Honestly no one needs to write anything back if they don't want to. I feel bad because I havent been on here for ages. I really appreciate eveyones kind words. They really helped me a lot. For me writing my thoughts is a good way to get everything out as I don't have anyone to talk to.
Since last tme, me and my partner starting talking, but nothing was said about my depression. We were getting along and he is on break from work for this week. Everything was really good at the start of the week and we were so excited about the baby and the future. All the scans showed everything was ok so that was a major relief. Then Tuesday night it all went wrong. It was over something so stupid (doing the washing). I thought I would be helpful and put a load on while he was at the gym to help out. But when he came back he started swearing and carrying on about how I should have waited so he could wash his gym clothes. It wasn't directed at me but it was loud enough so I would hear it. It wasn't really a big deal put another load on. I started getting upset cos he wouldn't talk to me after that just ignored me. So I asked him what his problem was and why was it such a big deal. He said it was nothing and not worry about it. Then I started crying. A normal person probably would have let it go, but I can't. When I'm in a depressive mood it hits me 20 times harder. He told me not to cry and patted my leg. Then went to sleep. I cried all night. The suicide thoughts came back.
The next morning, I just couldn't getout of bed, I was crying and he just walked away like I was being a drama queen. I had to initiate a conversation with him and told him that I don't like being spoken to in a nasty way and that it was something really trivial. He said he wasn't being nasty and he just had a moment. He also laughed like it was all a joke. I'm crying my eyes out, how is that a joke.?? I so badly wanted to tell him that my depression was back and I wasn't ok and that I was starting to get suicidal thoughts but I just couldn't. In my head I knew what I wanted to say, I wanted him to call the doctor or my brother so they could get me help, but the words wouldn't come out. I just said that I felt like I wasn't good enough and nothing I did was ever good enough. Partly I didn’t say anything cos he never really addrssed the email I sent him about being depressed.
We made up but the rest of the day and night was strained.
Thursday we had the midwife appointment. I had to do this multiple choice on depression. I was gonna cheat and circle all the positive answers,but then I thought no I will be honest. So I circled all the answers as to how I was really feeling. It was hard because my partner was at the appointment as well. She added up all the points and it indicated that I was depressed. She asked me if it was since I was pregnant and I said no. She looked so caring and like she believed me that I broke down in tears. She didn't laugh at me she was taking it seriously. She asked me if I was feeling like that before the baby and I said yes. She asked if I was like this for quite some time and I said yes. If I got any help for it, no. If I would like help, yes. It was such a relief. So she gave me a referral form for my gp to fill out. My partner just sat there. Didn't reach out or say anything in support. I couldn't look at him.
The whole day was strained and he didn't say anything about it. Just small talk, but I was quiet the whole day. Didn't know what to say my spark just gone. I feel so let down again. No understanding. Nothing. Bought baby furniture, but I'm not excited, keep thinking why bother I probably won't be here to use it. Bad thoughts are in my head again. Still haven't told anyone about the baby. I'm just not excited.
Been thinking about ending the relationship. I just want someone to understand and be there for me. To hug me, ask me what's wrong and tell me everything is going to be ok, we will work through it. I'm so confused about things. My head is a mess.
The only good thing about the past few days is im going to be getting some help thanks to the mid wife.
Call us on 0477 453 264
Murdoch University Clinic (Ages 18+) - Ph: 0477 453 264
