Lived Experience Forum

[Change123]

@BlueBay

Goodluck today!

[Decadian]

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@BlueBay wrote:
@Decadian I need your advice
Shld I go to hospital or not?
If I go I get rest from home work and family
But I would lose pay so that means mr huff n puff will be huffing even more!!!
What do I do?
Nothing will change will it?
What would you do?

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Hi @BlueBay

Yes - if I were in your place I would go to hospital - even if you find yourself in there over Christmas

You will get that break from work and family and have time to sort yourself out without the kids being young adults with their own lives and shoes etc - and Huffnpuff huffin' and puffin'

Let him huff n puff - let him use up all that energy and don't listen - or just say to him something like

"You have the right to splutter and blast away at every little thing out of place and I need a break from a lot of things - so huff and puff all your like"

When it comes to changing - yes - they will change - but we have to do a lot of that ourselves - and if you are in hospital you have the time and space and safety to do that

atm the world is coming at you from all directions - and I can see that from what you write - but I think you have made some inner decision that has changed something inside you - and deep inside you

I cannot tell you how I was feeling as the winter of 1986 began - and my life itself was running away from the stress of my situation -  and although I was eating normally my weight was radically down. I'm 170 cm and I went down to 48 kg and I got out of the bath one night crying because it hurt my backside to sit in the bath and cried when I saw how skinny I was.

This was despair - and when my psychiatrist told me that things would change I didn't believe him

But things changed - gradually things improved - I never got my mother back into my life and it was years before my father changed things and now TS has made them go sour again but the changes have been within myself -

In hospital you will have the time and space and the help to find your way through all the decisions you need to sort - and when to act on them and when not to. Right now you need a plan and I think you are working on that

B#gger Huffnpuff - mine was Sitnsulk and how glad I am I don't have him getting up late on a Saturday morning and whining that the rain had set in for the day and standing smoking in the carport glaring at me working in the kitchen because I wouldn't allow smoking in the house 

It's just an idea but I have the feeling that Huffnpuff's huffin' and puffin' is really grating on you and is possibly one of your biggest problems. And if it is about your cash flow - no one is on the street yet and I seem to recollect it was you who worked out a way to pay your bills more effectively

Sigh - and yes - this is my advice - you can take it or leave it - but this is what I honestly think

And I believe in you - and I love you as much as any one can on-line - I truly identify with you

Decadian

[BlueBay]

Hi @Decadian

OK, so today was not a good day.  It started off with a visit to my GP.  he received notes from my hospital visit on saturday night.  He wants me to still use the ventolin but if not better by Thursday i am to go back for cortisone.  He has also given me tomorrow off work.

Then I had to go and get my hair coloured - it was looking so grey I just had to go.

Then I got home and I crashed again.  Slow breathing, shortness of breath and very faint.  I called the ambulance who took me back to the hospital.  There i was seen to pretty much straight away by a lovely doctor.  She sat down and asked lots of questions, and then all of a sudden it came to the subject of depression and I started and couldn't stop.  Telling her about my mum, missing my dad so much, crying in between talking to her and telling her sorry i was being stupid.  She said "it's okay I bet you haven't been able to do this for a while; and i bet you just want to scream" I replied 'yes'.  I told her how hard it is for me with regards to communication with hubby.  and she replied 'and i bet he won't go to counselling' and i said no he won't.

I had an appt with my psych today but cancelled it as i was in hospital.  But then this doctor said when are you seeing your psych? I told her i had cancelled the appt and she replied, can you give me his number and i will call him and speak to him.  She did and came back and said he is happy to see you today.

She told me that my physical illness at the moment (asthma and bronchitis) is affecting my mental state and when my mental state is not good it affects my physical state.  She said i need to have rest, let the family look after themselves; it's time for me.

She was so nice.  She then said she would ring my GP and keep him in the loop as well.  I ended up at my doctor on time, calling a friend to pick me up.  He asked me how i feel and i replied 'crap'.  he then asked what's been going on and i said nothing much.  he then looked at me and said 'cmon tell me exactly what;s going on (see he knows me too well).  I said to him I told you last time what was happening and he replied yes you did but i want to hear it again from you.  So i told him - stress from life, work, home, hubby, finances, xmas, my health.  told him i feel i will never ever get better.  told him i may as well go and end it all because that's how i feel.  he sat there and listened and said yes he understands how hard it is for me but right now, right this moment what can i think about\?  he said i need to think of just one thing; not overwhelm myself with all this worry.  it's doing my head in.  i started to cry and told him i don't know what i want.

