Lived Experience Forum

[dwoods77]

Hi crazy bug lady, ive been meaning to reply to this topic. I can relate to the confusion surrounding the diagnosis. I'm really not sure what to make of it. Hopefully wherever you are you can get some good help. im not sure what the situation is like near you but ive been told that through my community mental health centre there is at least a 12 month wait list for their DBT program so im kind of in limbo making do with my psychologist who is trying to work with me in the Meantime.

[Ellie]

Hi Shanc. Lets have another go at this since the last reply disappeared into the ether

Firstly, I'm also a perfectionist. I've lost a couple of jobs in my past because I insisted on them being exactly right to the millimeter. If I start a home project and it's not going right because I don't have the necessary equipment or it's taking to long to get it exact, then I get overwhelmed and shelve it for another time. The trouble is that once I leave a project for a week or so, then I never go back to it. My interests can change soooo quickly. It has to be something that I know I can do and it has to be going along a certain time frame, or I'll crack it and discard the entire project. Then I feel like a looser because I couldn't get it right. Then I get depressed because I'm useless and I spiral downwards.

As a nurse working in MH, I find the attitude of some of the long term nurses annoying and I get cranky with them. Not all. Some of them are amazing and I learn a lot from them however some of them have lost that caring attitude, if indeed they ever had it and just sit around earning more and more money so they can buy the latest and greatest SUV, go on a world cruise or add to the gold jewellery dripping off their fingers and necks. What really gets to me is when they start whinging that they're bored and there's nothing to do. I feel like yelling at them to put their coffee down, get out of the staff room and go talk to the clients, but I can't because not only do I not have that kind of confidence, I'm only a Div2 and these people are usually a couple of rungs up the ladder from me. I also only work part time so as not to put too much stress on myself. I need the career to give me an identity, but too much of it and I start to fall down which is what happened late last year. I had a melt-down at work and things have never been the same since.

Still, I get cranky enough so that my gaskets start to blow and people see another side of me that they don't like. Then the paranoia sets in and I think the whole workforce is out to get me. If I don't watch that, it can lead to a complete meltdown and loss of another career. It's happened so many times in the past. I was averaging one job every six months at one stage. Just lucky it was during those years when there were plenty of jobs around if you were prepared to take anything. I have learned a lot because of it though.

[Ellie]

Yes. I do love the work I do, but I have little input from my prospective. I sometimes become too great an advocate for the clients in my care and of course there's always someone with a big head who will shoot me down if they can get away with it. It causes more conflict than I can deal with at times and I really feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

Yet I know I'm also part of the problem. I try to manipulate staff in tiny little ways and they've seen it all before. It's their job to pick up on that kind of stuff. They see right through me and I feel angry because of that. I've never really thought too much about it until last nights BPD group meeting. The subject of manipulation came up and the penny kind of dropped. Yes, I do the things they were taking about and I didn't even realise I was manipulating others. Catching myself before I do it will be the tricky part, but I'm not sure I can even do that just yet. I'm a long way from remission and manipulation is one of my poor coping skills.

[Ellie]

That's why I love going to the BPD group in central Melbourne. I always felt alone and didn't really know why, but to walk into a room with maybe 12 others who feel the connection with everybody else is truly amazing. You can see the look on all the newcomer's faces when they walk through the door. Almost a look of terror, yet they soon feel at home and all because they're with people who suffer the same disorder. Not even SO's are allowed in, so it's private and safe and that's what we need to allow us to open up.

Yet strangely enough, for the most part of last night's meeting, I felt really anxious and kept "zoning out." I think it was down to the fact that I missed the January meeting because of work and they don't hold one in December. If I spend too long away from a group like that or an organisation of whatever kind, then after a couple of weeks or a month, I get so anxious about going back that I don't want to go. If I bail, then that's it. I can never return no matter what anybody says to try and convince me everything is ok.

