding out the storm'. I don't know the answers. I only know how it's been for me in the past.

I'm sorry you are so upset you are shaking. I hope that writing here and reading some responses helps with that feeling.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Former-Member

I actually have anger about being told to take more meds so that I can get along too ... I have been on varying doses ... sometimes minimal doses of antidepressants for about 13 years.  my aim is still to get off them entirely but I m getting less harsh on my self about taking them to get through bad humps.

Sometimes the talking cure is better spread out over time ... not just getting to the bottom of it in 6 months.

It doesnt mean you will never improve .. the doctor might have just been easing into things and setting an expectation that its ok to talk about both light and heavy things ... that you can set the pace at which you unpack things with him.

I am more accepting of being on medication now as it has helped me to get to the bottom of a lot of issues.

[Former-Member]

Thanks for the kind words. I'm still feeling really shaken up and just generally violently ill and like I'm in the bottom of the ocean. Rough night. My husband got word I wasn't doing well and rushed to my side.

I some how managed to work today. I'm just trying to keep myself non stop going because as soon as I stop the emptiness hits me like a bus. I'm purely beyond tiered but to scared to stop.

[Shimmer]

Hi @Former-Member,

I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing today?

I was really sorry to read about how low you are feeling at the moment. It sounds like there is a lot going on for you and I imagine it would be really hard not knowing if it is possible to get past it all.

Sometimes psychologists aim to help you cope when things are really bad (using either medication, counselling, or both) before opening up deeper things that might be too overwhelming when you are already down. To me it sounds like that might be the case with your psychologist. I would encourage you to tell him how your last appointment left you feeling, and perhaps ask him to clarify his treatment approach so that you're both on the same page and you feel more hopeful.

I'm glad the supportive replies helped and that your husband rushed in to be there for you 🙂 I'm amazed you were able to get to work too!

How have the last couple of days been?

Take care,

Shimmer

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shimmer, thanks for checking in.

The last couple of days have been a roller coaster. I feel dead inside with tons of energy and that I can take on the world and all these crazy goals and then I get hours of just quietness. Not as bad as I was on Friday though which is good. I'm slightly breathing and can see things a bit clearer.

I still can't figure out how I'm working with this going on, living on one meal a day and less then 4 hours broken sleep a night. I'm at the point though at work when I get violently ill and start getting dizzy and have to sit before j faint. But I don't want to stop because I don't want to think and feel. But I'm going to see the doctor this week and see why my body is messed up.

[katiebella]

Hi @Former-Member, I totally relate to your feelings. It feels like sometimes we are constantly fighting a losing battle. I'm feeling very much like that at the moment and get thoughts of just ending it all because I'll never fit into this world and I'm a burden to my loved ones.

Then I think about those times I felt like that in the past and then the great times that followed and how much I would have missed if I'd given up then. It tends to keep me going, knowing that the storms will always come at different times but they are temporary and when they clear there's a beautiful rainbow to be enjoyed, even if it too is temporary, it always still feels worth it.

[Shimmer]

Hi @Former-Member,

Wow that does sound like such a rollercoaster! I’m glad you are feeling a bit better than Friday, and that you are breathing and seeing things a bit more clearly  I hope things continue in that direction, keep us updated.

It sounds like what you’re going through at the moment is really taking it’s toll on your body, so I agree that going to see your doctor is a really good idea. Do you also chat to your doctor about your mental health?

You seem to be running yourself into the ground not wanting to think and feel at the moment, it sounds so hard. I’m curious, are there any times when experiencing your thoughts and feelings seems less scary? If so, what are they like?

Keep looking after yourself,

Shimmer