Lived Experience Forum

[Alec_29]

Hi everyone I have been seeing a psychologist since early 2016 but I dont think im getting anything out of it. At the begining of last year I started seeing the councillor at my school for symptoms of depression and chronic stress at first I was slightly uncomfortbale but I got over that in the first 1-2 sessions and now I enjoy going sure I still get uncomfortbale when discussing my issues especially when talking about my self esteem and low self worth but I still enjoy going and I get on well with her. Anyway after my first few sessions she suggested that i go see my GP to get a mental health care plan which I did after she diagnosed me with depression and then my mum found a psychologist close to our home and I started seeing my first psychologist, she was ok she was nice but once again I felt uncomfortbale but i got more used to her but she didnt think I was depressed probably because I am quite reserved and reluctant to talk about my negative emotions in a serious way. With her I was working on understnading my emotions beacuse all things im feeling tend to be expressed as anger and when around other people if Im sad it just becomes anger and I lash out but if im alone it just turns into very negative view of my self and life and I just cry and feel like everyone would be better off without me etc. While seeing the psychologist (I saw her once every 1-1 1/2 months) I continued seeing the councillor at school (i much prefer her to the psychologist I just get on better with her and we just seem to connect better) and I told her an issue that had been on my mind a lot and was causing a great deal of stress and worry and that was I thought I might of been transgender. After a few (3-4) sessions with my psychologist I switched to a new psychologist who specialised in Gender Identity Disorder, she luckly worked in the same practice as my original one did after about 3 sessions she diagnosed me with Gender Identity Disorder. We also talk about my self esteem and negative attitiude on everything I just dont think I connect with her I kind of feel awkward seeing her and during sessions i feel kind of "off" and uncomfortable and I once again dont think the therapy is helping me I still feel just as bad as I did before actually I think Im getting worse Iv now developed anxiety and Im having anxiety attacks about everything Im scared to get in a car im scared of being on the train I cant sleep beacuse im scared something bad will happen when I sleep im specifically terrified of spiders and i feel like they are all over me and are out to get me and that they are going to bite me while im asleep and ill die and the transgender thing is really having a negative effect on my lefe im just so worried and stressed about it and it just makes everything much harder. I like talking to my school councillor, I even prefer talking to my GP but shes going on maternity leave in a month, I really dont like seeing my psychologist (and I didnt really like seeing my old one either) I dont know why It just feels "off" but It will be real hard to switch psychologists beacuse the one I currently see is the only one who specialises in Gender issues that isnt in the city and real expensive shes the only one in my area and I really dont want to be more of a burdern on my family than I already am by making them drive me to the city. I feel like I have too many issues to deal with and I dont know where to start and I have to go see my psychologist on the 23rd of Jan and I really dont want to I just feel uncomfortable and strange. Sorry its so long I just need to vent, any advice, suggestions or opinions are welcome

[Lunar]

Hello @Alec_29,

You must be exhausted to be constantly worried and anxious all the time about so many different things, has anything else stressful happened of late that could also be triggering this?

If you like seeing your school counsellor then definitely continue getting support from them, but also as you are seeing your new psychologist who specialises in Gender Identity Disorder it might be really helpful to bring up in the session how you feel uncomfortable and really go through why that is?

You mentioned that seeing this specialiest has lots of pros (being cheaper, closer to home, etc) but the biggest con is that you are currently feeling more anxious and stressed. Is that because you are working on some things in your sessions that you have not gone over before? It's normal to not feel very good when bringing up things in sessions that are raw and undiscussed, you just need to really take care of yourself through this time.

What things do you do in your time alone to help you feel more calm and back into your body?

Lunar 🙂

[Alec_29]

@Lunar There is nothing in particular that I can think of that would be triggering just life in general is stressful and Iv always had issues with overthinking and low self esteem etc.

Im honeslty not sure why I feel uncomfortable with her I just really dont like it and I cant speak up about it because I feel awkward and bad.

One of the biggest things is that I feel uncomfortable with her but I dont feel like Im getting much out of it in fact over that last year I have gotten worse with the depressed phases they are more common and intense and the anxiety has never been such a big issue but now its real bad and is interfearing with my daily life. We have spoken more about the gender stuff and not much about the self esteem which is one of my biggest issues also we havnt touched on the depression as she doesnt think that I do have depression my GP said she feels as if im making progress but I dont feel this way at all I kind of find therapy with her useless. I only see her once a 1-2 months and I dont think this is enough to help me and so I am able to build a good relationship with her especially seeing as I already dont connect or feel comfortable with her but Im on a mental health care plan so I get 10 free sessions a year so I see her once every month or less. I much prefer talking to the school councillor I feel more comfortable around her obviously depending on what were talking about I still feel uncomfortbale but Its not all the time and I still enjoy going but with the pscyhologist its a diferent story.