No wonder I'm so alone, but at least I don't feel alone here, even though I'm not up to replying much.

[Alessandra1992]

Oh well done Ellie for giving yourself permission to go back to your group! Even though you may have felt zoned out, It still sounds as though you enjoyed your meeting..and that sense of "being at home" with a group of like minded individuals, our peers of lived experience, well there' s nothing else quite like it 🙂 I miss my group when I can't get to it and get anxious when I go back..will there be new members I don't know?

[shanc]

@Ellie
Thank you very much for your response and taking the time to respond with such depth, which all of us can appreciate. Also for retyping the message as that in itself can be very annoying.

In my 20's I was very stressed when being a Director of a childcare centre. Couldn't deal with people not working hard or in fact doing what their job title was. I not only took off, I left the country and travelled, parties and took lots of drugs. Now after seeing professionals over the past 2 years I see that as part of my MI. The stories of @Ellie and crazy big lady have helped me also so thank you. As a worker I am a perfectionist.. Out of work very opposite.. Thinking it may be due to no self worth or self esteem.. Thank you again for taking the time and @Ellie for retyping the message

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Hi guys, quick update.
The Doctor called this morning, he's received my report. So I'll prolly try and see him tonight after work.
Except this week has been bad for me, and I've had a few slip ups with my SH... Which I feel bad about. And I sorta don't want him to see I've failed. But I don't want to put this off till its healed...

[kato]

@Crazy_Bug_Lady 

Hi CBL - shortened your forum name... if that's alright?

That's excellent that the Dr has called you, i know how much you were wanting to find out about it.

As my psychologist tells me, slipping up unfortunately can happen, but it is best not to beat ourselves up over when we do.... i have been lucky and haven't slipped up in regards to my drug use, altho, i haven't really been very sociable as of late, my main dread is getting back in touch with friends, and then re-lapsing, but i have been told that it can and might happen, but i do need to work on a few things to help alleviate the wanting.

How did you go, did you see your Dr? how did you go with it all? if your up to talking about it?

I usually need a day or two after seeing my psychologist just to process things, i saw her yesterday and am slowly wrapping my head around everything.

[Ellie]

Hi Crazy Bug Lady.

Don't worry about the odd slip up here and there. Sometimes life or situations become overwhelming and this is just one of the ways you cope. I hope the report from your Dr was helpful. I notice your post was yesterday. Please let us know how you got on.

Ellie.

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

Hey @kato 

I did go and see him yesterday. I wasn't coping too well at work, so I left early. I never get really sick, so I only ever really use sick leave for mental health reasons. Thankfully my boss is quite understanding, and I've told her pretty much everything that's been going on, so she's a champ.

GP saw my SH and said provided I continued to keep it clean and covered it'll be fine. I always worry that I'll get in trouble or something, considering the first time I saw a GP about it last year she smacked me and yelled at me (at clearly didn't realise it was self inflicted). After discovering I was allergic to the antibiotics I had to go back, and saw the GP I have currently, who is brilliant.

When my GP saw me in the waiting room he printed out a copy of the report for me to read. And my Psychologist came over and said hi, and that he was glad I had decided to continue seeing him for help. 🙂

It kinda stings a bit to see your life laid out on two A4 pages, but everything she wrote is pretty much spot on. I was amused to read that I 'maintained reasonably good eye contact', I didn't think I even looked her in eyes. 😛

It says I suffer from an adjustment disorder(?) with depressed mood, recovering from a major depressive episode, complicated by long standing social anxiety on a background of bpd traits.

She requested a CT scan and full bloodwork. She also wants me to keep seeing my psychologist. She also wants me to do DBT and CBT.

I had the CT scan yesterday, I never want to do that again. And the bloods too. Turns out I'm fine with needles if I watch. 😛

I'm not quite sure what happens now, but I'm finally starting to feel like we're somewhere. Like I know what I'm up against and can prepare for battle. I just need to get some better weapons 😛