Skip to main content

Forums

Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Welcome & getting started

ExBPDParent
Casual Contributor

BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

Hi There

I am new here and this is my first post. I am feeling a bit desperate and not really sure where to turn to get support or what else I can do.

After years of infidelity, rage when being caught, lies and manipulation in our marriage, I left. 

I discovered some shocking information about his past and literally took the kids and left. 

Whilst he has sought help and many have mentioned BPD, he has not had a formal diagnosis. He is very high functioning, but the depths of the lies and deception is breathtaking. You wouldn't believe it if it was a movie.

 

After extensive reading and seeing health professionals myself, there is absolutely no doubt that he has BPD.

 

We have 2 children together. I won't go into the story, but he is dragging our young children from relationship to relationship. When he is in a  good space he is a good father, but my 7 year old is already super clued into his lies and manipulation of them.

He threatens self harm, threatens them to keep secrets, has made very inappropriate comments about my daughters etc but none of it is enough for me to withhold the kids. Hundreds of little things, but I am terrified for their safety. Not because I think he would deliberately hurt them (although his immense rage at me most of the tine, makes me worry he would hurt them to get back at me). I have been in the car when he has driven at 150km an hour in a rage, he's punched walls and when caught out/shamed he acts in incredibly impulsive ways.

I have always done the right thing by him as I know his behaviour is mental illness, but I feel broken.

I've spoken to police, child protection, lawyers, family court, DV organisations (there are SO many!) and basically everyone says that the system fails women and children like us. 

We are divorced, but my whole life seems consumed by the drama that surrounds him and my fear for our children.

I have women reach out who have been in relationship with him (always at least 2 at a time - he's been engaged 6 times). Everything has blown up in a very major way and I am so worried about my 2 young kids, yet I have to send them back.

Just wondering if anyone else has similar experience and has any guidance that may help. I'm exhausted and I feel like I am playing a never ending chess game and I don't know the rules of chess!

I have seen the same psychologist for 5 years (including 2 with him) who does a lot of work with BPD. But I think we have outgrown eachother. I now leave my appointments feeling terrified of what he might do and that is not helping me.

31 REPLIES 31

Re: BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

@ExBPDParent as it looks like you have tried all the available resources to you I don't know what to suggest next. 

 

I am the partner of a high functioning autisic with bipolar disorder who has been divorced for 13 years (since the younger of his two boys was only a few months old).

 

I totally understand why she left and I probably would have done the same if there were two young children involved but he is not like your partner. He has rages but he isn't deceitful in any way (that's the overlay of the ASD over the bipolar). If he'd had a diagnosis way back then and was being treated their marriage might not have ended the way it did but help wasn't forthcoming until the divorce gave him PTSD and all the other diagnoses followed.

 

Not so much now that they are 15 and 17, but a couple of years ago she would text me asking if I thought the boys were safe. They have always been safe with him but I'm sure she feels more at ease knowing I'm around as they both know that I would put their children's welfare above all else at all times.

 

However, I am his first partner in that time where she has been married another twice and is currently divorced for the third time.

 

He needs a formal diagnoses and meds and counselling to help bring this under control, but I have no idea how you make that happen. 

 

I hope someone else has more insight.

 

Kind regards

S

Re: BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

Hi All,

 

I posted here for a while and left as it was too difficult to find specific help, more or less all advice is general, just hang on and try your best. (This is my personal opinion no hard feelings and offence).

And to be honest you have to get through it by yourself as all experience I unique.

I have a BPD wife (an absolutely lovely person until rage kick in less expected moments). She can be so kind and caring but only on her terms. Anyway, long story short we decided to separate and probably divorce as I can not handle the relationship (I have MS by myself and stress literally just make me sicker).

This is very sad and I am disappointed in myself, I made a voe and I am breaking it. But sometimes life made so much turn and twists that not everything holds together. 

I have two children (16 and 21) that make things maybe a bit easier, but when she made my daughter crying about her birthday present and had simple enough. Children have unconditional love towards their mother but as a husband, I reckon to love my just dried out.

 

So look for help everywhere:

 

https://www.sane.org/information-stories/the-sane-blog/caring-for-others/boundary-setting-and-mental... 

 

https://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/   if available for you.

 

https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/talk-someone/advice-line 

 

 

All the best, keep posting that sometimes helps to ease tensions.

 

Cheers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

I understand total despair @eskimos, I have been there so, so, so, so many times and felt so let down by the entire world even doctors (I used to feel angry but I don't anymore, I see how difficult my father was and how limited Psychiatry is with treating his PD, but also with who he was as a person), but at the end of the day there is only a limited amount that an anonymous online forum can do.......it takes years to recover and build supports and some tiny semblance of a safe place to hide and recover in peace. My father had a PD, a more treatment resistant one and more severe, not to diminish your wife's suffering BPD is tough, but there is hope for BPD, I have met people that are in recovery, but it still takes a lot of work and it took them roughly 5 years to get there...... Being a chronic mental illness like all of the others it does take a holistic approach to every aspect of your life just to stay well....its not any '1' thing, but probably about a dozen changes, habits and routines to keep well......but this is up to your wife to implement them. She's a fully grown adult and if she has always made sure that she was in relationship  and coupled it will hard, but not impossible. I would engage health professionals in the separation if that is at all possible and her own family if they are still alive or in her life, I don't know where you live or what services there are, but I would tell the local mental health team that you have separated. You've got a lot of health problems of your own that can't be ignored. But I have been at despair and desperation before, its a lonely place, I had no one in my life with similar experiences except my sibs, I hope that that isn't the case for you - Corny 

Re: BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

Wow, thanks @Corny, your post was like the blue sky over my head you seem to know what I am talking about.