In terms of what I do in my own time for myself the answer is pretty much nothing. I try and go to the gym 3 times a week but I dont like it I only do it beacuse Im fat and unfit but Im not seeing any results. I dont have any hobbies I find something i think i might like but I cant be bothered trying to do it or it cost money or its time consuming etc. I usesd to enjoy reading and drawing but I cant be bothered doing that anymore It seems more like a chore. I usually spend all my time in my room being paranoid about the spiders, avoiding my family and just browsing the internet, watching youtube etc. I rarely go out as I dont have any money or anywhere to go or anyone to go with I have 1 friend who doesnt like going out she prefers to stay home and study.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Alec_29,

Part of therapy involves having a good working relationships - a relationship that helps you work through issues. Sometimes this can involve working through discomfort with your therapist, on the hand it can also involve addressing your needs, and moving on. Its hard to know what is what though. As @Lunar, mentioned sometimes therapy can lead to discomfort as it can bring up stuff, which the therapy over time will help you address. But having a good relationship, where you feel you can trust your therapist is also very imporant.

@Former-Member just wrote recently about addressing some distressing stuff, and trusting her therapist's guidance here. Also @utopia,. in that same discussion, wrote a little bit about how they didn't really like therapy, but in the end it was helpful. I wonder if either of them have something to add here. @utopia and @Former-Member, did you feel like you didn't like therapy or your therapist? How did you work through it?

@Alec_29, may I ask, what is important for you in a relationship with a therapist? 

[utopia]

@CherryBomb. Thanks for tagging me into this post. I'm really glad you did.
@Alec_29. What a great post you have written. And thank you for trusting this forum by being so open. I think that shows a lot if bravery and strength.
Psychologists or any therapists you may end up seeing - can be so helpful to your growth and recovery. But they must be right for YOU.
I've had a few different therapists in my 40 plus years. Some have been lovely. The type of person I coukd connect to and have a friendship with. But not suitable for my therapist.
Others ibhave not clicked with at all. And some I swear, are incompetent and have no idea what they are doing.
It's like trying to find a good doctor or hairdresser or butcher. The fit must be right for you.
When you say you feel 'off' - I'd take that as your gut instinct talking. Always listen to it. You may not know why you feel off - but you do.
Spend some time and find another psychologist. Like dating - you can kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince / princess.
Your school counselor - what is it you like about talking to her? Is it that you can open up and tell her anything? Or is it because she doesn't challenge you? The reason I'm asking - is it's important to sort out if this counselor is like a confidante (which is ok) or friend? Or is she helpful in your therapy/growth?
Keep seeing her if you are comfortable - but don't just rely on her for your mental wellbeing.

[CherryBomb]

What an insightful response. Thanks @utopia!

[utopia]

Part 2 @Alec_29. Sorry, I'm writing yoy an essay.
Gender Identity. I have a family member who was raised one sex and is now the opposite sex. He described to me the intense emotional roller coaster of growing up when you knew you were not born in the right body. And it's bloody hard. Things still aren't 109% with him. But he is alot happier. Has a very supportive family and a partner and a life he loves.
It sounds to me like you would ratger work on your anger depression and anxiety - than purely focus on your gender. Is that right?
Then why not go to a psychologist that can help with that. Who has a good track record with depression and anxiety. Maybe someone who has been recommended by another who has depression.
Once you start doing the hard work - yes it is hard (but worth it) with your MI & moods - if you then feel like you would like to sort out some issues regarding your gender identity - maybe this osychokogist may be able to help.Or you could contact the LGBT (I kknow I'm missing a letter or two here) group in your caputal city. They would be able to offer lots of advice and support to yiu.
Therapy is not a quick fix, unfortunately. It needs you to be as open and honest as you can be. Some people naturally find it hard to speak openly about their feelings or certain traumas or issues. And that's okay. We are all uniquely different.
If you find this hard - how about writing a list - even just point form - stating how you feel and what you would like to work on. You could even write that you are not ovetly comfortable talking sometimes.
So it ciuld be.
* I'm shy
* I fjnd it hard to open up about feelings.
I'm gender identity disorder - but I'd prefer to focus on the following issues - to start with
- depression
- anxiety
- anger.
Therapy can be hard - because we have to look at ourselves & our past & oyr actions.
We have to be willing to do the work.
You will cry. Scream. Curse your therapist or family or community or yoursel at times.
But it REALLY is worth it.
I was hospitalised last year due to my depression and suicidal thoughts. My anxiety was all over the place.
If you saw me now - you wouldn't know. My life has taken a huge change for the better. I'm not only in control - but im happy & I'm content.
I truly wish you all the very best.
If you choose not to see your current psyvhologist - please look for someone else. Don't give up on getting better.
Because you really can feel better.

