Lived Experience Forum

[Mazarita]

Sorry, @Exoplanet, as happened earlier this morning, I am too depressed to wait for a reply. Need to go back to bed again. Hope you make it to see the patient lady. If not, I hope it feels okay not going. 

[Exoplanet]

I'm glad I went & talked to the very patient lady. To be honest because it had been a bit over a month, I kind of felt like we were strangers again. But as soon as I sat down & saw her gentle smile, heard her appoligizing for being a couple of minutes late & asking how I'd been - I was relieved. I talked about the things that I wanted to, not in great detail but without a piece of paper as a shield - I kind of felt that was a big step. She has a way of making me see past my own lies, a lot of stuff is still going back to my falling out with my daughter; of course a lot of stuff goes back even further, but I'm so glad she doesn't push for any of that stuff. She also charged less this time, I don't really understand why, I didn't say anything - except about the anxiety I'm feeling over the fence & how much it's cost already. I think that's real insight. I think I trust her a bit. I think she knows what she's doing, which is a bit scary - can she see through the thin veneer I put up, the pretence of being a good person; does she see all the hate and the anger, that I do everything I can to deny to even myself? Can she help?

[Exoplanet]

No need to be sorry Mazy  @Mazarita 

What I don't understand {& I do understand} I will accept.

You are enough for me 

[CheerBear]

Afternoon everyone. I've had a busy-ish but really good day today and am about to enjoy the company of just one home plus a visiting friend tonight. We're going to play some video games and have takeaway for dinner, which my just one is very excited about. I wanted to call by while I had a moment, with ❤ for some maybe tricky feelings I was reading along with today.

@eth really sorry to hear about the difficulties you had and have with your mum, and how much it (understandably) stirred things up for you. Hoping you found a way to use the energy from it that worked for you today.

Biiiig hugs @Mazarita for your crappy day and those sinking depressed feelings. Hearing you and hoping it passes in time for tomorrow for you. Wondering what your special day is, though I'm thinking it may not be something shareable. Hugs again.

@Exoplanet go you for getting to your appointment. It's a big step to not hide behind our shields, whatever they may be. It takes lots of courage to do that. Also great to hear you're feeling some trust with her - that's so important. Hopefully with time you'll find or feel the answers to those questions x

Hope it's a reasonable or better than that afternoon/evening for all.

[eth]

Sending lots of love @Mazarita  By now you are probably in Trek land.  I hope it and C coming home will pick you up a bit.  Thinking of you  

[Appleblossom]

@Mazarita You are so much more active and out and about these days.  Maybe you are being harder on yourself than need be.  Hope tomorrow lives up to its promise.

@CheerBear Enjoy tonight on lighter mum duties.

 @greenpea  My mood was low to start.  Sick of yet another thing to fix (plumbing) and not having water.  But we had a good session with new family counsellor. My son was proactive and positive so that was good to see and new fella/counsellor should be fine.

@Exoplanet Maybe the very patient lady is worth seeing.  Good that you did not need the piece of paper.  I needed one when I first began counselling.  Dont be too hard on yourself about having a veneer or periods of anger.  The way our personalities develop has a logic and you have lots of good in you.  We all try and put our good points forward.  That is natural, but maybe next time bring in a comment that acknowledges a shadow part in whatever you feel.  I have difficulty with that stuff too, as I dont have good sense of how to be balanced about myself.  I can shoot myself in the foot, or be too self damning.

Take Care All

[Mazarita]

Today I have been in what feels like a depression of mind and body both. Feels like a brain chemistry dysphoria. My mind is noticing the beautiful and good things all around in my life, but everything feels dim, with little emotional effect. I know this feeling from when I was much younger, when I experienced it so much, major depression. One time I saw Patti Smith live and was completely depressed to the point of crying all the way through, completely unmoved by her high energy, amazing performance. All this sleeping I've been doing is causing some serious depression, I think, and it feels like it's getting worse. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Saturday, glad it's not further away. 

Hi @Exoplanet, thank you for being so accepting of me. I am glad you went to see the patient lady. She sounds wonderful.  

Hi @CheerBear, so good to hear you enjoying a good day. Hugs right back atcha. 

Hi @eth, thanks for thinking of me. Yes, I was watching two hours of Star Trek when you posted last. Woke up not long before it started at 4.30pm. C coming home has definitely improved things. Now there's two hours of Seinfeld on. Hope your day has been okay, and that the issues that have arisen with family today have been managable by focussing instead on the great developments towards your new life. 

Hi everyone, an okay evening, or better than that, to all. 

[Mazarita]

Good morning, @CheerBear, @eth, @Exoplanet and everyone,

4am and I thought I'd just leave a good morning message before returning to bed, as I may or may not be on the forum later this morning.

Feeling a bit better, though it's the middle of the night. Hoping for the best today.

May it be a good day for all. 

[CheerBear]

Tossing and turning for the last little while here so it was nice to catch this message in real time @Mazarita. Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. Sounds like yesterday was not a good one at all. Happy special day to you and I hope it's a better day for today ❤

[Mazarita]

@CheerBear, thanks for your good wishes. 

Hope you don't mind a rave...

Just before waking, I dreamt I had cerebral palsy, or a related condition that can come on suddenly in later life. What a weird set of dream imaginings to have just before I woke to a brilliant early morning.

Today already feels like the opposite of yesterday. Or maybe not the opposite. Just a happy morning in an excitable but stable way. 

I sometimes say that the one thing I like about bipolar is that you know, regardless of how bad things seem, your mood is going to change at some point. Mind, you, I have in my life really tested how very long I could go in depressed states!

But today is not one of them (at least not so far). 

Thankful to all there is to be grateful for. It's a lot.