Lived Experience Forum

[chookmojo]

An Update:

I ended up having 2 and a half days off with that flare up, then a week solid back at work where I was shaky but ok, and then I had yesterday off again and I am pretty strung out today though I am at work. I have also missed two sessions with my trainer and have been a bit of a disaster around the house, just not getting anything done.

My anxiety is still at about as high as it can get while I am still functioning, so I finally booked myself in (hooray for online bookings) for an EAP session (Employee Assistance Program) through work, even though it feels like too much hassle (it is an hour away from home/work) and also feels pretty pointless.

However the anxiety is getting so bad that a little depression is creeping in (this is always my big wake up call as it is such a foreign thing for me) and I need to do something, so I am doing this.  I am not sure yet when it will be, they have to get back to me.

I also have a dr appointment (yes more online booking) at which I am going to ask for a referral for a psychologist. I had not planned to bother with this, but then kept using cost as an excuse to not self refer, so on the list it goes. I had the appointment anyway for something else and it just occurred to me today that I could also bring up the anxiety. I'm considering asking about meds, but I flip flop on that all the time. That's in about 10 days, so the ball is slowly rolling.

Still haven't booked in for an Osteo, but DID book in an echocardiogram that I have had a referral for for several months. I actually turned up for that a day early because in my anxious state yesterday I got very confused about the date, but luckily they squeezed me in and so that particular scary moneky is off my back. Maybe the rest will stop their jostling....

[Shimmer]

Hi @chookmojo

Thanks for the update last week 🙂

How fantastic that you were able to have a solid week back at work after your anxiety flare up! (Sounds like you were spot on with your prediction that it would last a couple of days!)

Sounds like last week was still tough with your anxiety really high, but I am glad to hear you were still functioning - how are you going this week?

I'm also glad you were able to recognise the wake up call that a little depression is creeping in and decided to take action on it - just as you did when your anxiety started to flare up, it's fantastic to reach out and use your strategies to make sure you get on top of it early!

Oh my gosh, I am so amazed by how many steps forward you have taken!!

Good on you for booking in the EAP session despite the hassle - have you heard yet when the appointment will be?

Getting a referral to a psychologist from your GP is a great idea! Amazing isn't it how many excuses your mind can come up with not to prioritise self-care, but it is so important! I'm glad you're going ahead with it despite the cost - and using your existing appointment to discuss a referral and possibly medications too is very clever. It sounds like you're unsure about medications, perhaps you could consider this an opportunity to ask your doctor any questions you have, without putting pressure on yourself to make an immediate decision? That appointment must be a couple of days away now, I hope it is helpful!

AND you did your echocardiogram! Wow! How does it feel to have that monkey off your back? I wonder if there's a way to remind yourself how far you've come, getting these things off your list... perhaps a list of achievements displayed somewhere? That's just an idea, I'm sure you could come up with something more personally meaningful to keep building your momentum - is this something that appeals to you?

@chookmojo, it sounds like you're working so hard and doing an amazing job of looking after yourself, I hope you're giving yourself pats on the back as you keep the ball rolling!

Keep looking after yourself and filling us in with updates!

Shimmer 🙂

[Mazarita]

Hi @chookmojo,

Sorry to hear you are struggling with your anxiety and feelings of depression and glad to hear you are being proactive about your health. I relate to a lot of the feelings you describe. Just adding my voice of support here to you in your efforts to take care of yourself. More pats on the back for all the steps you have taken so far.

[chookmojo]

Thanks @Shimmer, you are like a personal cheer leader reinforcing all the positives. It is strange because I am so used to the just thinking 'well of course'  and being very dismissive about anything I manage to achieve, and then end up focussing on the negatives simply by default! Anyhow it is appreciated.

So I had a rough day on Monday but made it through, and was struggling yesterday but then got some news at work that has made a WORLD of difference (my contract was renewed) and I am feeing heaps better now. I had not thought I was THAT worried about my contract as it was kind of unlikely that it would not get renewed, but I am feeling SO much better now that it has clearly been a major issue for me behind the scenes.

I have my EAP  session on Friday, and they are going to call me so I don't have to deal with the hassle of travelling into town, which is nice. I am not sure what I expect them to be able to 'do' that will help in one conversation.... but I guess we will see.

I will definitely be asking about medication at my doctor's appointment - I have avoided it for many years due to the side effects and that fact that I am pretty functional most of the time, but I think the topic is worth revisiting. We will also be discussing the results of the echocardiogram so I can find out whether this heart murmur of mine is something benign or serious (fingers crosed for benign).

I'm a big fan of to do lists but I don't tend to keep lists of things that I HAVE done - (mostly because I hate how messy crossed off items look, and I prefer to see the overall list getting shorter).... but I could potentially keep a register of achievements somewhere to keep track and not be so dismissive of the things I have achieved. I'll give that some thought.... maybe a pinterest board.

[chookmojo]

Thanks @Mazarita, it is appreciated! Good to be reminded that I am not alone in feeling this way.

[Shimmer]

Hi @chookmojo

Yes it's so easy to be dismissive of our achievements and always feel we have to do more - I'm glad you are enjoying the "strange" experience of focusing on the postives 🙂 A pinterest board sounds like a wonderful creative way to keep the good things in your life in the spotlight!

