Tillogram

[Till23]

Good evening @AuntGlow I hope you are going as well as possible given the general busyness of the forums. It seems you PSWs hardly get a chance to take a sip of coffee/tea/beverage of choice!

Thank you for our response

I am not feeling very well tonight.

Yes there are several things I would never share on the forums or in public in general. I am always aware that anyone can read the forums even without an account, hence the first two lines of many posts are deliberately bland.

The nervousness of early in the evening became more panicking as evening wore on, hence difficult sleep.

Tonight I feel sad, confused, Not Good Enough is high, very tired now adrenaline has dropped kind of like I've hit a wall.

Due to attachment problems - most likely disorganised attachment style. It was my thought that a stable therapeutic relationship would be needed and I have for once in my life invested in this relationship rather than avoiding anything. So yes I am feeling a bit abandoned.

Sorry complex post!

[Till23]

Thank you sharing a little bit about your experiences @tyme I am aware of your diagnosis as you mention it a bit when supporting other people, which I actually find very helpful. As you know cPTSD and BPD have huge overlap and some people argue cPTSD is just the new name for BPD. I do not think they are the same condition but agree there is huge overlap.

As cPTSD is almost always a sequelae of childhood trauma there is also often huge attachment issues.

I have been seeing this psych since early 2022 it has been off and on because initially I saw her as part of my cancer. The first time she discharged me (that was easy explanation because psycho-oncology is session limited, so I knew that when I started)  Then I got cancer again and I was allowed to see her during that round of treatments at psycho-oncology. That separation was hard but not too terrible and I was again referred out.

Are you saying this treatment you had, had an in built therapeutic rupture?

[tyme]

Very very interesting. Thank you for taking the time to share and explaining your journey to get to where you are now.

With my therapy, there was A LOT of work done as part of the inevitable rupture. We spoke about it for weeks. I remember some sessions, I was so angry that I had invested all this time and energy to 'trust' someone, only to have that relationship end. 

My clinician was very skilled. We workshopped it together, and part of this was staying consistent about when the program would end, but also providing flexibility to stagger the end so that I saw him less and less until the program ended. 

Ultimately, I took a different route. I chose to see him all the more and 'make the most of' the last sessions I had with him. 

And yes, it was painful, but I had to come to terms with this rupture - that it was inevitable, no matter how much I screamed, cried, got angry, suicidal, etc. 

And yes, there was a therapeutic element to that - in that there are things in life we don't like but we have to accept when it comes to relationships. @Till23 

[Till23]

Ha @tyme good on you - I love it when people underestimate you then you just gently do something that completely shows the up and they are kind of stuck in a situation of their own making. I suppose that's a bit mean on my part, but......

Yes it's hardly in the "textbook of adult learning" to put people down in public and talk down to people hardly makes for an open, inclusive and safe learning envirinment. Among my academic qualifications I do have a graduate diploma in University level Education from a sandstone uni where I was already a Lecturer in a healthcare faculty. I have to say that I do actually think I am good at teaching and every year for several years was voted by students as best lecturer (even before I did the Grad Dip - that was paid for by my faculty as a kind of thank you for teaching ability).

I think my super power there was being able to remember what it was like when I was at the student's stage ie remembering what it was like when I didn't know and not talking at too high a level at them, but including them in their own learning but gently and using humour and everyday examples and recognising that everyone learns differently and at different speeds and saying over and over if you ahve a question at least 10%, but on average 30% of other swill have the same questions - there are no "stupid" questions. I was pretty happy when I was teaching.

[tyme]

Totally @Till23  about shocking people. They think you're not listening and then you give the best responses that shock the whole room!

I could totally see you teaching! Is there a chance you go back to it? By the way you told the story, I can see how much teaching meant to you and how much it meant to your students!

When you think about it, it wasn't all that long ago that kids who had difficulties in areas of learning were excluded or put in institutions. We 'think' we have moved with the times, but there's still a lot of learning to be done.

[Till23]

I loved uni level teaching @tyme I don't think I'd be good at primary (maybe ok at infants) or high school teaching.

I was lucky that the course I taught in had very motivated students, so I didn't have to put up with students that were just there to fill up their units to get their degree and weren't really interested in the material.

I also loved the subjects I taught and most of the teaching time I was also doing a professional job that I loved, although it was stressful as h3ll (I have PTSD from it, as do many people in that job) but I loved the job.

It was teaching the next generation of professionals and it was giving back to the community for allowing me to go to uni (although I had to pay fees, it's not what it costs to put the degree on), I felt I had a purpose and a meaning for my life. 

I put a lot into it, but got a lot out of it. 

I did do it to a degree on the job for new people. I did think about going back into it part-time when I retired, but due to decline in MH I have felt I have been able to.

There has fortunately been a lot of understanding in "special education" but not enough for "ordinary" students that don't get to special ed, but are different from their class mates.

Thanks for chatting to me tonight, remembering my teaching days has lifted my mood.

[tyme]

That's so so powerful. I look forward to hearing more when we chat next time. You've certainly done so much in your life!

You are such an inspiration 🙂

I'm clocking off now. I'll see you tomorrow @Till23 

[Till23]

With regard to your treatment @tyme, and obviously you do not have to answer this but, it's interesting to me, just because it is, but also because of the overlap between conditions. I was jsut wondering if you did that kind of inpatient DBT program they used to have (maybe still do) about 15 weeks long or soemthing (I know you are in a different state).

I have avoided close relationships, I have a fair amount of acquaintances, but not many friends. So I have not really needed to navigate the end of a close relationship, even though I know this one must end at some time.

Of course I have recently lost my Dad, but once you get to a certain age you know that you are very likely to outlast your parents, and he had cancer for a long time, so I had some adjustment time, even though it was quick at the end.

[Till23]

Hope you have a good rest before your next shift @tyme 

[AuntGlow]

Thank you @Till23! 💛

I can see you've been having some really wonderful conversations with @tyme. 

Did you end up sleeping okay last night? And how is anxiety sitting with you today? 

I get that and you are allowed to share as much or as little as you'd like with us. 

And not complex at all! It makes so much sense to me. To have shown up fully and trusting, only to feel like you were abandoned would have been such a painful experience... you're allowed to feel whatever is coming up for you.

How can you soothe and nurture this part of you that is feeling vulnerable right now? 

Also... if you feel like answering, I am curious to know what you gained from showing up with less avoidance?  🥰