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Fed up wife of Borderline husband

Casual Contributor

Fed up wife of Borderline husband

I have been married to my husband for almost 8 years and we have been together for 9 . He had a very rocky relationship with his family which he blamed on me . In his defense this is partly true not because Im not a good person but because the didnt want him to get divorced much less meet someone and remarry . So I did not appreciate the true story of the terrible texting , manuipulation and such that went on , until all his relationships were completly destroyed and it was turned upon myself. Here were are 8 years later . I worked 6 days a week 10 hours a day ever since we were married . Basicially I paid all the bills because he was paying off credit card debt from his previous marriage . So here we go I paid off his debt, cash flowed us , bought a house on the beach , furnished it put in a pool and was looking forward to retired life with my husband . During our entire marriage hes always the victim he was long suffering because of my work hours (he forgets that he put me in the position of sole breadwinner) constant demands to quit work be home in 30 min or something very bad could happen . If he found out any of my clients names he would stalk them , accuse me of having a affair with them and demand to know how it started and ended . I would be forced to drop them as clients for fear that crazy would be in their world soon . There was no appeasing my husband . He spent the money I made freely all while acting like my job was the cause of all his suffering . My husband and I have always had a very active sex life and early in our marriage I discovered he also has a porn habit which is what I believe feeds his paranoia as well as his fantasies . After much disagreement that he would never do this again I find out he has never stopped. !!! I forgot to mention he has explosive rage , will go for days without talking to you and when he does its trust issues , he has PTSD from living with me he says . My husbands lays in the bed all day he has a terrible bad back however he does nothing to help himself . We are now both retired and every word that comes out of his mouth is something to devalue me , make fun of me or insult me as a person . I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry , child care (I am homeschooling my daughter ) as well as do all the outdoor chores that a man would normally do . His abusive behavior is getting worse and Im at a loss as to what to do. I within the past year have bee diagnosed with MS and amdoing all in my power t stay healthy . I do a 3 mile jog on the beach early morning before my family gets up.My husband has recently said he doesnt like this I should stop its making him have PTSD flash backs and if i dont wantto be abused I better do what he says . My response was No you are welcome to go with me but I will continue my run. To one up this I have endured weeks of abuse (he sleeps all day ) keeps me awake all night . ....any advice would be helpful I am just about done .

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15 REPLIES
Casual Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

I think you need to get a counsellor / social worker involved.
Generally when people hear their faults coming from their partner they take it as a personal attack and get defensive, especially if they have mental health issues.
His mental health issues can effect his self-esteem as well which would also make him act the way he does.

I'm not excusing his behaviour because I don't think the way he treats you is right, I'm just explaining why I believe he does.

I think getting a counsellor or social worker involved would benefit - he could hear someone else's point of view etc. and the person won't get emotional about the things that you would when trying to explain. Whether you get a couples / marriage counsellor or someone specifically to talk to him and you are there for support if required. I definitely think it's a good option to help salvage the situation.
Casual Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

I have tried that and I generally do not bring up his faults until he pushes me to the point where you have to try to reason with him . I have been to a marriage counselor with him where he blames me the entire time and if he is not agreed with and his ego stroked he is the victim again and they are stupid hes going to have their license ect . Then he trys to find out about their family , where they live all the while telling me they deserve to be killed if it was a righteous world .. remember he has no problems its everyone else that has the problem .
Community Manager

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

I'm so sorry to hear about how challenging your experience has been @marie11

Abuse is never ok and as @Earthsucks mentioned, I rekcon it would be good to chat with a counsellor for some support. There's a service called 1800RESPECT that you might be intersted in. It's a free 24hour service and you can contact them here

Look after yourself and keep reaching out for support 🌻

Dec
Senior Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

Hi @marie11

 

What your husband is doing is abuse - I haven't been in your position but I am divorced and know that it's often the last thing we want to do but it can be the most important thing we want to do