That's fabulous news about your contract being renewed! Yes, those kind of worries can eat away at us even when we don't consciously realise it, but it seems like getting that news has been a huge weight off your shoulders - one less thing on your list to worry about! - it's great that you feel heaps better now 🙂

Good idea having your EAP session over the phone - removing obstacles to getting help for ourselves can be so helpful on days we are struggling with motivation. Good on you for keeping an open mind about the session - that one conversation may be a starting point to open up further discussions (perhaps with the psychologist your doctor refers you to), or maybe you will choose to focus on something in particular (e.g. work-related challenges) through that channel - perhaps at the beginning of the call you could agree upon a focus to work towards together to ensure you get something you feel is useful out of it?

It sounds like you have a clear plan re: asking your doctor about medications. You may have already thought of this, but bringing up your concerns about the side effects is usually helpful - the more information they have about what is important to you, the more likely it is they will be able offer a suitable recommendation. My fingers are crossed for good news about your heart murmur too.

Keep looking after yourself,

Shimmer 🙂

[chookmojo]

Another Update:

My EAP session on Friday fell through, a bit of a communication problem meant the call did not get put through to me. The provider was left thinking I didn't work there, and I was left thinking I had been stood up. Luckily I was doing ok in general on Friday so I shrugged it off.

Saturday was a BIG day. I went to the doctor (Oh and my echo results were fine, my heart murmur is 'innocent'. yay! )and got a referral for a psychologist, AND my first ever anti anxiety meds.  I have since booked my first session with a local psychologist in a couple of weeks, and started taking the medication yesterday. 

I have to give it several weeks before I am likely to notice effects on my anxiety, and I am on a low dose, so it may need to be increased. Side effects I am experiencing are many, but mostly mild and it seems like they are worst in the first couple of weeks and should settle down after that. Meanwhile I feel like I have spent all night out on cheap pills; queasy guts, sore jaw, slightly spaced out.

I have a few gigs coming up that I would love to get to, and my usual Sunday Night Anxiety Roadshow (that was what clinched it for me to take the darn things, the idea of one day there being a Sunday that didn't 'end' at 4pm when the anxiety sets in), and those will be the litmus test to see whether this stuff is doing anything good for me.

I have already noticed that it has effected my thinking, and how I sense my body - mostly right now the main impression is 'blankness', not in a bad way, but it is weird. I couldn't sleep at all last night and instead of having my mind racing, or being stressed about not sleeping I was just lying there awake and alert and blank. Still feeling pretty alert this morning but cannot stop yawning, so I hope sleep doesn't continue to be a problem.

Onwards and upwards!

[Shimmer]

Talk about building momentum @chookmojo!!!

So to add to the list, you've:

• Shrugged off the EAP session miscommunication
• Attended your doctor's appointment (GREAT news re: heart murmur!)
• Got a referral for a psychologist AND booked your first appointment
• Made the decision to try medication and started taking them

Good on you!!! 🙂

In reading over this discussion, I notice a real change in your "voice" - now I'm sensing more "emotional energy" and a feeling of empowerment - or is there a better way to describe it @chookmojo? Perhaps @WombatBoots, @Former-Member or @Mazarita have "heard" a difference too? How does it feel to be getting all these things done?

That's a big step trying anti-anxiety medication for the first time, and it's interesting that you're noticing it's effects on your thinking and how you sense your body already. I'd encourage you to continue being curious about this new experience over the next few weeks (like that "blankness" rather than your mind racing), and to keep in touch with your doctor about any side effects (hopefully they do settle down soon!) and your sleep. Hope you get to those gigs too!

I'm interested to know if you've given any more thought to how you can celebrate your achievements... have you had a go at the pinterest board, or thought of something else? I feel like this discussion is becoming a celebration of your wins, how wonderful!

[chookmojo]

Hey there @Shimmer,

For sure there is a change in my 'voice', I was in bad way the other week, and I am doing heaps better now, not battling such bad anxiety leaves me a heap more emotional energy to face up to things and take some actions. Often the hardest part is getting to the point where I make the decision to start! Empowerment might not be the word I chose but I think it works too... I'm definitely feeling like I have more agency, and am being proactive,  and because I am actually making some progress on goals I am feeling a sense of accomplishment. All good words.

Getting this stuff done is also giving me a great deal of relief, and frankly a little excitement about the future.

Side effects are less bothersome today - particularly around being able to do my job.... the main thing I am noticing aside from that 'blank' is how quiet it is in my head! I will certainly keep up the exploration of this new experience, I find it fascinating.

I have looked into a couple of apps for keeping track of my accomplished goals, have downloaded them and I am going to give them a play with over the rest of this week to see if anything suits me better than a pinterest board. Trello is another possibility - it's a really nice piece of project management freeware. I didn't like it for getting stuff done, but it might suit me better for keeping things already achieved.

[Mazarita]

Thanks @Shimmer. I just went back and read the first post to this discussion thread and some of the other messages I missed. I relate to a lot of the difficulties you mention, @chookmojo. Your step by step forward movement is inspiring. You do indeed seem to have some awesome inner resources. Very best wishes that it continues to get better and better for you. Even if I don't always comment (confidence and depression issues), I'm following your journey with interest, understanding and support. 🙂