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Powderfinger
Senior Contributor

The absolute horror that my life currently is.

@Anastasia @Zoe7 

 

I think this is the only thing that is going to really save me and barely. Writing. I don't know what to say anymore. I am blocking my thoughts and feelings because I cant deal with them. I want to scream at her and say can you not just be a little bit more sensitive and shut your door while you are packing more and taping up your boxes! When I think of saying that to her, my immediate afterthought is no point, she will not care anyway. There will be no sorry nor recognition of what I am feeling. Then the very next thing that will happen is I get a flashback of a beautiful memory of us together, I see it playing out in front of me like a home movie. After all that happening in less than two minutes, I just want to scream. I want it to stop. I want my pain to go away. There is nowehere and no one for me to turn to and I have to keep going when I feel like this. That is very literally how it is for me. 

Going through the formalities via text today, not talking as usual. Signing over the lease, the bond variation form, sorting out things we bought together, placing an ad for a new housemate, all while I am feeling like absolute sh....t.

She came to me this morning and said to me there is a bird outside that cant fly... I just went hmmmm and said nothing. Usually I would be the first to help an animal if it was not doing too good. I sat where I sat and did not move. Afetr she said that I started to cry, I could not hold my tears back. In my head I said to msyelf, well there is a bird in her that cant fly either. I wish I could leave for two weeks while she sorts herself out and moves out. I do not want to feel like this every single day. It is making things worse and harder for me. 

Yet, it's like a nightmare that you cannot wake up from and escape. I cannot leave. I have to show people through the house, interview people as potential housemates, and be here, when I really do not want to be. I am struggling to get my head and heart around someone you were sharing your life with being like this towards someone they apparently loved. The words ring through my head often. I cannot imagine my life without you, these arms were made for you to be held in them, the hours and hours we spoke for about going travelling overseas together, buying a house together, the life we shared. 

Hey, I know I was being treated like crap. How could I ever forget. I know I do not deserve to be treated like that. I have some self respect for me. BUT and there is a BUT when you spend time with the person you love, creating a life together and there was a time when you truly felt loved by them, the memories you have of your time together, the way you met and so on, well yeah it hurts badly. It would have been easier to let go if I was abused and not loved the whole time, but it wasn't the case. I am struggling to eat. My tummy grumbles at me but the thought of food and trying to eat is just not something I am interested in. I am struggling to get up and move, do things. I just plonk on the couch and either stare into space or cry.  

 

The thing is people do not want to hear much about pain at all. People cannot seem to manage someone crying or talking about their pain. So, I shut down even further because I cannot be full of beans and happy. Firstly I would be lying and second I could not keep that up for long. Its just wearing a mask. I think to myself I thoughts our bind was strong, I thought our love would be strong enough to see us through hard times, I thought my love would be strong enough for you to stay, to work things out, to do better. All I am seeing now is the fact that she cannot wait to leave and start her new life on her own. I say nothing. It is hard enough imaginging our lives even further apart now. Its a small town. Will probably bump into her one day, but I will hope to be not having that happen often. It will just be too hard. I will not be texting her or calling her when has left. Anything that needed to be spoken about has been. Outstanding debts which are not a great amount. They have been sorted how they will be paid without us even having to speak. So, really there is no reason for contact. It is me that has to break the ties I have left to her. Breaking the love I feel is the hardest tie to break. I know that for me it would be unhealthy to kepp trying and I know there is not really any point. Grief will do these things. The bargaining for you. This is how i feel if anyone cares to hear my pain. 

140 REPLIES 140

Re: The absolute horror that my life currently is.

Very much hearing your pain @Powderfinger Heart There are no quick or simple answers here. It is not something you can work through or get over right now because it is too raw and too present. Feeling all those things you are right now are very real and very valid. You have lost something truly special to you and having to share the same space with your ex until she moves would be nothing short of torture for you. I could say hold onto those special moments or do things for yourself each day to get through but I also know how you are presently feeling they are just hollow words. Allow yourself this time to grieve, allow yourself to be upset, angry, hurt ...you have every right to be feeling what you are and we will continue to be here for you as you navigate these next few weeks. listen and provide whatever support we can HeartHeartHeart

Re: The absolute horror that my life currently is.

Hi @Powderfinger 

Although my relationship hasn't officially ended, I've been trying to end it. 

Whether it's what is best or my MH talking me into it, I'm not entirely sure. 

It could also be me trying to get in first. Petrified he will tell me it's done, the last straw, can't be fixed or undone.

I haven't spoken to him since Wednesday afternoon - when I screamed I never want to see you again! 

I spent Thursday watching glee with my teenage girls, I didn't want to feel anything and watching a bunch a teenagers (portrayed) singing and dancing and struggles with growing up kept me distracted - until he replied via text. 