 

And from your story it sounds as if it is really hard

 

What I know about BPD is from my son - he had no sense at all about other people's barriers and crashed through them and had abrupt personality changes from wonderful to terrible and back again which confused people - and so I get that part well - it is a rotten position to be in - in my son's case no one believed me how bad it was until he died abd then everyone did

 

It's a long time ago now but having someone indulging themselves in such destructive behaviour is soul-destroying and I hope you can get some help - you have work hard all your life to provide and now all of this

 

I wish you the best - it must be a nighmare you can't wake up from

 

Dec

Casual Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

 

Hi @marie11

I am one of those husbands with BPD. It tears me apart to say it, but my wife walking away from me was what has led me to look at myself. I am not telling you what to do at all.

I knew my poblems, though was in denial about my diagnosis, and my wife was punished for my lack of action. I don't know how you feel, I'm not you. But I know that BPD sufferers can be a very damaging presence.

I made my wife my soul source of happiness/existence. It was too much pressure for one person. I don't know if you are made to feel them same. 

As I say, I can't advise you on what to do. I can only say I refused to even look at myself until I had lost that one special person. She had to walk. She knew in her heart I wouldn't change while she was around. 

I didn't realise I was hurting her the way I was either. Not sure if he really gets it, not if he and I are at all similar. We have a daughter too, and i know my nature was affecting her. For her sake I am glad I am not living with her right now.

I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you what my wife did in your shoes. 

Good luck and stay strong.

Casual Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

Exactly he has no boundaries and you are right it is a nightmare that you cant wake up from or get out of . I dont think anyone can truly appreciate the desperation or hopeless or the situation unless you have been there . I am so sorry about your son was his death a result of his Mental Ilness? Was he like my husband and refuse help ? I have stayed because I know hes Mentally Ill it just gets to a point where they are so mean and nasty you cannot stand to be around them .
Dec
Senior Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

Hi @marie11

 

Yes - my son died because as a result of his mental illness

 

He was only 16 - it was a long time ago - but he had no control over his behaviour when he lost the plot - I was afraid for him and knew what was coming - it has not been easy though

 

You are right - people have to live what some people with BDP can do to our well-being when they either can't or won't see the possibilities or probabilities of their behaviour

 

Thanks for what your wrote too @jackson12 - that was a tough way to learn but I take it you have learned

 

It is a really rotten condition

 

Sending my best thoughts to both of you

 

Dec

Casual Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

No he isnt making me his source of happiness . Its like the 1000000 nice things you do for him is over shadowed by the fact that I hate him and I took a text from my brother during a Eagles Concert that I paid a outrageous price for tickets for his birthday . Now he hates the Eagles I am still listening to this 5 years later . Its a broken record of slights and and a book of wrongs such as this that has gone on for years . Never mind that he always blows off Christmas every year because you know the attention is not on him and I didnt come home from work when he told me to so he dissapeared for 3 days all the while texting me abusive things about how I ruined Christmas because I had to work until 4 on Christmas Eve then had to go grocery shopping for Christmas Dinner (BTW he wasnt working but he wasnt going to help out any ) I got home he was gone . Blew off Christmas , contacted me the day after 4 in the morning cancel your work schedule we are having Christmas today he said . My reply ...No Christmas was yesterday thats the only day I had off we opened presents , I cooked Christmas Dinner you missed it . Today I have to work . He has to do something so he wrecks our truck that night . I truly hope that this was not the care in you and your spouses relationship . I hope you are getting help and you continue to do so . This life like this is no joke .
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Casual Contributor

Re: Fed up wife of Borderline husband

I am so very sorry Its like watching a terrible accident where you know something terrible is going to happen and you cant stop it no matter how much you want to . The only thing I fear is that in his moments of rage about some precieved injustice I have done that its not my body my kids are looking down in the casket at . No I do not want my husband to feel like this or no I do not want see his body in a casket either .