Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Hills]

My 18 yr old has hit a wall - won't get help, is constantly elevated and combative but it's becoming worse. When he's gone (disappears for days on end to a friends house as we live rurally, which he apparently hates) the rest of the family sighs with relief. Everything is my fault, and while I know it's not true, it's worn me down and I don't always stay calm in the face of his accusations and rants. He threatened violence today and while I don't believe he'd follow through, I no longer know what to do. Any advice? It's getting hard to keep my head above my own depression.

[Zahlia]

Hi @Hills 

I'm Zahlia, one of the moderators here. Firstly, I'd like to give you a big warm welcome to the SANE forums. I hope you find some comfort in talking to others in similar situations. Let me know if you have any troubles navigating around 🙂

Wow, it sounds like you have been going through so much stress with your son. It is so hard when you are blamed for everything, so I can understand why it's worn you down and you are feeling so low. In saying that, threatening violence is never ok ... You may not believe he would never go through with it, but what happens if one day he becomes so elevated he snaps? As your son is living under your roof, does he have any boundaries/ rules? Have you talked with him about possibly seeing a psychologist? 

There comes a point where it gets too much for our own emotional wellbeing. What are you doing to take care of yourself (and rest of the family if there is any)? 

Looking forward to hearing more about you

Zahlia

[Hills]

Hi Zahlia
It's a great relief to find others are going through similar stuff - I often think it's just us alone. Our extended family don't cope with anything that's not picture perfect and I am wary of leaning on friends too much. When this boy is good - he's great: funny, smart, affectionate, but we hardly see that kid anymore. He couldn't finish school and has struggled to find work. I watch him cycle through the sunny version and then he's scornful, aggressive and despises us. Last time I managed to talk him into getting a mental health assessment - but he's done nothing with it. I'm certain drugs are a large part of these mood swings. We set boundaries and he ignores them - he leaves when we confront him about them, but once he's worn out his welcome elsewhere he's back home again and resenting us for it.
Everything is everyone else's fault and now he's making things up about my poor parenting in the past. He has always been a handful, and was finally diagnosed with ADHD but has always refused any help or support offered. He won't talk to strangers because he can just talk to me. He's legally an adult and I feel so ham strung. I work part time now due to the stress of trying to manage him. His siblings look forward to seeing the back of him. I have seen a counsellor in the past who told me I have to take care of myself, but (and this sounds silly) I don't really know how to do that because what I'd really
Like to do is run away from it all 🙂 oh my god, I've written an essay!
Thanks Zahlia for listening.

[Zahlia]

Hi @Hills

It could possibly be a drug issue, all the mood swings and aggressiveness. If you need someone to talk to about drugs, the Family Drug Helpline is a really good resource to lean on. They would give you great advice in how to deal with him and his drug use. But then again, it could be due to mental health issues, which seeing a specialist would be the best option (one I can see he doesn not really want to do...)

What type of boundaries do you have for him? Is there consequences for breaking those boundaries? 
He seems to be blaming everything in his life on everyone else, and not taking any responsibility at all for his behaviour. Do you have support from your partner? I totally understand about not being able to confide in family, sometimes we just don't have that option as we get looked down on or judged. 

Taking care of yourself can be the simplest things. Just taking an hour or so of your day and devoting all that time to yourself. I love taking a nice hot bath, reading a good book and going for a walk (when the weather is good of course!) 
You sound like a very strong and caring mother Hills.

always here to listen

Zahlia

[pip]

Hi Hills. You have a major serious situation here. At 18 your son is no longer classed a 'minor'. You mentioned you've set boundaries, which he has totally ignored. He's ignored them, unfortunately, because you have not adhered to them. Sorry to hurt you here, but with any substance abuse, a firm hand and 'follow-up' is essential. I would consider giving him an ultimatum, either he gets help, NOW, or he's out, permanently. Sometimes 'tough' love and 'standing by' the decision is the only course left. You cannot live in the situation where you never know what's around the corner. You have other family to consider and he is not in charge, you are. Another course of action would be to contact the police and ask them how to deal with him. Just explain his age, the suspected drug abuse and his volatile nature. Your counsellor was right in that you do need to care for you, but by not giving you guidance on how, that's proved easier said. Any substance abuse needs the right help. It's possible you may be able to get him admitted to a clinic, but, at 18, I'm not sure about the legal ramifications. However, as I said, the first thing is to FIRMLY set your boundaries, when/if he ignores/breaks, he's OUT, no forgiveness, apologies, he's out. If he wants to return it's on YOUR terms and conditions. If he does become violent, call the police, he needs to know his actions are no longer tolerable.

