Lived Experience Forum

[CheerBear]

Hey all. I'm struggling pretty badly and I am feeling very stuck. I guess I am crawling back here, looking for somewhere safe to land (like a nest maybe). I'll try to keep it brief (and I am likely to fail at that). 

Things had been going really well, in a way that I had been juggling heaps but keeping it together. My hours increased at work, I have been supporting family, the kids are all busy and bonkers etc - there's a lot but there always is. It's stressful and at times close to too much, but I do it. 

The turn came about two weeks ago when I found someone close to me (my "friend", Mr Person, intimate partner person - whatever it is) part way through a suicide attempt. I was contacted by his distressed parents to check on him as they had concerns so I went knocking and got no response. I called the police and they took way too long and were unhelpful. I ended up taking him to hospital myself. It was really quite terrifying and genuinely traumatic. For quite a while I thought he was dead and fully expected that's how I would find him, and I wasn't too far off in my thinking when I did find him. On the way he told me I had been busy and distracted lately which went straight to the very ouchiest of ouchy bits of my brain and my heart. The thinking part of me knows it was his choice and I couldn't do anything about it. But the feeling part has gone very wonky. 

Since then my own MH has taken a pretty significant turn. I've had flashbacks, panic attacks, overwhelming anxiety. My chest feels like it is being crushed constantly. It's physically excruciating. I can't sleep despite some pretty mega meds. I am agitated, restless, really down, overwhelmed, exhausted... it goes on. It's like instantly all things PTSD that I had worked so super hard at managing, have come racing back. I feel like if I drop anything, if I let anything go, everything will fall down. I feel like if I am not in control of everything something terrible will happen. I feel like nothing I am doing is good enough and if I can't do it good enough then I am failing and if I am failing what's the point and if there's no point in one thing what's the point in anything. Dark, twisted and scary thoughts are back in full swing, with some added SH thoughts in there this time too which is unusual for me. I feel like I am letting everyone down, like nothing I do will be enough. No-one can see how much it takes to keep it all together and how close I feel to not being able to anymore. It feels, once again, like it's all too hard and too much. 

Of course being this time of the year all my regular supports are on leave (as everyone's are). CATT were called which I was OK with and thankful for as I know some extra support. They're supposed to be there as a safety kind of net while my supports are away but it's not really helping. Instead I feel like I am wasting their time too. I struggle so badly to talk to them, a lot because they don't ask questions that help. They've told me they don't know what to do with me. I am "high functioning" and a perfectionist. It seems like people think it's all OK because I can still do things and on face value I am fine. On top of that, as an unhelpful helping person pointed out today, obviously things are OK as I haven't acted on thoughts so I must be managing them well (major eye roll). I don't know why I was hoping that it could help. 

I'm stuck and hate that I am here once again. It's infuriating that my head scrambles and breaks the way it does. I wish I could just be sad, or tired, or worried. Not this.

I am trying super hard to not feel completely awful that I am here again in this space after so long not here. I feel really bad that I haven't come by before now. 

Thank you for getting this far if you did.

[Emelia8]

I am so sorry @CheerBear 😔💞

@Maggie 🌷

Emelia

[CheerBear]

@Emelia8

Thank you 🙁💚

[Appleflower]

Oh no way, do NOT feel sorry for being here and sharing all your trouble with us. I've only just joined literally one minute ago, but I already know we all need this safe place and we can't all get by on our own when our heads are full. I'm happy to have space for you. There is nothing to feel bad about. 

[Eve7]

I am sorry all this has happened @CheerBear 

It’s good you have support from CATT. Please hold on and stay with us.

Always listening

💜😢💜

[MDT]

Hi @CheerBear

It is nice to see you again but i am sorry its in bad circumstances. I feel your pain. I am struggling too.

Take care of yourself because you are among people who care here.

Nest all you need

[TheVorticon]

Hi @CheerBear.

Sorry to read about all the things you've been through lately and how it's dragged a lot of stuff back up. It really is a lot, and a lot for you to deal with.

The positive, hopeful part of me wants to say that you've handled tough stuff before and as :pile_of_poo: as things are now, you will be able to handle them again with the right help and support and understanding. And the snarky 🦈 part of me says "whatever TheVorticon you jerk, that's not helpful when CheerBear is struggling right now and needs someone to listen without putting smiley faces on piles of ****."

I'm still not good at coming up with words that show that I'm listening. But I understand the difficulty in talking to professional people when you're trying to get support and it's as if something is majorly lost in translation to the point of being unhelpful and maybe increasing hopelessness. It's not getting lost in translation here, even though I don't know what would actually help.

I'm glad to see you (although not in these circumstances obviously) and that you've returned where you might be able to get some support.

[LostAngel]

@CheerBear  remember that you are always welcome here on the forums whenever you need a place to vent and to get support,sorry that your going through so much right now X

[Zoe7]

@CheerBear There is absolutely no shame at all in being back here for support. Life takes many turns, people come and go in our lives and we adapt ...but for now this is where you need to be to gain some of that support you are missing in real life - and that is more than okay.

I can imagine so much of what has happened has hit you both in your heart and your head. Your head is saying none of it was your fault but your heart is breaking with friend's words. That though CB is on him not you. No-one should be felt to feel as if they are even a small part of the cause of someone else's actions - that is very unfair and not at all true. He has free will and control over what he does and that is his alone to acknowledge.

You have gone through a very significant trauma and that would affect anyone even without a previous history of MI so I am not at all surprised you are struggling at the moment. I can say look after yourself first but know that is not easy with so many others in your life to also look after. ....but it is okay that you are feeling as you are - not what you expected but then nobody expects to have had to deal what you have either.

I understand those feelings of needing to be in control otherwise the world will come crashing down but the more we try to control everything, the more likely it is that that crash will happen because no-one can expect to live up to those highter than high expectations. And as you know - pushing things aside, ignoring them and pretending that everything is okay does not work long term ...the crash just becomes more pronounced. So whilst you do not have those supports that can help you work your way through this - lean on everyone here as much as you need.

High functioning and 'seeming' okay does not mean we are - it is so often that underlying grief, pain and trauma that eats us away. You do not need to wear that mask here CB - we see you, we know you and we care for you.

[CheerBear]

Thank you all very much for listening and for getting it. I wish all mental health professionals needed lived experience to work with people. You get it so, so much more than so many of them. You have all helped more than they that should have helped today.

@Appleflower it's great you landed here too and took the step to post. I imagine and expect you'll be seen and heard here.

@TheVorticon you are super helpful, thank you.

You definitely get it too @Zoe7 thank you. Tricky, tough stuff 🙁

Ive done something I haven't done for a very long time and used an helpful but unhelpful strategy. I tried all the delay, distract stuff but it didn't help. I'm safe, totally, and maybe even more safe for having used the helpful but unhelpful strategy as it kind of feels a bit better. I was hoping it would feel like release but I am so numb tonight (or flooded) that I can't actually feel anything. But I feel better in a very dark twisted way that I wouldn't say openly anywhere except where people get it like here. I feel a sense of self-validation that kind of counters the "you're obviously OK and managing fine as you haven't actually acted on thoughts". What a ridiculous thing to say to someone asking for help.

It's all a bit :pile_of_poo: really.