Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[frustratedstep]

Hi There,

I have been dealing with my stepdaughter for 10 years as she navigates depression (Unipolar). She is extremely manipulative with her father (my partner) and has placed myself, her biological mother and her father in different corners so there is no unity in being able to deal with her depression. Her parents do not interact at all and she weaves a web of stories about each of them to each other. Because of the lack of unity between them they each believe what she says about the other.

She has been quite disrespectful of my relationship with her father and tells people that her father will choose her over me anytime. He firmly believes all her stories and she has now started coming between us, telling him that I have 'changed' towards her and I am mean. She has been living with her mother for a couple of years and tells her Dad that her psychiatrist says that she needs to get away from her mother even though, when she is with us, she will sit outside and have a jovial 40 minute conversation laughing and telling stories with her mother (I don't think she realises we can hear the conversations). She will then return inside and tell us that her mother was verbally abusing her?????? 

She recently verbally abused me at our home after she had been drinking heavily and my husband told her that she needed to leave. She has since decided that she wants nothing to do with me and my partner is now seeing her on his own. She regularly stays out of contact despite him trying to call and text but, if she wants money or something done, is straight on the phone to get a result. If we travel she will text him endlessly spoiling anytime we have together and once she knows we are on our way home contact stops...until she needs something again. She engages him in an endless array of her medical conditions (supposedly such bad gastro her mother had never seen the likes before - we find out it was actually a severe hangover) or 'dislocated her jaw while she was sleeping' and days of text about this condition followed. She has convinced her Dad that she has such a 'shit life' and will not make any attempt to try and get herself out of it. We have tried encouraging exercise, part-time work, spent a few thousand on a bed, bond and household goods when she decided she was moving out of home with a friend. This lasted a month as tensions arose with the friend - all her friend's fault she assures us. She lies her way around every situation and causes such incredible tension it is almost untenable. I am hoping that someone can help with some advice on how to manage this situation as a step-parent. I find that I am helpless and don't know where to turn. I am becoming resentful of the way she is driving a wedge between my partner and I. I want to help her but I think that needs to be called up on some of her actions and take accountability for her actions. I know that my partner wants  to support her in every way but she manipulates every situation and treats him with such disrespect it really makes me sad for him. I love my partner very much and I just need advice on how we can navigate this.

[Spookytookims]

@frustratedstep  I have had dealings with an extreme case of manipulative character. 

When I was seeing what I was seeing and not quite believing myself  it could actually be that bad I started researching.  Here are a couple of ideas for you if you want to investigate this phenomenon a little further. 

Obviously I have no idea what you have and have not looked into already, but I just know the first book here helped me confirm a lot of what I was seeing and dealing with.  More so than I'd been able to get others to understand.  Of course, like any book, I didn't identify with all of it, but I did find it an excellent start in the validation and nodding moments.

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
Paperback – April 1, 2010
by George K. Simon Ph.D. (Author)

Dr. George Simon knows how people push your buttons.  Your children--especially teens--are expert at it, as is your mate.  A co-worker may quietly undermine your efforts while professing to be helpful, or your boss may prey on your weaknesses.  Manipulative people have two goals: to win and to look good doing it.  Often those they abuse are only vaguely aware of what is happening to them.  In this eye-opening book, you'll also discover...

* 4 reasons why victims have a hard time leaving abusive relationships
* Power tactics manipulators use to push their own agendas and justify their behaviour
*Ways to redefine the rules of engagement between you and an abuser
* How to spot potential weaknesses in your character that can set you up for manipulation.
* 12 tools for personal empowerment to help you maintain greater strength in all relationships

Character Disturbance: the phenomenon of our age Paperback – June 1, 2011
by George K. Simon Ph.D.

Modern permissiveness and the new culture of entitlement allows disturbed people to reach adulthood without proper socialisation. In a book meant both for the general public and for professionals, bestselling author and psychologist George Simon explains in plain English:

•How most disturbed characters think.
•The habitual behaviours the disturbed use to avoid responsibility and to manipulate, deceive, and exploit others.
•Why victims in relationships with disturbed characters do not get help they need from traditional therapies.
•A straightforward guide to recognising and understanding all relevant personality types, especially those most likely to undermine relationships.
•A new framework for making sense of the crazy world many find themselves in when there's a disturbed character in their lives.
•Concrete principles that promote responsibility and positive change when engaging disturbed characters.
•Tactics (for both lay persons and therapists) to lessen the chances for victimisation and empower those who would otherwise be victims in their relationships with many types of disturbed characters.

[frustratedstep]

Thank you @Spookytookims looks like I have some reading over Easter.

[Appleblossom]

I also raise question of what it is

back to basics ... handling

times when it is needed and times when it is not ... and if continued becomes abuse.

I am no longer a step mom ... did it and ALL the dirty work for 16 years. Saw her fb pic and was deeply revulsed. Finally decided that I did not wish to pursue it any more... that she would need to jump a few hoops for me .. but not holding my breath.. accepting it may be never.

Good Luck.  I found the Stepfamily Association a little helpful, but mainly to let me know it was all too far gone in my circumstances.  Your situation may prove resolvable.  Step parents need more recognition.

[NikNik]

Hi @frustratedstep

Welcome to the Forums. I'm glad you found us!

I hope the responses from @Appleblossom & @Spookytookims have been helpful so far. I wanted to point you towards a discussion started by @Butterfly1 , about their experience with their son, which you can find here and a discussion by @Frangipani21 about their daughter, which you can find here. 

I also want to flag that next Wednesday, 26 April, we are hosting a live info session on Managing Conflict, which you might find helpful.

I hope you continue to post here and find the community helpful - even if it's just knowing you're not alone.

How have things been travelling over the past week or so? I hope the long weekend didn't add too much stress.