 

Have a questions:

 

1. What do you mean 

"She's a fully grown adult and if she has always made sure that she was in a relationship and coupled it will hard, but not impossible"?, you mean that she might understand what she is doing to our mental health, my all family hates our home, our play board games together, our life. We just got to the point when all of us are hiding in our own corner of the home and come up as rare as possible. I can not believe that I allowed my kids to get to that point but, I thought love can overcome everything, I reckon that is not the case.

And my wife is thinking that this is myself and my son who made this and made her do that by being not appreciated what she did for us this is really crazy.

2. What do you mean:

"I would tell the local mental health team that you have separated. You've got a lot of health problems of your own that can't be ignored", I am in Melbourne south-east, what is the local mental team, never heard of it. 

We are living in community housing so maybe when I will tell them they get some help for us.

 

We are not looking for outside help as my wife is hiding her condition as much as she can and hates me if I will tell anybody. I called her psychiatrist that we are going to separate and beg for help from her, and he told her that and she was obsessed that I will fight for our daughter as I called behind her back to her doctor. Or maybe she is right it was wrong and rude I am losing the reality of what is right and wrong.

 

How to not hide her condition? Maybe I should talk to everyone and beg for help and not telling her that I did it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

I think its a worry @eskimos if you read a post and there is an overwhelming sense of secrets. 

 

Why is her illness secret? And my guess would be, it probably isn't. People would see or observe behaviours that are outside the norm, or ask questions. Mental illness is quite prevalent, and it is pretty easy to pick it in others when you have one of your own. There would be people around her that know something isn't quite right.

 

By "She's a fully grown adult and if she has always made sure that she was in a relationship and coupled it will hard, but not impossible"? - I mean that just because you are in a relationship it doesn't mean that you let got of all of your independence. And also it may be a pattern of hers. Before you got together did she go from relationship to relationship......if the answer is yes, she probably doesn't have much skill in regulating her emotions on her own, and if she's always had someone there to do it for her it will be a baptism by fire but life catches up with all of us eventually. You eventually have to learn to be with emotion, let if pass through you, without introducing nicotine, alcohol, shopping, gambling, sex, gaming, a new relationship, over exercise, drugs, porn, food, and not interrupt a natural process which we all have to learn as best as we can. We all do it to varying degrees but some people seem to be less developed with this skill. 

 

It's sounds like your wife has low insight. Because you said that she might understand what she's doing to the family's health....that sort of indicates to me that she's low on the scale. And as for being obsessive and being angry that you contacted her doctor, well what is the point of having a doctor if they don't know the whole picture? Personality disorders are very stigmatised, I know, not as stigmatised as Schizophrenia and it never will be, I am biased but its true. It does take a bit of getting used to to go, you know what, I am mentally ill and I need help, but back to my first point when there is a sense of secrets I am suss.

 

You said - We are not looking for outside help as my wife is hiding her condition as much as she can and hates me if I will tell anybody.......take it from someone that has had 40 years life experience with mental illness. If she, and you keep this up, you are going to burn many many bridges. People walk away, they do not love her like you do, they don't have those feelings and they give up and preserve their own health and well-being, and so they should says the middle aged women in Sydney who has been labelled 'disabled', because this right here, is not a life I would wish on anyone. If this continues then medical professionals start to give up too. That is a dangerous place to be but it is understandable. Because people say well, it can't be that bad, she's a fraud, a drama queen or she is unwilling to engage and I am powerless.

 

Maybe the separation can only proceed with a hospital admission. You are limited by what you can afford but if you can afford it I would go that route, otherwise her Psychiatrist may place her in there against her will anyway. I am unsure of how it works in Victoria but I am sure there are many resources online to help you. 

 

Corny 

 

Re: BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

Yes @Corny it is worryingly painful to me but my wife is just doing that on daily basis. We are drawing as a family because of her perfect camouflage as the nicest person in the world according to friends. So here we go, I did nuclear option destroying our family as my wife now selling around and even not crying at all on what was happened, I can not believe it. She gladly accepted it and start looking for work, setting her own life and just methodically start manipulating me to move out and leave her with our children. She even did not tell her family yet. Come back to control as much as possible and business as usual.

I have suggested she come back to Poland to her family where she has housing, well establish mother, brother, she just rejected that as I am crazy how I even thought that she leaves children here with me. She does not know how to open a bank account and have always did not like Australia (we immigrate here in 2007), and complained that she can not care for her elderly parents.

 

This is like a nightmare. I reckon I start losing sanity, I am going to my third psychologist tomorrow. I can't get how I got to that point. Sorry.

