Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Susana]

Hi @merri, I am new tour the forum and am also a carer for my elderly mother who has mood swings but not yet diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. She has been living with us since dad passed away almost 2 years ago. She is currently depressed and suffering with at times severe anxiety and paranoia. I am the only daughter of her 4 children and my husband and I have been exhausted as this depressive episode started almost 4 months ago and the doctors are still trying to get the right mix of meds to help stabilise her mood and control her anxiety. When she is anxious, she can get aggitated and talk non-stop, making demands to us to "fix" her perceived fears / delusions. She could have nights when she doesn't sleep a wink and will call out constantly. She cannot bear to take responsibility for any of her emotions or when she makes impulsive decisions. It's always someone else's fault. Endless guilt trips I have been sent on, but still fall for them. Glad you got onto Carers Vic. They are great here in NSW, used their counselling service many times in the last few years whilst caring for both my parents before dad passed away. Having home care and respite available is good, though never enough when it's 24/7.
I would love to hear if you or others have strategies of dealing with the emotional rollercoaster rides as well as the demands of dealing with the anxieties.
Thanks!

[Former-Member]

@Cherryblossom
Noticed you posted on the lived experience side. @Susana and @merri care for their mothers.

[merri]

Hi @Susana,

Apologies I just saw your post. It does sound as though there are a lot of similarities. Would you say your mum has periods of being manic as well as anxious? It took me and my husband a really long time to realise mum was bipolar and it became more obvious after my dad died. Perhaps your dad knew about your mum and they both 'managed' it together while he was alive. I really sympathise that you have your mum living at home as that sounds very hard for you and your husband to get a break. Carers Victoria taught me a number of strategies which I have been slowly putting into place. I often have felt incredibly guilty when I do this though. Things had to get really bad before I started to make changes - I have a brother but he's far away and has been little support. What carers vic pointed out is that I have probably always been the 'responsible' one in the family and solved mum's problems. My husband and I realised so many of mum's issues that we fixed were unncessary - she would make rash decisions when manic and wouldn't/ couldn't take any responsiblity if she was depressed.  Basically I had to stop 'solving' things for her. She is 91 so you can imagine how guilty I felt. Carers Vic told me I had to be less available - my mum didn't live with me but I was responsible for her accomodation and the person people called, which was often, when things went wrong. I can see how difficult this is for you as your mum lives with you. Could one of your brother's take care of your mum for a while to give you and your husband a break? I am thinking f they are like my brother, they are all care and no responsiblity. Carers Vic stressed how I needed to stop continually thinking about mum and all her issues and to start thinking more about myself and my husband. They stressed that I would not be abandoning her, but that it was not my sole responsliblity to care for her. So slowly little by little I hvae been stepping back. Others are quick to judge and Carers Vic pointed out that it was really convenient for others, my brother, dr's etc, to have me take all the responsiblity. I have had to learn to live with that. I hope some of this helps...you sound a great daughter!

[Susana]

Hi @merri,

Thanks for sharing the strategies you are applying in your situation, that really helps. You and I sound very similar when it comes to our caring roles. I am not good at learning to let go and step back.... Sigh.... But I need to! There's a helpful article recommended by one of the senior contributors about the difference between a caregiver and a caretaker.... I am afraid I am more like the latter.... Have to stop trying to 'fix' problems that are not entirely my responsibility. I went for a session with the counsellor from Carers NSW this morning and I told my brothers that right now, we need more than respite.... I have literally come to the end of the road.. They are looking at options of nursing homes at least today put mum's name down and to make other arrangements for mum's care.

[Susana]

Here's the link @merri in case you haven't seen it yet.
http://mhr4c.com.au/coping-strategies/self-care/

[merri]

@SusanaThat is great that your brothers are getting involved. I am also glad you are stating what you can and can't do. I think often daughters are automatically assumed to take on a fulltime caring role as part of being a good daughter. Many thanks for the link - i also found it really helpful and yes I have been a caretaker too. I am now trying to shift into being a caregiver. Many things in the article rang true for me - last year I was burnt out and Carers Vic identified Carer's Fatigue. It's not easy to shift from a caretaker role to a caregiver role but for me it has been an improvement. I hope you and your husband get some respite and start enjoying yourselves again!

[Susana]

Today mum got a spot in a private mental health hospital to get her anxiety/ depression treated.... A sigh of relief that she is now in good hands and that I get a breatha!

[Former-Member]

Hey @merri

How are you going? I do think of an illustration I saw describing the ups and downs of BP and when I think of you I adapt this to being on a Merri-go-round.

@Susana, is mum still in hospital?
@Catcakes thinking of you too as you look after your Mum.

[Catcakes]

Thanks @Former-Member

[Werner]

Your mother lacks communication. Therefore, she listens to stories from the street. I don't think that you could suffer for so long farther. Find for her a specialist that's working by caring for the elderly https://www.devotedhc.com . In this case, you will only be in profit. You can control her communication. Also, you will have time for relaxation.