Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Andrab ,

Often, therapists want you to focus on yourself during sessions and hence may not want you to speak about your daughter and her BPD. However, I think it is good to open up to the fact that you need guidance around being a carer for someone with BPD. Handling pwBPD can be quite challenging - it seems we have different takes on things. DBT will support your daughter to understand the 3 minds: emotional mind, rational mind and the wise mind. 

For me, when I find myself using only the emotional mind, I've taught myself to throw some rational thinking into it. Similarly, when I find myself using only the rational mind, I turn to throwing some emotional thinking into it. This gives us the balance of the wise mind. 

A borderline will often find themselves living in the emotional mind. DBT will teach the skills required to transition to the wise mind.

I myself have not done the full DBT treatment programme, but have benefitted from individual DBT skills training. However, this type of therapy was not beneficial until AFTER I completed a full round of 18 months of MBT (mentalisation-based therapy). MBT was full-on, but it has made a remarkable difference.

All the best @Andrab !

Please ask if you have any other questions.

BPDSurvivor

[Andrab]

Thankyou again for your advice, knowledge and lived experience.  I've learnt more from your posts than all my readings on BPD and will try to apply strategies so as that I am more of a "Wise" thinker as opposed to emotional with a hint of rational!.

Given the time of year, I am anticipating some bumps in the next week or two, so may have some more questions,  but being a busy time of year, certainly don't expect a reply.

[BPDSurvivor]

Awesome @Andrab !

 Just so I don't miss your posts, tag me in by including an @ in front of my name.

Having BPD is a bumpy road, but it's totally worth it. As a carer, you will learn so much about people and how to see them from a strengths-based model.

Ive looked at so many BPD self 'help' books and resources (videos, newsletters), but the best source has been lived-experience. The other resources keep telling me what the BPD traits are and all the 'suffering', but fipping the script, I don't see myself as a sufferer. I've embraced BPD and appreciated all the learning from it. I hope your daughter will also appreciate this in days to come.

BPDSurvivor

[Former-Member]

Hi @BPDSurvivor 

Hope it's ok to bump an old topic in this fashion, but I thought I'd give a bit of an update as to how things were going. 

We've had a few ups and downs and today was particularly hard on her and I am feeling a bit unsure about things again. It was probably some bad judgement on my part, but 2 nights ago we went out to meet a couple of friends of mine for the first time. I know she doesn't have many friends she sees of her own anymore. Maybe only 1(which I met) after some major self harm events and people cutting her out/her cutting out others 6 months ago. This was when she was diagnosed with BPD also.

We had up to this point(almost 3 months dating) almost exclusively always just seen each other, no friends present.

I thought it was good for us to have some other people to hang out with, and I knew my friends were going to love her. I thought it was a good idea for her to get some confidence with meeting some new friends.

So we were set to meet my friends, who I assured her are very chilled and easy going and tried my best to keep it all low stress before meeting them. But she insisted on having a couple of drinks before meeting them, I am guilty of this also as I have often done this at times when anxious before meeting new people.

Anyway we turned up a bit late, but she got on extremely well with them and we had a great night, but a late dinner. Long story short, she was a lot more hungover than me. She didn't sleep well and was not in the best mood the next day(understandably).

She was meant to work the Friday..but called in sick and also canceled any other shifts she had for the following week, early in the morning when she woke up..

I had already made plans to meet some other friends of mine that Friday night, without her. And hadn't nentioned it yet as she was working anyway, and if she was to goto where I was meeting them we would have stayed at my parents.

My thoughts(before she canceled her shift) were she probably doesn't need the stress of working a 6 hour shift, coming to my parents house, meeting them for the first time, then meeting 3 more of my friends(1 day after meeting 2 of my others.)

I was slightly torn between trying to comfort her during a hangover and not cancel with my other friends. She didn't really suggest she wanted me to look after her towards the end of the day, but it may have been something she did want.

I ended up going out with other friends. And she messaged somewhat regularly through the night. 

We had made plans on the Thursday night with the 2 original friends to play some board games/hang out at their place this afternoon(Saturday). I messaged her throughout today, with huge gaps of her not replying. She eventually asked if she could rain check hanging out with the friends, which I said was fine. She then revealed later she was having a very bad day and hadn't left her bed once

I offered to come stay with her tonight and hug her/be there. But she said she'd like to be alone. Which is fine. Later tonight she said she can't shake her sadness today at all and she feels "ugly and boring".

I tried reassuring her several times I don't feel that way even remotely. She said she 'feels like it's good when we're together then I leave and her mood shifts and she doesn't want me to see it, and she wants to end it with me and she cries and sleeps it off. Then realizes she's crazy. Then wakes up wanting to see me again'

Her words, not mine. I told her about how she hasn't once been boring and about all the fun times we have had and what I really find attractive and cute about her etc.

She hasn't had a chance to see her therapist due to holidays(I believe) and spoke to a councillor tonight who told her to take a bath for now. She sees her therapist this week. Which I think will help a lot. 

I'm a bit worried about her canceling work and not leaving the bed etc. It's hard for me to judge if the relationship is putting her progress back and forward. As I didn't know her before it. I know this is a conversation for her and the therapist. But it's hard for me to tell if I'm complicating things. I'm not a quitter, and I have reassured her I don't have any intention in leaving. Just at a bit of a loss.

Thanks again for listening

[BPDSurvivor]

Oh dear... I just finished writing a massive post and it disappeared. Sorry @Former-Member .

Ill try again tomorrow on the computer rather than my phone.

 But I totally hear you. 

BPDSurvivor

[Former-Member]

No probs. Thanks

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Former-Member ,

Sorry I couldn't get back to you earlier.

Thanks for you post anyway. It's so good to see you able to reflect on your actions and contemplate whether they are harmful or helpful to someone with BPD.

After reading your post and the various situations your BPD was in, I think she acutally managed quite well. Obviously, she knows when she feels anxious and works towards reducing that anxiety (through drinking). It is good to acknowledge she is proactive about potentially-triggering times, and moving forward, I think it is about working with her therapist to find more helpful ways of being proactive e.g. rather than drinking to an extreme, limit herself to what is needed to 'take the edge off'.

Every person with BPD is different. Here, I am speaking only from my experience. If I was in a relationship with you and you did not tell me you were going out with friends, I would interpret that as 'he is hiding something from me. He cannot be trusted. He does not want me. I hate him'. This would then spiral into self-hatred and SH. I actually think she's done very well to manage as well as she has. For me, the last action from a person would be how I think of them. For example, if you did not tell me you were going out, I would see that as abandonment and hate you for it. However, if you gave me a hug, that hatred would turn into total commitment and love. Can you see the emotional turmoil of a borderline? 

Despite all the emotional sensitivity, you have an amazing, highly compassionate person in your hands. It is worth the perseverence. 

Always remember, keep your boundaries, always have open-communication, do what you say and say what you do.

As for work, I would encourage her to see if she is well enough to go in even for half a day. Otherwise, suggest keeping some form of routine e.g. waking up at the same time, eating regularly. Offer suggestions....please don't TELL her what to do - this may make her feel you are taking control of her. E.g. 'I've got a suggestion, how about.....'

All the best. You have gold in your hands. Work delicately to remove the dross and refine the gold.

BPDSurvivor