 

Re: BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

Well. You are under a lot of stress, and there seems to be a lot more to the story no doubt if I try to read between the lines, which you are under no obligation to discuss.

 

You use the word 'camouflage'......its pretty damn hard to hide a severe mental illness. I had a public breakdown, I absolutely cringe with embarrassment remembering some of the stuff I did. Nothing too crazy, but there was a definite loss of my dignity on some level, and my ego. But I was really unwell and it was a total loss of control, one of the scariest things that I've ever gone through. To be camouflaged on the other hand is to be able to measure, adjust given the circumstances and it also indicates self knowledge. She knows that her mental illness is manifesting and that somehow this is socially unacceptable in her eyes. Maybe I am projecting my own childhood which is a definite risk cos I know I do do that without meaning to, but......Psychiatry having invented these diagnostic categories is a little rigid, there is lots of cross over with other conditions, and your wife still has a personality. Psychiatry deciding to use the word 'personaility' as part of a diagnosis has created so much confusion and misinformation. But from what you are describing she is very different at home, compared to out in the world with friends and you and the kids are bearing the brunt of it.

 

She's probably still processing the separation, if she hasn't told her own family there isn't much conviction there in my opinion, her actions indicate she is hesitating and as for no tears, if she has never been the emotional type, she probably never will be, or only in private. I am the sort of chick that is too soft for her own good, but when I need to be I can be FEISTY, there is still Fire in my belly when I need to protect myself, and if I was her, it would be immediately, straight away, its over, get out of my life, I never want to see or speak to you ever again, I hate your guts.......but she hasn't done that, so if you are wanting a reconciliation maybe there is still a chance, but I guess you need to be prepared that nothing may ever change. It seems to have gone on for a long time without medical treatment which is very draining......I'm not sure why she is so afraid that people will find out she has a mental illness. It is quite widely spoken about these days and if it has imploded her marriage it must be having a deep impact on relationships. Its very hard when someone refuses treatment, or even worse like my father, was untreatable, I hope that your doctors or health professionals can help in this regard. 

 

Either way, you're still hoping to be validated by her and I get the sense that you are waiting for her to turn into the partner you imagined she would turn out to be, or expect that you deserve based on the intensity of feeling you probably felt when you first met.

 

Life doesn't always turn our that way, people get sick and other complications arise. But sometimes the rush & love you feel isn't always reciprocated or expressed in ways you imagine it would by your partner. Sometimes its a compatability thing and we fight against the fact that we are not compatible because we want it to work out. Also our culture teaches us that enduring love is our birth right and when you meet someone and fall in love they will be perfect in every way and never change.....I am not sure I see that when I look around - Corny 

Re: BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

I really empathise with you @eskimos and thank you for taking the time to share your experiences. It is some kind of weird hell to be in relationship (or having left a relationship) with someone with BPD. Especially if you have children together. The absolute denial and cover up is something that I have experienced as well. My ex husband has even found a psychiatrist who, after 2 sessions, has written a letter saying he doesn't have BPD, is presenting with no mental health issues and does not require any medical treatment or medication.

This is apparently a psychiatrist who specialises in BPD. I cannot fathom how a professional can do that. If he had an hour with me and saw the actual history of this man - it is clear as day.

I am sure that anyone who has stayed with someone with BPD has immesurable amounts of empathy and compassion and has exhausted many options to try and heal the relationship and stay together. If you didn't have this you would have left long ago. 

It is an incredibly hard dynamic to live with and whilst I don't have any answers, I just want you to know that I hear you. No-one really understands this special kind of hell unless they have been there. I am a little further on in my journey now, although the law says I still need to send my kids back, into a very unsafe situation, and that nothing can be done until he actually does something to the children. As I said - it's a living hell. But I am getting better at staying removed and trusting that for 48 hours a fortnight, they are safe. I have put in place many preventative measures and as many supports as possible.

I wish you well in the next part of your journey. There are many days where I think it would have been easier to stay - as I would be able to protect my children better. But I know that leaving is the best thing for me and demonstrates to my children how important boundaries are. They are on their own journey with their Dad. They are still very young, but already talk about Dad lying and how he loves the first person who comes along more than he loves them. 

Just be the very best Dad you can be for your children and do what you can to be that safe place for them. I always felt like I was in quick sand in my marriage. Never able to find the bottom. I want my kids to know that when they are with me, their feet will always be on the bottom and they will have safety, security and love. 


Re: BPD Issues and Parenting After Divorce

@ExBPDParent has a lot of direct, lived experience with this mental health disorder which I do not @eskimos and is probably better than me in providing guidance. I have met a lot of people with the disorder, and people that have recovered/are recovering.

 

My family member had NPD which is quite different, and it was a male which I think does change things, but that is just my opinion. I just try my best to communicate that mental illness is not synonymous with abuse and violence, but I have been on both sides of mental illness, as a carer, as a child abused by people with mental illness and as someone who now has her own.....its hard across the internet with only the written word to get that complexity across. But I wish you both well and I don't take offence at all, I have lived at that exact intersection my entire life, and its very sad because you lose your health in the end, and then you don't have much at all , take care, Corny Heart

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance