Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Ant1]

Hi ivana

First thing I would like to say thanks to everyone who has offered advice and opinions about my post.

I really appreciate the feedback.

ivana,

In regard to your questions it comes back to the title of my post.

My wife believes that she has nothing wrong with her. She will say she is "Bipolar" to any medical person but she tells them that "because it is what they want to hear". 

When she is talking about the past she states that all she ever needed when she was younger was to speak to a councillor and not a psychiatrist as quote "They are only interested in shoving pills in my gob" and now it is too late, quote "I don't need to speak to anyone now, it’s the past and no one can help me with the past"

Despite this she did go to a few support groups 10 years ago.

At home it is like walking on eggshells, when she is "ranting" about the same issues if I say "would seeing a councillor now help?" It will set off a tirade of

"What type of husband are you? Supporting THOSE people I don’t need to speak to ANYONE, why do you support a system that wants me DOPED up, you DON"T understand me"  

She is 100% against seeing anyone as she believes has no mental health issues. However in the same sentence she says she will see her GP about her mental health (she sees two GP'S about the same thing and switches between the two. They are at different clinics)

When she says "mental health issues" she has told me that it is to manage the one medication that she only takes "because if she stops taking it is against the law" (I thinks she means the "Mental Health Service")

She firmly believes that she is on a high dose to keep her "suppressed" by the system

One of the GP's she calls the family Dr so she started seeing the other Dr and specifically made a point that no one from "The family" (including me) is to be involved in her health. She told me the other day that this Dr has agreed to lower her dose? (She has blood tests for the level) (she gets the tests duplicated by both Dr's).

I listen everyday (for hours at a time) when she tells me about how she has/is treated by the system but if I say anything or offer advice I am told "I don’t understand".

3 years ago she had a hysterectomy (a tough experience for anyone to have to go through)

Looking back I think that is when her life began to turn.

She quit her job which was a government related full time job of 8 years "due to issues with other staff" despite them offering her help (she went on 6 months sick leave) after having 3 meetings with her boss (all of which she walked out of) they suggested she see the company Dr. Instead of the transfer that she requested they offered her "psychiatric counselling" and a mentor to help her return to work. Once again she walked out of the meeting. Despite this the company offered her leave without pay. At this point all she kept telling me was "why don't they leave me alone I've quit". I explained that she would have to put it in writing initially she refused but after a week .This really was the turning point, she quit her medication after our GP suggested additional medication. (At least she told the GP's she was going down this path) 

Sadly she ended up in hospital involuntarily where she agreed to take her medication they suggested that she take other medication but refused, On the basis that all "psychotic medications are toxic to her body"

After leaving hospital she went into a program for a few weeks but left when they said there was limited space for her to continue.

She continued to see a psychiatrist who persuaded her to give an addition "new medication" a try.

The result was fantastic.

Her persona changed she stopped talking about the past joined a fitness group and even thanked the psychiatrist saying she realized that she needed the new medication,

After six or eight weeks I came home from work and she said to me that she was not happy as she had been on the internet and said that the medication was used for patients with schizophrenia.

(It also said that it was used for bipolar but she told me to shut up when I mentioned that.)

The next day she said she was getting stomach convulsions due to the toxicity of the medication and stopped taking the new medication. (She stopped cold turkey and refused to at least talk to the psychiatrist.

Her next appointment with the psychiatrist did not go well (with my wife’s consent the psychiatrist invited me into the room) My wife told the psychiatrist that she was suffering serve side effects to which she was offered other ways to administer the medication or even try others. My wife refused (Which is her rite).

The next appointment she would not attended and eventually the psychiatrist phoned and said they would not be offering her any more appointments.

During the following months she complained of stomach convulsions and toxic effects to her body After numerous Dr's and two different hospital visits  (they found nothing wrong with her) They put it down to "irritable bowel syndrome"  Her convulsions where very physical and I was worried but I was told by a Doctor that they were psychological.

Since then she has been visited by a community nurse and has been assessed twice (once in hospital and once at home)

On one occasion she was laying down convulsing on the couch and talking about the past but when I invited the nurse in, immediately she stopped convulsing and explained away how she was feeling and she just had an infection. (True)

After they left her stomach started convulsing again, she lay down and just stared into space. After a while she got angry that "they" were worrying too much. And everybody was panicking about her.

The guilt and stress that i felt on even asking for someone to see her was terrible and realising she was "masking" made me want to tell the nurse what was really happening but I had to deal with that in silence.

My wife does attend a group for a few hours a couple of days a week but she does not want to even do that. She believes that she is has to go, otherwise “they” will make it harder for her to get work.

So now she is socially isolated and upset and asks me almost every day “Why do they want me like this? Why are they/you doing this to me and why won’t anyone help me get work? Because I only want a job? After then it back to talking about what everyone has done/is doing to her.

A few weeks ago I decided we both needed a break so I arranged for a few nights away in the country. We had a great time and I saw a glimmer of my wife relaxed and happy.

