Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Determined]

I'm not actually looking for any feedback here just needing to unload some of my thoughts around this as there is no one I can talk to who could begin to understand. And please, I do not want to come across as negative about my wife, I am just trying to get myself in the right frame of mind so that I can not be too reactive and be able to best support my darling in the transition

My wife has been in hospital (private hospital mental health unit) for 2 weeks now following admission for suicidal thoughts / behaviour. At her last meeting with the admitting dr she is determined that she will be coming home next Tuesday. I thought she would be there at least another week.  I should be excited right??? for some reason however this is making me anxious.

Firstly I thought that it was subject to review next Tuesday but my darling is only hearing what she wants to and is determined to come home regardless and has told the children she will be home also even though I asked her not to...
so what happens now if the doc does not want to discharge her on Tuesday ??? not only do I have to deal with my darlings potential meltdown (I saw the state she was in when denied a weekend pass) but also our children. They will be devastated. one in particular is already off me for 'sending mummy away' and 'letting the dr do experiments on her' (don't know where that one came from?) they miss her so much and want her home, I am just a little annoyed that she has put me in this position. she does not have to deal with the fall out if things don't go to plan 😞 

Then when she does come home I am worried about the transition. This has not gone well in the past and she is already getting excited about how well I have packed away the washing and is it in the correct colour order and facing left not right or whatever 😞  why haven't I mowed the grass (seriously, when have I had the time to do that whit everything else that is going on. 

Further to this I have plans for Wednesday and if things go pear shaped on Tuesday it will be another instance where I have to opt out of doing something for myself in order to keep my darling happy/ safe. (is it selfish to think like this?)
At the very least put being discharged off till Thursday, but she is not interested in hearing that. 

I was hoping to see the dr while visiting today to discuss my concerns but he didn't show up so now hanging out for Monday. I want more than anything to have my darling home but at the right time and in the right mind space. 
I have explained to my darling my concerns but she thinks she is fine and I overacted in having her admitted in the first place. Just really hoping things go well and frantically trying to get the house in order. (Housework has been lacking as I have been wasted driving 3 hours a day to visit her with our baby). 

I love my wife and sooooo much want her home but want it to go well also. I just wish it did not bother me so much that she is coming home early 😞

Will let you all know how it all goes. Thank you for listening.

[Former-Member]

Hey @Determined
Am hearing you Bro. When Mr Darcy was an inpatient he was fixated on coming home. All I could say to him was we needed to follow doctors orders, though in our case he was on a treatment order so we had no choice. As his discharge was post attempt I was terrified; I knew once he got home it would not take long for the novelty to wear off. At times, him being in hospital was a bit of respite for me. Housework is not my specialty either.

I think after his attempt the thought of Mr Darcy's discharge terrified me and I felt ill equipped to deal with the situation. The crushing reality of mental illness still sometimes weighs down on me. Living grief that tears at my heart, wanting so much more for the one I love and for us. I don't think that is selfish.

Could you get back up support for next Wednesday?

Jury is out in relation to how Mr Darcy is going. Don't have a good gut feeling about a few things...

Will leave you with the last lines of Tennyson's Ulysses

Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho' we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are; one equal temper of heroic hearts, made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Darcy

[Former-Member]

Hey @Determined
Trust your family day goes well. Enjoy these precious times. Take photos, eat a second icecream ...
Darcy

[Shaz51]

Hello @Determined

 I know

last time hubby was in hospital , they said he would be there for three weeks, but after one week they said he can go home

But he had to take time off work -- we are self employed , but hubby didn`t when we got home

My step children were concerned about the situation

[Determined]

Hi @Shaz51, @Former-Member

Family day went well yesterday although my darling tired early in the afternoon so I had to leave early with the children so she could rest. I went again this ave with bub (big boys stayed with nan and pop as they don't like the long drive) and she seemed a little better. 