[utopia]

@Alec_29. And the psychologist I've been seeing for the past year - he would never be a friend of mine. Major personality clashes there. But I do trust him with my therapy and healing. And I trust that he knows his stuff. He has proved that over and over.
He often rubs me up the wrong way - because he can ask some very tough questions. But he is always right. And has my mental health recovery as his ultimate goal.
Good luck.

[Alec_29]

@utopia Im not really sure what I like about my school counselor but I feel more at ease and more of an equal with her & not like im being judged, I connect and can relate and feel comfortable with her, I trust her I feel as if she would take my concerns seriously. Originally I think she was more of a confidante and I felt like I could open up to her more than my psychologist and family about my problems but its now starting to move into the her helping me work through my thoughts and issues and she is begining to challenge me especially regarding the way I feel about my self and my self esteem, in fact I believe she is going to be woring with the teachers as well as me surrounding my self esteem. I would say that I also have trouble trusting people in general especially people older than me or people in places of authority so having 10 sessions a year with a psychologist I dont really like doesnt seem to be allowing me that time to gain trust or feel comfortbale to open up to her, wheras the school counselor is free and much more accesable and shes at school all day so if I need an appoitment I can get one within the week and if its serious I can drop in to her office. 

I had my appoitment with my psychologist today and I explained my concerns about the spiders and the anxiety but I think she subtly dismissed the issue she just suggested bug bombing my room and putting a door stop under the door to stop them getting in which was fine but then she just completely ignored the fact that my anxiety is through the roof and that Im having panic attacks and cant go to sleep beofre 3 am and schools starting in a week and I cant go to bed that late. once again feel as if nothing is happening I just go talk to her for an hour and thats it I dont feel as if its helping. 

Yes I would much rather work on my depression, self esteem and anxiety. I feel as if the issues are more pressing and have more of an effect on my life they have been having a negative effect on my life since primary school so much so that I have become used to feeling like this and the idea of being happy and positive seems fake and makes me feel uncomfortbale as if feeling happy isnt normal.

@CherryBomb Again im not really sure what I look for in a therapist as I havnt had many and the ones I have had were useless or I havnt liked them (except my currrent school counselor) I definatly think that I would have to feel as if im making progress as im very result orientated, I think someone slightly younger would be better. I want to feel like a normal person when Im talking to them I dont want to feel inferior or like im being judged, I also need to be able to establise a good relationship with them and feel as comfortbale as I generally have issue discussing my negative feelings in a serious manner Im more of fan of self depricating hummor and bringing myself down before others do. I dont feel like I can talk to my current psychologist or bring up concernes and I just feel tense through the session.

[utopia]

@Alec_29. Good to hear back from you. I like how your school counselor has a plan to incorporate the teachers in helping with your self esteem. That's a grwat start and will hopefully help you at school.
Let me know if I've read this and got this wrong - but from how I've read your response - I'd say a problem with your psychologist and you connecting and working together - has a lot to do with her not letting you know what her plan is for your mental health recovery. Could that be right?
You strike me as needing to know the plan - so that you know where you are up to and what needs to be done next.
You sound like you need to be proactive & have tasks set - that you can work on. Rather than just going in and talking.
Would that be right?
Psychologists and other therapists generally need more than an hour to assess someone's mental health and draw up a plan. And the first few sessions will mainly be you talking about your life - past and present and particular incidents.
Monthly appointments may not be enough foryou iinitially. Weekly or fortnightly to start wiyh may be better - so the assessment work can be iver quicker & the therapy and new coping techniques can then begin.
Be proactive. Tell your psychologist what you want. Structure - a plan.
Why not ask what books or dvd's she could recommend for you - regarding relaxation & mindfulness and cognitive behavior therapy - or anything else.
Don't give up pushing for the best treatment possible for you. This is hard. But get your mum to be your advocate.
Do you live in a major city? Or a small town? Cities have more services available - even groups that you can join - where you can support each other while working through your issues.