Tomorrow, it is ten days until Christmas day. All I do is cry every day, most of the day. At night, I am afraid to go to sleep because I have nightmares every night, and they go on all through the night. I cry and seat in my sleep. Then I need to wake up and face a day.I dont get any rest nor joy in any of my days. It's been like that for three days now. I am craving arms around me. Holding me, as I fall to pieces. I loved my ex partner so tremedously. We still live in the same house. Yes, move out right? Not as simple as packing my stuff and moving out. I want to take down the Christmas tree and burn it.
I feel so incredibly empty, completely worthless and just trying to nto go even deeper into the darkness. Some nights I sleep in my room, some nights I sleep on the couch with the lights on. I am too scared to sleep in my room because of my thoughts sometimes and what I will possibly do behind a closed door. So, I stay in a wider space with the lights on. I may get up through the night and wander to my room, or I just wake up from nightmares and sit there.
I feel like a failure because I could not save my relationship. I am not in a place where I am able to think rationally about it. She said to me tonight, things I cannot face although I heard them.
She said (and I know she did in our our relationship) I was following your feet last night. I follow them when you go and brush your teeth, when you walk to go and make a morning coffee, when you are just walking around in general and I realised that I will never hear your feet coming into the bedroom ever again. I couldnt speak. I wanted to, but I couldnt. I did feel things, I just could not speak. I did tell her directly, that my head nor heart can fathom it or take it in. I couldnt make sense of it.
She also said, I know you are having nightmares and you are not sleeping well. I hear you crying at night in your sleep and I hear your pain while you are sleeping. I know your days are also filled with so much pain. You get no rest. I know we are no longer together and I am alone now again. Its hard when you know someone knows and there is just no real comfort and I know that it is a very unrealistic expectation to ask someone you are no longer with to comfort you.
I have already discussed me moving out with my counsellor. She knows I am up shit creek without a paddle at this point.
On the 24th Dec is was meant to be our one year anniversary.
It's also the first year anniversary of cutting contact with any family I had left. That was December 1st.
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