I wish I could help her but realise that she must help herself

I love her so much and want her to be at peace with herself, she deserves to be happy after a pretty lousy childhood. I will always be there for her regardless of what happens in the future

[ivana]

'

To be honest,and please ignore this is if you disagree,but some of the things you are doing could be driving your wife away from you and further from being willing to consider medicine.

I mean that from an objective perspective and not to indicate blame.

You mentioned that you listened to her for hours at a time but instead of offering advice have you ever really understood,sincerely agreed with and validated her experiences or empathised how you would feel if that happened to you?

Your wife has genuinly had some very negative and potentially traumatising experiences with mental health practitioners .For example they didnt even believe that her stomach symtomns could be physical or due to medication side effects and dismissed it as psychosomatic.This was hugely disrespectful on their part and potentiallly medical negligence.Numerous studies have shown that doctors often erronously dismiss patients with mental illnesses co existing physical symtoms as psychosomatic or prematurely say they are psychological instead of thoroughly consideirng it could be physical.

These negative experiences have possibly eroded her trust and that needs to be understood and dealt with first (with patience and not frustration) before she will be ready to move on to the next step of even considering that maybe not all practitioners are the same or are jerks who dont listen to her opinion or work as a team with her etc.

Its important for your wifes mental health that she has a stress free enviroment and is able to trust again both you and certain practitioners.

It soulds like doesnt fully trust you now either as she doesnt want you involved in appointments etc?

Try to have patience and gentleness with your wife because she may be more irrational or "hysterical" then before due to hormonal changes from the hysterectomy.

Maybe thats what caused her to not weigh up the risks vs benefits of the medication or try something else as suggested by the psychatrist.

Some of the genetic mutations in schizophrenia also overlap with bipolar and autism and intellectual disabilities so as you likely know some of the medications are used for variety of a different DSM diagnosises but your wife would perhaps be more lkely to receive that info positively from someone objective and not from yourself.

Saying "will seeing a counsellor now help" while shes in an emotional or angry state may be seen as antagonising her instead of helping and might instead fuel the fire.

Consider changing tact.

Instead of seeing your role as trying to get her help,instead see it as a loving,harmonious,very supportive husband whos goal is her happiness.

She needs to see you back her 100% whether in appointments or issues at work/with people in general.Which also means picking your battles well and sometimes agreeing with her just for the sake of peace and not beliveing a doctors word over her etc because even though your wife may seem irrational doctors can also be wrong/make errors.

Right now,she appears to have a low tolerance of when suggestions of "help" come from your mouth so maybe suggestions would be better coming from others- maybe could you direct her to this forum or something similar?

Maybe you could suggest she rejoins the exercise group (if she stopped) or another one or other similar activities but suggest it in a non threatening way.

Its great you both had a relaxing time in the country.While you cant probably afford to always do that is there a way that maybe you could recreate that peaceful and relaxing at your home maybe?

[Dd2]

I just joined. I am so relieved to know I’m not alone. This situation is very similar to mine. I did not know that the talking and talking was part of this illness. I just recently talked to my doctor and bipolar was a suggestion and the doctor wants to see him (he is our internist) but he won’t go, he has a cough so that was how I was going to get him there. He recently retired so now my husband says he is no longer his doctor he is going to find another.

[Eden1919]

@Ant1 i am not sure if you are going to like what i have to say but i am going to say it anyway... also please be assured it is nothing about you having done something wrong but it may just be uncomfortable to hear.

I have Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type so it is kind of like have bipolar and schizophrenia at the same time anyway you said your partner had had a few manic episodes (correct me if i am wrong) but in my experience mania is very powerful and can in some ways be addictive... you feel like you are on top of the world like you are really alive. you feel like nothing can stop you and you can achieve anything. it makes everything feel more intense but in a good way things smell, taste, sound, feel, look better and you are full of new and wonderful ideas you feel like you can think better and everything becomes clear and vivid in your mind. in my experience when you loose that feeling it feels like you have lost yourself like the mania feels like your full self your true self and when you come down you feel like a shell of your self like whole chunks of your are missing. it feels awful when it stops and very uncomfortable especially if you then become depressed. 

in my experience the medication has always put me into a depressive phase and made me feel utterly horrible to the point where i felt worse on it than off and would rather be gone than stay on the meds. the meds can make you slow they can make you sick they can make you constantly exhausted. they can really make you feel like it is not worth being around anymore if you have to be on them. they can ruin peoples lives. i am not saying this is the case for everyone but for some people, people like me they can make you feel worse than you have ever felt before. your partner may not feel comfortable or happy on them and so she may be refusing because of a bad experience with them. 

also i would like to point out that psychiatric abuse is a VERY real issue. i have been abused by psych professionals on multiple occasions and it is terrifiyng and distressing and absolutely horrible to experience so i absolutely believe your partner that she may have experienced this as i have seen it happen to so many people including my self on so many different occasions.

I think if she doesnt want to take meds that should be her choice but i do understand your need for boundries and perhaps just working on those for now could be a good step perhaps if you went to a couples counselling session and worked on your relationship and how to manage things in a way that is healthy for both of you then she might be willing to see someone that way or at least it my get her to be more considerate of your needs in the situation.