I am still convinced it is way too early to come home but understand she is homesick and a little more confident we will manage. She has agreed to come with me on Wednesday to the uni where I am doing some volunteer work so that she is not home alone so I am a lot  happier about that 🙂 we just have to wait and see how it goes with the pdoc tomorrow. 😐

Sorry if I am oversharing, it helps a lot to talk it through so appreciate you 'listening' 

Trust all is well for you both 

[Shaz51]

Hello @Determined xx

It is good to talk about  it my friend

Last time I remember the specialist and the doctor`s wanted to see me first to talk about if I thought he was ready to come home

I didn`t hve much experience in this at all and Hubby looked ok

My step daughter had been through it before and to her , her dad looked ok

I was not sure , so the doctor said we will moved him to another place for 2 weeks program which I thought would be really good for him  ,

but because hubby went to the hospital by  himself , he did not have to do the program -- so Hubby said no !!

[Determined]

So I just got a text from my darling and she is definitely coming home tomorrow. Doc came early before I arrived for my visit so I did not get to talk to him.
It makes sense @Shaz51 what you said about the doc talking to you first before a decision was made. I actually asked to be included in this decision but it did not happen 😠
I'm only the person who has to create a safe enviornment for my darling. Dont get me wrong, I want my darling home more than anything else I just dont believe she is ready yet. Feeling a bit angry about it all at the moment. I just dont understand how a primary support person is not included in the discussion about coming home. Too bad if I dont have the capacity to deal with it if it goes bad. Unfortunately my darling is more interested in what she wants at the moment and not what is best for our family. I asked her to at least delay until Friday but she was not interested.

On a positive note... I am so not going to miss the drive coming down to visit every day. Bit over the driving. 🙂 and i was not looking forward to telling the children if she was not coming home.

I'm sure it will all go ok. Just not happy about not being included in the discuasion about moving forward and a little anxious about the transition to home as this has not been particually smoothe in the past 😞

Sorry about the rant. Just trying to take it all on at the moment.

[Former-Member]

Hey @Determined

It is important that you verbalise these things in this safe place. Feeling ill-equipped, scared and alone are feelings I can relate to, the transition home is a time of heightened emotions and expectations, hoping that things will better, fearing they won't.

After a lengthy hospitalisation (in part due to trauma from his attempt) and only one night at home, I got called to a meeting to say hubby was being discharged providing a further night at home went OK. Mr Darcy was present to so was not free to ask questions and he too was naturally keen to get home. There was nothing that gave me any indication that Mr Darcy had any hope and I was so afraid.

Think it was @perseverer in another thread who stressed the need to ensure adequate after care is in place on discharge and follow up appointments in place (we also have a safety plan). I hope things are in place for your darling.

On that note, despite feeling left out of planning, I must say I cannot fault the follow up processes that were put into place by the public hospital (pdoc called in at home morning following discharge, weekly follow up etc).

Will be thinking of you, praying you will have courage and strength.

Darcy

[Determined]

Hi @Former-Member, @Shaz51

Thank you for your replies. I woke this morning feeling a lot less agitated than yesterday even though I had very little sleep. I probably over reacted a little yesterday, I was just anxious and angry that the process that I thought was agreed to was not followed. (Being sleep deprived doesn't help) I was suposed to be included in the review prior to discharge but was not so did not get to ask the what if questions. 

As far as a follow up Darcy, we have  pdoc app in 1 week and an unrelated gp app on Monday. 1 week is a long time if things don't go well 😣 though .

My darling has also agreed at my requests to enrol in a day program starting in 2 weeks (group therapy) it means more driving but is somthing that helped a lot previously. 

Outside of this some ladies from church are keen to spend some time with her to support and encourage her.

When I arrived yo collect her this morning she was most excited to be leaving and while she got quite anxious on the drive home was ok when we arrived. I had to leave soon after for school run and was concerned what I would return to but came back to happy smiles 😀 so happy about this and trusting it will continue.

Thank you both for listening and thankyou for your prayers Darcy. 

[Determined]

Added note
I will be glad not to have the daily drive to visit now. I was going to have to find someone to drive for me before too much longer. The drive home this afternoon was a little 'exciting' for my poor darling lol