Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi @Wanderer i can imagine how awful the things going on with your wife must be and that that alone would be hard enough to cope with without masses of other stuff going on. There's lots that i also can't share on the forums and so when i say things are hard or mention something its often like you say... only the top of the iceberg of whats wrong in my world.
I'm glad that you're not at risk of harm but still feeling as though you deserve some support where you could possibly be more open with the details like lifeline or the sane helpline.. sometimes just being able to 'tell' someone helps (though i often find it hard to tell anyone anyway!)...
I'm so glad you have people around who you can trust to help you and that your daughter is coming soon. Will be here listening @Wanderer

[frog]

@Wanderer I'm sad to hear of how much pain you're in. Emotional pain can be crippling. It's good you have people around you. Don't be afraid to lean on them at this time. I suffered a terrible blow when my husband left, suddenly and out of the blue. That was over 4 years ago now, and I've found my feet. It's very very hard when you have invested so much in a relationship. I feel for you and really hope you get some sleep tonight.

[Shaz51]

here for you @Wanderer 

sitting and listening my friend

[Former-Member]

@Wanderer

I care about you, & we both have Chronic pain. So looks like we can relate to each other in painful way!
Just trying to make you smile. 🙂

I know I need to smile, I just ate 3 chocolate coated ice-creams, plus my dinner, yet I'm still alive. I thought I might eat my silly painful self into Heaven, but alas, I think I will have to do better next time, as my tummy can not handle anymore?
Food therapy, for the painfully qwazy Bella at this moment in time, has not worked.
Take note all from one with a bloated tummy!<<<<<<<me 😛

PS
It just a thang I'm going through, so don't worry its going to pass & I will be back to being boring again! 😞

Love & Hugs!
Bella xo 🙂

(((((((Wanderer)))))))

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Wanderer ..... my marital ship has run aground ..... hubby has had an undiagnosed, untreated mi for many years now and the mi has taken up residence like a mistress ..... and altered who he is so much.  

For the sake of our adult kids still at home, preserving what remains of the life weworked so hard to build together, and to not destroy the cache of haapy memories we all cherish, we have opted for a sort-of “just friends” scenario ..... so we are functional and can continue co-parenting with all the challenges the mi brings with it ...... and which he has no insight into at all.

I grieved hard in the early years of this wilderness .... trying  to flag down an intervention that to this day has not arrived .... and have surfaced into a sense of resignation that comes with finding a life within a life .....

I am so sorry to hear what is happening for you.  Sharing what I have above is to try to give an understanding that perhaps it’s not so much the death of the relationship as a time to reconfigure it to some degree.  If your wife is no longer interested in the idea of being married, perhaps with the help of a counsellor you can work out together what it is she IS looking for ..... and what that means to you.  

Perhaps co-habiting as friends could work for you.  Only the two of you can work that out .... and maybe in the process of working it out you can find each other again.

Our situation (the mi) will surface at some stage ..... it’s nature is one that cannot remain hidden indefinitely because it takes a progressively physical toll ..... and I still hold a flicker of hope that when what’s-what is discovered, diagnosed, treated, and a new status quo has emerged ..... restoration will be part of that picture somewhere .... although in what form, who can know ?

Hearing you, and I have hope for you that something will work out for the better.

Cyber hugs incoming ......

[Wanderer]

X

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Wanderer ..... can relate more, the more you say .....

Have a lack of empathy gene in the in-law background here too ..... and control issues have been as excessive as other behaviours.  There is a personality type we are dealing with, that has genetic links which have triggered in a couple of our kids.  Fortunately the values learning they have received helps to temper it, and gives an inroad to treating it.  Other family members are unable to recognise issues and exist within destructive power dynamics, such as your father-in-law exhibits.

Sounds like something akin is in your wife’s background, and as was in our case, was already there.  A midlife crisis caused emotional and behavioural changes that are far more dysfunctional, but still concealed in “socially acceptable” formats .... but it undoes the relationships ..... and the sense of helplessness to do anything to stop it is debilitating.

Your wife, even by sitting in the car on her phone while you are at the beach with your daughter, is resetting boundaries ..... she is deciding how she is going to live within your environment ..... and your “choice” will be whether to accept that or not ..... and sometimes, as in our situation, it’s not really a choice ..... it’s, “accept my patterns of behaviour and control, or leave” ..... when leaving would incur a firestorm that destroys what remains of stability for the kids (for a time at least) and happiness past, present, and future.

I expect what I am writing is fully recognisable to you .....here is what I have done ....

Sought outside help / intervention wherever possible, which has meant psychologist support for the rest of us, not hubby, who doesn’t recognise a need for it.

Drew back to a position (as far as humanly possible) of firm but polite boundaries, which I can hear you are doing also.

Endeavoured to listen, and empathise where appropriate, but ignore all of the pathological behaviours as much as I can.  Continuing to acknowledge them after early discussions about needing counselling and treatment only feeds the dysfunction.  Can hear that that is where you are coming from too.

Have taken up the challenge to pursue my own interests so as to reduce the focus on what I can’t change, and work on self-development and my own health needs.  Writing your book is that ..... well done .... no small feat !!

The forums have been invaluable to me as a support, and an opportunity to help support others while the ability to help myself and my family is so limited, and there is a panacea in doing that.

So glad you found us.  You now have a community walking along with you .....

[Wanderer]

X

[frog]

@Wanderer @Faith-and-Hope So much of what you are saying resonates with me. So much. It's a hard row to hoe. I too have found solace here, and am moving to focus on my own self development. The choices re a way forward were taken from me when my husband left. My kids and I suffered a lot and although I am still sad about everything, the desparation of living with someone like that is gone. I was isolated and despairing for 10 years before he left. When he did it nearly destroyed me because I had invested everything in trying to stay together. Faith and hope I love that you are focused on what you can do, rather than what you can't change. It's a letting go process, though for me the way it happened was devastating. Thank you both for letting others in on your very difficult experiences. It is heartening for me to know that I'm not alone. Hang in there! 

[Faith-and-Hope]

You too @frog ❤️