He told me that he has put my name down on the waiting list for hospital.  and it could be as early as next week or the week after.  I told him i am not sure that i should go, there is no point.  He said yes you were much better when you were in there and then came out.  I think he is right, i was so much better.

So now i am resting, dinner is cooking.  I am so glad that i had a resally nice caring doctor at emergency today, who not only understood my mental state but sat there and just listened.  I thanked her for that because the other doctor (that i didn't like) didn't even listen to me.

[Decadian]

I am really glad to read all of this @BlueBay - it sounds as if your day was terrible but you are being heard now - and hopefully you will be in hospital next week and you can work on your problems and difficulties

Even with all the stress of your day you are writing well and clearly - so there is something firm in your change - as little as it might feel

The changes that will happen - they will be your choice - and as hard as things might be taking charge of your life is empowering

My life has been devoted to many things - among them self-education - the more we learn the more empowered we become - and I have learned having the power within to make our choices is dynamic

All the best with that -

Decadian

[BlueBay]

Tonight I am over everything including my life. I've tried so hard to be s good person but something happens and I'm hit back down again. Can't do this anymore.
I'm so hurt tonight I can't explain.

[NikNik]

Hi @BlueBay

I'm loving your new profile pic - is that a photo that you took?

You sound exhausted. It's unfortunate that CATT didn't answer - but I would encourage you to try again. Also the other usual crisis services are an option ie: Lifeline & Suicide Call Back.

Is there anything you can do to distract? Perhaps jump into another social thread in the Forums or watch a movie/TV?

Happy to brainstorm distractions with you & others, if that's useful?

[BlueBay]

The CAT team are not answering. I can't stop crying. I need help @NikNik

Told my husband my depression is bad. I finally told him.

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay

I'm here if you need to chat @BlueBay

Is possible go take a shower and then watch some tv or make a cuppa or do whatever makes you feel better.

I am really sorry to read that you are feeling so low. Are you eating ok- I had a bit of a change in diet and my energy levels have increased a bit- just by eating walnuts dried apricots and cashews I think. I find eating protein helps my mood too.

What are your plans for tomorrow?

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member

Thank you 

I tried the CAT team about 30 times, left a message and STILL waiting for their call.  It's pathetic, it really is. I was so ready last night to ask for help and I was crying and begging them to answer their phone.

I ended up making myself a cup of tea, hubby was too worried about going to sleep as he had to go to work early this morning!!

When I went to bed last night, I was so angry with hubby. And that's when all the tears came out and I just couldn't stop crying.  My daughter found me in bed trying to call the CAT team and I asked her to call my hubby.  He came downstairs and I said my depression is not good, i was sobbing.  and then i apologised to him (don't know why i did that for) but he then gave me a hug. I so needed that.  He then says just come upstairs and watch tv to which i said no, i didn't want to watch tv.  i said to him that i wish my psych puts me in hospital really soon and he says something about the finances yet again (to which i felt so guilty for going into hosptial) and i told him off - saying well how am i meant to get better; and he says oh no i know, to which i said well don't say that, next time don't say that.

I think from last night he really knew i am not good, i am not coping.  I can't believe i actually got the words out to tell him - 'i am not coping with my depression'.

I know he will be worried today at work, but let him work things out for a change.  Let him work out how do we sell our home; where to start.  What needs to be done at home before we sell (which i have told him for months and months).  

I so hope the hospital ring today and say come in tomorrow. I had doubts at the start of the week but now I am ready to run into the hospital.

I am sorry I couldn't chat with you last night, i really wanted to because you are always here for me when i am in crisis, so thank you so much.  But after my cup of tea I was so exhausted i ended up falling to sleep.

But one thing i did notice was that my asthma was really bad after my crying spell; i couldn't breathe properly had to use my ventolin a few times.

Off to work today which will be a distraction at least. 

[BlueBay]

This morning I decided to call the CAT team and ask if they did receive my phone message from last night.  I spoke to a lady clinician who apologised so much that no one called me back.  I told her i was desperate for hosptial; i wanted help and no one answered.  I told her i felt rejected and forgotten yet again.  I also told her about how my psych didn't return my call and she said she understood why i was not good.She spoke to me about BPD and how we suffer so much with abandonment, rejection.  She asked what i was doing today and and that if need be to call them again.  She also said she would let my psych know.

I thanked her becasue for the first time she understood what BPD suffererrs go through.  She understood me so well.