Lived Experience Forum

[deshift]

Hello Everyone!

It's always good to have something just for me, so I will tell a bit of my story, and maybe some of it will be told as I go. I never tell it the same way twice, and this time I want to focus on what I have achieved because of me, rather than focus on what has happened to me because of others, so if I drift off that path, please feel free to plonk me back on it!

I had a hard time being in my headspace since I can remember, I would wake from a dream and it would still be happening around me. I quickly figured out I had to keep my mouth shut to survive a very toxic small town inertia, and that feeling of being on my own, figuring things out on my own persisted into my mid thirties. Especially the shamanic experience I had in my late teens, that took me 14 years to condense into "Our intent proceeds the manifestation of your reality." I learned to meditate, and being a natural lucid dreamer, I could astral travel at will without even knowing it was some others' life time aspiration. 2 years ago I fought off and nearly eviscerated a sleep paralysis demon, which I could speak about at great length (another time). If it triggers you that dreams are real, and the realms are a place you can visit, then I apologise in advance, and maybe this thread isn't for you. But please do not attempt to gaslight me with notions such as "Dreams are all in your mind, they are an extension of, blah blah woof woof..." I am based in my spirituality, and unwavering in my resolve.

And that is the crux of what I'm not supposed to speak about, (but don't worry, I will resist from any mention of Harry Potter, or anything else that could frighten the muggles). Being diagnosed schizo; being detained and locked up for psychosis; being gaslit about the fundamental nature of reality; being forced to confess to falsehoods; being chemically controlled; stigmatised; discriminated; marginalised; institutionalised; ostracised; ridiculed; bullied; (and the rest which is more triggering for some); is like the only truth from Tyler Durden's character in Fight Club (the rest of the movie was deceitful)  but "... our war is a spiritual war, and our Great Depression, our lives." AND I SURVIVED IT ALL.


I asked for help when the time came to give in. I learned to love myself when I had hated it for so long. I practised compassion and cooperation and set boundaries, and then I gently enforced them. I closed people out of my space, and I let loving people in. I gave up on nightmares, and started listening to my guide. THEN  I started listening to my heart. I just finished a huge spiritual chapter in my life that has been running ongoing, without an end in sight for nearly 12 months, and I don't even know if I passed the final test, or if it's about to happen.

 I don't know if I will ever recover from shattering my mind, but I still live life like I did before, there's days where I don't suffer, and days where I'm laughing and cheering myself, and then there's days where I just look after myself with a little help from my support.

I hope I can contribute something here, and share in the feelings of your journeys you share with us all, and please don't hesitate to ask cooperative questions, I'm an open book for people that show me love, empathy, courage and authenticity.

😊
deshift

[hanami]

Hi @deshift 

You sound like you've lived a challenging but interesting life so far. Good on you for getting through the best you can. I'm fascinated with dreams. I recently read a book about lucid dreaming. I find it all really interesting. 

I hope to see you around!

Hanami

[deshift]

I generally don't ascribe to anything scientific, though I am well versed in its rhetoric. Copenhagen is a bane to honest intellectual thought, and the mainstream education and research system is inherently corrupt.

I did ask that maybe if people believe dreams are an extension of the mind, or that we explore our days events and process them at night, then they leave those opinions for another thread.

I walk the realms most other nights, and the natural laws of existence differ there than here. You can travel there if you have the means. It is a place that my conscious mind interacts with via whatever means, it is external to the vessel I reside in during my waking hours.

[deshift]

I want to say something here, but maybe it can wait. I hate being ambiguous, but the posts above in this thread have unsettled me, and I don't want to portray something  I will regret later. There is a reason I have support for a psychosocial disability and I want this thread to be about adaptive behaviour that I show to myself, instead of maladaptive reactions I show to others.

[deshift]

Awesome (sarcasm)

4 replies in, and my thread is a mess. It's really making my obsession for clean and simple communication reach levels of discomfort I suppose I came here for. It reminds me of the foul mess my cat hocked up at 5am, awoke me, which I then proceeded to step in as I fumbled for the light switch. Ironically, I dreamed about that which was a warning only yesterday, and I could not figure out what I needed a warning for. 

😔
deshift

[deshift]

@hanami 

Hello!

Thanks for your reply! Which book are you referring to? I find a lot of the "experts" on the internet at least, are not in line with the esoteric established notions of dreaming, and the impact that it has on our waking lives.

Have you tried lucid dreaming before? Were you successful?

😁
deshift

[deshift]

I'm trying really hard. Some days, trying is all I can do. I force myself to do things I know are healthy, and you fake it until you make it. Eventually you do things effortlessly for a while, and your time is pleasant. You enjoy your own company, and you get lots of stuff done. But today, I just hope I can play a few rounds of PGA Tour on my Xbox.

😎
deshift

[deshift]

Probably the main reason I jumped into these forums, is because I started to feel pretty lonely. Recently I attempted to reconnect with 2 people from my immediate past, when I was logging into my non-existent Facebook account to switch off the stupid email notifications it kept sending me.

For a little context, last year I got hacked completely. Everything was intruded or turned into oversized paperweights. I only made a Facebook account again to go out to local events. I didn't have any friends on there, except for my sister, who lives overseas. So when I logged in to switch off the emails, I had one message from a guy I met in hospital 5 years ago, and one from an ex girlfriend. The friend lasted an intense 6 days before I blocked them from within the safe confines of the UMHCC, and my ex about 3 weeks of her lying constantly and deceitfully buttering me up for the dark lord only knows why. I tried to set boundaries and she over-reacted, the next day I let her know her behaviour is socially unacceptable, and dangerous. She is completely vile and undesirable to me now, and I am finally over the intense feelings I had for her.

But these interactions has left me in a sorry state. I have support workers visit almost daily, but it isn't the same. I'm barely avoiding eating sugar and caffeine, and I'm counting the hours until I can get my SW to take me to ALDI to get cheap, healthy snacks.

So, please say hi, or leave a supportive thumbs up, it really brightens my day that I'm not all alone.

😕
deshift

[tyme]

Hey @deshift ,

Welcome to the forums. Thanks for sharing. It's great you have found us. 

Loneliness is hard. It gives you time to ruminate on unhelpful thoughts. I hear you have social workers, but it's not the same. By connecting on the forums, I hope you gain some connection and a sense of belonging.

See you around!