[pip]

Hi Hills. You have a serious problem here. At 18, your son is legally responsible for his actions. With substance abuse, however his actions are not really proving to be very 'legal'. Unfortunately, even though you've tried setting boundaries, he's been allowed to ignore them, due to threats of violence. I think you need to let him know firmly, no more. Set boundaries and stand by them. No negotiation unless he agrees to your terms. It's your home, and you have other family to consider. Perhaps you could have a conference with other family (with or without him) and ask how they would feel about him being told to 'shape up', or 'ship out'. Tell him firmly, either he gets help, or he's out. If he threatens violence tell him the police will be called and he does chance being arrested. I know he's your son and you love him, but to care for you (as your counsellor said), You need to be extremely firm and stand by your decision.

[Hills]

I hear you Pip. You've said all the things I know are true. He generally takes off when he know he's crossed the line, and living on the border of two states has proved tricky with calling the cops believe it or not. One state doesn't want to have to come if they're to deliver him to the other. You're right, I haven't taken a harder line: his dad is here three out of four weeks and he chooses the times his dad's away to act out. I feel powerless.

[Appleblossom]

I watched a lot of this kind of thing with my mother and brother. She did not know what drugs were and he was growing it in cupboards and in the garden etc.

The first time I saw them ... in a cupboard ... it was about 10 years after i had stopped using drugs myself ..  they wre everywhere .. I had to still love him for his attention to detail in his illicit project .. but I also warned him it wasnt fair on mum ... then she started to catch on ... when the cousin visited etc ... or he went to such and such .. I dont know about a lot of it ... but she did take out an intervention order on him. I dont hink she ever regretted that and I never blamed her, she endured a lot.

It can be tricky and I am not sure that you have done the wrong thing.  I believe in tough love with lashings of Gentler and humourous LOVE.

I told such scary drug stories to my own children it has never been an issue ... they are not interested. But drugs arent the only parenting issue.

I told my son I would trust him but if he lied to me that it was on his conscience. I made a determined to trust and reach out with love .. that said, I do challenge him sometimes .. as it does nobody favours if they think they can fool you.

As there are a lot of positive qualities in your son, and you are dealing with it as a woman alone a lot.

can I ask what is the height differnce ...

My son is 6'5" and I am no match ... so I tried to catch him better moods and started gentle ridiculous play fights .. I was terrified my son might turn violent ... cos of my background ... but he hasnt and I adore that in him. So that it became funny ... My mother was a bit self righteous with my brother and it became a wall between them.

I hear your affection for your son ... try and catch it in him still.

That said, drugs these days are strong and toxic and you can make a clear stand.

Policing it is another question. You dont live in a lock up ward, with burly men and reinforced doors and lots of keys .. and nor should you ...

His dad should take up some of the slack ..

The other day I was walking in the park and there was a young family with a 3yo boy. The child was acting out action hero moves .. and the dad was playing and laughing BUT ALSO talking about not being violent ... this worked and the child was pre-school ... we need more dads like that and I told him.

Good Luck .. it can be a very delicate line to walk ... blame or self whipping are little use ..

Take care

[pip]

Dear Hills. Is his father aware of the situation? It is difficult when someone chooses to go interstate to escape the law. However, breaking the law with drug use is illegal, regardless of where you are, unless a certain town on the border of Qld and N.S.W. But if you are taking drugs out of state, that too is illegal. If he is bringing them into your home, whether you are aware or not, you do have the right to ask him to allow you to search him? When he's in your home, you call the shots, not him. Another thing you could try. Ring a lawyer (you can get up to 20 minutes free time), get some legal advise, so you have a clearer idea what you can do. I would also definitely ask his father to help on this one. The long term use of drugs can be catastrophic, however, your son is not going to listen you. At 18, unfortunately he thinks he knows best. If he is arrested interstate, he may not necessarily be brought home. He can be charged no matter where he's arrested. They arrest him, charge him, he then faces court, whereupon he will either be extradited home, or possibly face jail where he was arrested. If he is arrested interstate, you will be notified, you have the right to refuse him to come home. Sorry if I seem harsh, I'm thinking of you and your family. He needs help, so do you. If you refuse to accept him home, he then becomes the responsibility of wherever he was arrested.

[Hills]

Appleblossom, your story sounds very familiar in many ways - I try and use love and humor as much as possible, but I can get a little self righteous when pushed. I've been waiting for those more positive days to talk to him, but there haven't been any for months now - which is a first. He's much bigger than me and his dad, at 6'4. And his dad, who is a quiet, mild person has admitted he is fearful of him. I am not...but I am fearful for him. He openly says he hates living here, but still returns over and over. We are at a loss as to how to enforce a boundary of behaviour when he is bigger and stronger and irrational. I can't imagine cops will come just because we think he's being disrespectful. What's the intervention order your mum used with your brother? Thanks again, you're helping me take a step back and assess my options, but I gotta admit this kindness makes me cry.