Need advice supporting ExADF CPTSD partner

[EchoGirl]

Hello everyone.

I have joined this group to access shared wisdom about dealing with PTSD in a later life re-kindled relationship.

My background is ADF however I only served 7 years before leaving for another career. After 30 yrs apart  I reconnected with an old flame from ADF days a few years ago. Timing seemed great.  I had divorced, my kids were both grown and he was widowed and retired after a long and very active 25 years of service. He had found me and it just felt very serendipitous really. The spark was immediate and we decided to give it another crack. I was never under any illusion this would be easy, I even sought my own psychological advice as to what to expect and how to prepare for that. But two years in, and after what feels like a false start that lasted 12 months,  its not just feeling 'hard', it's more like mission impossible. At first he'd  come and join me for weekends before retreating back to the bush to recalibrate. Or was it a freeze? He really tried hard to stay longer, and I understood from the outset that going back to his own space with controlled circumstances was vital to manage his anxiety. I am aware of that he regularly experiences disassociation and PTSD is obviously the enemy in our lives now. He is currently in the midst of six months spiral which has seen him almost completely withdraw from our shared existence. My family think he is just too far gone, but I can't stop feeling he is trapped inside an iceberg and if I remain patient and loyal the ice will melt and he will return to me... At Xmas I begged him to get help, and he has accessed counselling now for approx 3 months now. It's slow going. He says I am part of his life and future, but he can't communicate by text at the moment so an authentically shared life seems like a fairytale notion ATM. We have no intimacy and he can't respond to any gestures of affection or distress.

Just wondering if any spouses out there have any advice please? 

[rav3n]

hey @EchoGirl welcome to the forums!

thank you for sharing. i can see that you care about him a lot and want to make sure he gets the best possible support too. it sounds like its been really hard for you both, and i'm glad he has someone as understanding as you in his corner. CPTSD can take time to work on and while he works through it, i hope you're looking after yourself too 💙

i'm just tagging some members to see if they might be able to relate or provide some support @CJ130 @Cally1 @LG @Enewt95 @Azalea 

also quick question - i've moved this post to the shoulder to shoulder hub veterans families space as i feel more people might be able to support you there - is that ok? if not, please let me know and i can move it back 😊

[CJ130]

Hi, I have dealt with issues like this with my husband since 2002. It is a slow process but if you love them and they love you and there is obviously no abuse, you can make it. The only thing I can recommend is that you get the help for you to deal with it. There are so many avenues available now, Veteran Benefits Australia is one and being that your ex ADF you are entitled to a white card for psychological counselling for free. Back in 2002 there was really no support for me and when he discharged in 2011, I really didn’t get any support. I found exercising at a gym was my mental health break from his issues as well as bringing up two children with all relatives interstate. Getting a personal trainer also helped. My husband has come along way from how broken he was compared to now and I know he loves and appreciates how I have stood by him through it all. All the best x 

[Jynx]

@CJ130 just a lil tip, if you want other members to be notified that you've responded, you can tag them - use the @ symbol and a drop down will appear, and you can choose their name. If their name isn't there, you can type it out and it should then appear for you to select, then it will show up in blue, like this: @EchoGirl 

💜

[EchoGirl]

thanks for taking the time to reply @CJ130  It means a lot to me.

I will explore going back to some type of counselling for myself, as you suggested.

I had attended a few sessions at the beginning of this rekindling, and then stopped going when it seemed everything was going relatively well...

Yes, I am blessed that he has never been anything but gentle and respectful in his dealings with me, despite the fact that he is consumed with anger about so many things.

I seem to have these serendipitous encounters that gift me little gems of wisdom to help me find new hope in this very tricky journey I've found myself on. So thankyou again, for yours

[CJ130]

@EchoGirl, glad I could help in some small way. I’m ex military myself. All the very best for navigating such a hard situation. 🩷

[Azalea]

Hi @EchoGirl 

He's a very lucky man to have such a patient and supportive partner like you.

It's a hard one to respond to without sounding like an awful person but it honestly sounds like he isn't in the right mind space to give you even the bare minimum that you deserve and I know from experience how negatively that can impact mental health. I'm a recovered people pleaser, in the past I have put others needs above my own and paid the price so I'm here to say please choose yourself. If he's not even in the headspace to be able to text you or respond in the way a partner should then it probably isn't the right time. 

It's ok to choose happiness for yourself, and you don't need to feel guilt for that. It sounds like you have done everything you can to try and make things work, and it sounds like he isn't ready or prepared to do the same. Recovery is about making the right choices and deciding to move on when things are hurting you is part of that.

I do hope he realises how amazing you are and chooses to put in some effort, but please take care of yourself first and never choose a man before yourself.

[EchoGirl]

Thanks for your honesty, @Azalea 

I REALLY needed to  (read) that sort of advice from WITHIN this forum, not from my friends and family, if that makes sense.

I almost needed 'permission' from the fellow warriors that it is ok to choose a point in the future that marks the end of trying, and walk away from this situation...

Thanks again.

[Azalea]

@EchoGirl omg I’m so relieved, I was holding my breath pressing post! 

I’m always here when you need a reminder that it’s ok to choose you x

[CarryOnPorkChop]

@EchoGirl I agree with @Azalea 

My husband has CPTSD too. Even though you're willing to support him this sounds like you're at the limit of your ability to do so at this time. Unfortunately this ultimately is his battle alone, just as you must always look after yourself number one. Your friends and family are right to express concern for you. It's not an easy decision but sounds like the right thing to do in this case. Take care