Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

So earlier this year I told my two senior bosses I have Bipolar only due to getting possiened by one type of medication and getting very ill on a holiday mentally and being two weeks late back to work.

They have been as supportive as they can be with zero clue on how to treat someone with bipolar.

Any way I've be fully honest with them and told them I will be trying new medication so I might got to a new world and it might take time to find something to fit.

So basically ay work I feel of my face and can only do one task at a time. Not trying to sound vein I'm good at my job. Good enough they poached me from another company. I've been working so hard for a promotion because I'm easily board doing the same thing.

But noooo my bipolar is messing it up! I spent all week at work not talking to people except customers. I don't have energy to waste and said this could be a side effect of me when I'm upset and just to let me be and ill still do my job fine.

Any way I spent all week in the bathroom crying and just feeling like a pure failure. I'm failing at my marriage. I'm failing at my dreams. I'm just failing.

I saw the doctors and he's like you need a week off to rest to get better.

So work decided to call me to discus cutting back my hours. Whoop Whoop what I'm good at I now suck at and slowly getting kicked out off.

So tonight's medicine. Vodka lots of it!!!

[Former-Member]

Hiya @Former-Member,
Gosh I can relate to what you write. I've just gone through the same thing.
But you're on a new med, you've not been feeling well, this is just temporary. Things will settle down again and you will be back to being totes amazing at your job. Take some time off, get on top of your med changes and get yourself as well as possible and things will go back to normal. 😊

[Former-Member]

I don't like time off. I come from a line of dole bludgers. I grew up eating for the whole day at school 1 piece of fruit and wore boys handy down clothing that was falling apart teachers would have to safety pin it on me!

My working makes me feel like I've made it in life. It completes me. It turns my brain off from feeling ill and I actually feel normal and confident. But the 3rd round of pills in the last 4 months are not working. And I need to work to pay for bills. I can't lose hours and money. My husband has dreams and if I get in the way of that I blame myself and I'm so tired of being the fault

[Former-Member]

Spent the night reading blogs and articles of people's life with bipolar.

From what I gathered a lot like myself where miss diganoused. It's just not Bipolar there always seems to be another mental illness with it. Hello anixiety. Can be very hard to find the right treatment or very easy or impossible.

I'm in the age and time of thinking of starting a family. My biggest fear was being ill around my child and not being a healthy mother. I'm not scared about being perfect because zero Mum is perfect but I'm scared of being under that level of not acceptable. I'm scared I will mentally damage them. Then I read something I didn't even think of. What if I pass the Bipolar gene down to my child!!!!!!!!!!

I read articles of parents with bipolar and people who had bipolar parent. Was not a good read. Zero encouragement to have kids.

I then read about healthy marriages. I read about ladies like me trying everything to be healthy. But then I read articles from partners who love ones are like me trying to be healthy but how hard it is on them.

This week has started off with my working and doctor not thinking I'm fit enough for work.

Knowing that the chances of being a good Mum is not that great

And my husband basically lives a life of hell.

I literally don't know why I hold on. I just don't want to hurt my husband as I love him so much but regardless of that I'm hurting him everyday and taking away the chance of him having kids and a normal life. Him and the world are better off with out me.

[Shimmer]

Hi @Former-Member,

I'm sorry to hear how down you are feeling today. The effect changing medication has had on your work seems to have undermined your confidence.

I'm hearing that there are three areas that you value really highly in life: your work, marriage, and starting a family - is that right?

At the moment, because your confidence is down, you said you are feeling like a failure - it sounds like your dreams are surrounded by fear at the moment, that maybe you won't achieve them. I wonder if there is a way to turn that around, to cultivate some hope of movement towards your dreams? Is there one small action you could do today to start rebuilding your confidence in that direction?

I certainly don't believe that your husband or the world would be better off without you. Clearly you love him very much and from the way you talk about him he feels the same way. If you feel at risk due to thoughts about others being better off without you, remember you can always contact Lifeline for a chat on 13 11 14.

Take care,

Shimmer

[Shimmer]

P.S. @Former-Member, how do you think staying up reading those articles affected you? Just wondering if you got any sleep?

[Former-Member]

I got a full night sleep. The pills knock me out. My confidence is not down. I'm just adjusting to the reality of life. There will never be a zero ground. It's ever Bipolar me. Or off my face on drugs me. Both useless.

[Shimmer]

It sounds like you have been reading a lot about others' experiences with Bipolar @Former-Member, which is great to keep yourself informed, but this doesn't have to be your reality. You mentioned that previously your reality involved being outstanding at your work and dreaming about building a family with your husband. I hope that you can hold onto hope that you can get back to that point.

Have you talked to your husband or anyone else about how you are feeling at the moment?

[Former-Member]

I've crashed badly and fucked everything up. I tried online counceling but they think I'm to drunk! um hello bipolar makes you purely crazy! Fuck it I'm running away. I can't deal with it anymore. I just hurt everyone

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member

 I just wanted to check in with you. Based on your post, last night was a tough one.

From what you have said, the online counselling wasn’t particularly helpful last night – I was really disappointed to hear that.

I know it takes a lot to reach out for help, so to hear what happened to you last night is really frustrating. I hope it doesn’t discourage you for continuing to reach out. Sometimes it just takes a different person to answer the phone (or pick up the online chat in your case) that can make a world of difference.

I read your recent posts and it sounds like the change in medication has impacted you. Unfortunately, this is pretty normal for people changing medications.  It’s such a common topic of conversation in the Forums (use the search function on the Forums and look up ‘Changing medications’ and over 400 discussions are shown in the search results!).

 It’s not to say that just because so many people go through it, that it makes it any easier – but rather I want to highlight that changing medications is always a process – but once the dosage and the medication is right, things usually settle down.

 You mentioned that you’re adjusting to the reality of life – but I want to highlight, you have a level of control over your reality and a level of choice of how you handle your circumstances. Similar to a lot of people with chronic illnesses (physical and mental) it takes hard work.

I hope you can see past this current situation and focus on working towards getting back to what you love and continue to work with your supports (both formal and informal) to create the reality you want.