He wanted to come and see me and talk face to face, my anxiety peaked. He is the love of my life. I met him while just 17. We hadn't seen each other in maybe 16 years and the first time I laid eyes on him again, oh boy did it all come rushing back. We lived in seperate states for 2 years while seeing each other every 5 weeks. Until on a whim I decided to move states. Transferred my job interstate and moved in for what was supposed to be temporary. 

My MH, whatever is going on inside me, took over full force. While we were in seperate states I could control myself more, but with the intensity of our feelings, situations we found ourselves in,  my MH has become something that is taking over and is ruining what we had. 

He is not well, has many issues he should be dealing with himself, but mine seem to take over, to overwhelming proportions. 

I am terrified to let go. I am terrified to keep trying. 

He has no idea how to deal with my emotions and outbursts, nor do I. Most times I have no idea what to say to him, what I'm feeling or describe what's happening. It makes it frustrating for us both. 

I'm still anxiously hiding away from him, not making the first move - I don't know what to say or do. I feel so much shame for the way I behave and talking about it with him,the way he tells me what he sees and hears makes it so much harder to come to terms with. 

I can only hope you find the peace and calm you need to heal your heart and I can empathise with your situation, even if it's not entirely the same. 💙

 

Re: The absolute horror that my life currently is.

I care, I hear you @Powderfinger , I'm sorry ☹️🤗❣️

Re: The absolute horror that my life currently is.

@Anastasia @Zoe7 

 

Al I can say to you both right now is just a BIG THANK YOU. When I am well again, there is actually more than that I would like to say. Thank you for listening to me and hearing my pain have actually asked her to move out earlier. I did not know she had already paid the bond and two weeks rent for her new place. Of course, why would I? 

 

So, I have aksed her to leave next week as she paid a weeks rent. I told her it was just too hard to have her here. That will give me a week to be by myself before a new housemate moves in. She has agreed to it. So, next Thursday is the day. I think it will be wise for me to just organise to go out for the entire day and come back in the evening. I have been through enough. Maybe even treat myself to a night in a hotel if I can afford it. There is no reason for me to be here and she can just leave her keys on the counter. Whatever way, it is going to hurt. Id rather hurt elsewhere than hurt in front of her and just have her walk out the door and say nothing. I have been damaged enough. 

Re: The absolute horror that my life currently is.

I am really pleased it is not going to drag out longer than it needs for you and I think that is a very wise suggestion @Powderfinger Spoil yourself in a hotel for the day/evening and avoid all the pain of her leaving then have that week to yourself to make your home - your home. Smiley Very Happy

 

You now have 5 days to get through the best way you can - it certainly is not going to get any easier so plenty of self-care, keeping yourself distracted, and of course feeling all the emotions you will be feeling. It is just as important to feel what you are as it is to try to push through. ...and we will be here for you along the way Heart

 

 

Re: The absolute horror that my life currently is.

@26aqua 

 

It sounds to me like you are dealing with so much right now and a very heavy weight. I do hope you are able to work through this all with a satisfactory outcome. Thank you for hsaring with me. Perhaps if you need more support, you can also do an individual post similar to this one on Sane and get more support for you. I wish you all the very best of everything. 

Re: The absolute horror that my life currently is.

Sorry for the long comment on yours, I got a bit carried away and didn't mean to go to that length. Just saw how much I wrote.. feeling a little redfaced and it did make me realise I had a lot to get out.

Re: The absolute horror that my life currently is.

@Zoe7 @Anastasia 

 

I swear I'm being gaslighted here. Earlier today when I spoke to her about leaving on the 21st. She was fine with it. 

 

She also definitely said to me that she has paid two weeks rent and the bond for her new place already. I know she said it because I though to myself it was odd. I thought it was odd because she has been saying she has no money. Nevertheless I accepted it and left it at that. 

 

I had a sleep this afternoon and have had one of my serial migraines today. When I woke up, there was a text from her. It said you asked me to leave on the 21st although I'm paid up until the 27th. I was do groggy from just waking up that I was like ok, whatever. 

 

Now the rent here is $400 per week. She paid $400 on the 14th and I paid $400 on the 14th and zi paid $400 on the 14th. That makes two weeks rent. So we have a week each. BUY she is saying it's $200 per week each. So basically we are having the rent each week. I'm that case she reckons she is paid up till the 27 th. 

 

I'm so weak physically, mentally and emotionally that I just don't have the capacity for much. Why I know I'm being gaslighted. She us debuting she said that she paid bond plus two weeks rent. Making me feel like I'm going insane and like the conversation didn't happen. I'm sitting here running through it in my head, making sure it did happen. 

 

I feel like screaming and crying. I'm.sute this conversation happened. 

Re: The absolute horror that my life currently is.

I'm sure it did too.

Don't question your sanity hun, she's playing mind games with you I'm sure. 

Hugs and hugs and love 💓

@Powderfinger 

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