OCD and Anxiety are destroying my life

[2qwerty]

@Molliex I'll do a better job this time, I guess the formatting didn't do me many favours. 

I have the headspace app, (impluse buy during a sale) and while I do like Andy, the animations (very cool) and the sleepscapes, (the treehouse one especially) I don't like meditation. I always feel a bit disheartened when people recommend it, like they have unlocked some secret I am incapable of discovering. I find it to be a very claustrophobic, uncomfortable experience. As soon as someone makes me aware of my breathing, I can't forget it again without thinking about something else, whether it be daydream, talk, do something else, so sitting with nothing but the "emptiness" of my mind, where I am told when I can and cannot think or "let the mind do it's thing" I just sit there breathing unevenly, hyperventilating, breathing too deep or too shallow, or trying to keep up with the guidance and keeping it all super inconsistent. I come out with a numb face, disorientated, and not in any way relaxed. Breathing deeply makes me feel awful. Body scans feel really awkward and I don't know what I'm doing. When I'm told to think, I can't think of anything and if I do, it's forced and horrible, when I am told to push thoughts away, I can't. When I think I am not breathing deeply, so I start to breathe unevenly and it's just awful. When I'm told to return to the breath, it's so unnatural and not what they're expecting at all, it's an idiot huffing and puffing, not knowing HOW to breathe. I can't do it sitting up, as my headphones start to feel tighter and tighter, I get more and more uncomfortable and sitting with my eyes closed makes me feel out of control and dizzy. I also don't really understand the different packs, as they all seem very much the same. They all follow the same plot, same instructions...how is one for self esteem and another for anger when they're esentially the same pack? Why does everything force me to return to the breath? Or ignore it? Without CONTROLLING it? How do people breathe?! It worries me that this might be the only thing that "helps"? It just feels like a big waste of time. I'd rather listen to his advice without the breathing and quiet. 

For medication, I have a lot of reasons, I don't want to go too far down the panic rabbit hole but essentially my biggest fears are mostly OCD and trauma based, I hate adding chemicals to my body, I don't like medicines for a number of reasons: 

• Side effects (all medicines give me the same worry, if I can help it, I never take anything beyond paracetamol) 
  • Libido, digestive issues, emotional effects, changes to brain chemistry. 
  • I quit birth control after a decade of IBS, only to find the pill was causing it. Doctors kept dismissing me, no one cared at all...and it was cured overnight by throwing away the pack. What could this medicine do to me? Do I really have to compromise between emotions and physical health? 
    • What if I become pregnant? I can't take the pill again. Is it unsafe? What will happen to my child, if not now, in their future? Could I ruin their brain chemistry too? What about the future, what will we learn? My biggest fear is my children could have some irreversable neurological issue that I personally caused, and in a few decades medical research will tell us it was our fault and all I had to do was not take anything. I don't trust doctors. They all lie to me about the risks and don't seem to think big picture. I asked multiple doctors about safe for pregnancy antidepressants, they recommended specific types, I go home and research and they say in bold writing within their pamplets "IF YOU BELIEVE YOU MAY BE PREGNANT, DO NOT TAKE THIS MEDICINE, SPEAK TO YOUR DOCTOR" but when I speak to doctors, they tell me with a shrug "i prescribe this to pregnant ladies all the time! It's fine!" How do they know? What are they causing with their casual actions? My brother is autistic and I am terrified of the same fate happening to my children. I already have him to worry about in my future, when my parents pass. I don't know if I even want children but I don't want a drug to limit me again. Not like that horrible pill did. If after all of these years medication free, I then cause something bad to happen? I'd never be able to live with myself. 
• Permanent consequences of medications (again, all medicines give the same worries) What if my libido disappears forever? I recommend not reading medical journals...you find some terrible cases of people left alone to suffer. 
• Dependency, I don't want to be on it forever. 
• Cocktails, changes, tweaking...how many medicines will I end up on? How many tiny bandaids will they stick over the gigantic wound? 
• What if it does nothing? Or too much? Makes me worse? 
• I manage okay without it, I don't feel there's a point in tempting fate and making an irreversable mistake.
• People try to comfort me, lie to me, tell me it won't matter and a trial won't hurt, but I don't trust them as far as I can throw them. No way. I'm not losing my ability to function intimately or mentally for a drug. 
• What if I'm given the wrong drug? What if it does something terrible and I continue to be dismissed over and over? and I can't ever escape?!
• Withdrawals. 
• I've been told many times that a medication won't "fix" everything, and I need to do the work alongside it. But no one can help me understand what that work is...so it seems counterproductive and pointless to bother. 

So I guess my life is a catch 22, take the medicine to get over the fear of the medicine. Feel totally disregarded for being "irrtational." I feel betrayed, stuck, frustrated. 

Everyone just tells me to take medication and meditate...it feels so hopeless. Those things aren't options. 

[Molliex]

Thanks for rewriting your post @2qwerty. I understand the breathing thing, I used to hate meditation because as soon as it told me to breath it's like I instantly forgot how to, and I hyperventilated and started to panic. I don't know how it changed, I think doing guided meditation with my psychologist helped, but I totally understand why it may not be for you. It doesn't always work/help and sometimes I can't quiet my mind (stupid ocd), but it helps sometimes. 

The medication thing is tough. I was resistant, but I almost didn't survive Post Natal depression, so I decided to try. I understand your concerns, your feelings are valid.

Have you spoken with a psychiatrist about your feelings about medication?

What else works for you? Exercise? Hobbies/other distractions? 

[Former-Member]

Hi @2qwerty 

Just wanted to pop in an apologise that your original post was picked up by our spam filter. This was an accident completely and we are investigating any glitch around why that may have happened and we really appreciate you rewriting your post. 

It looks like you are getting some wonderful support here. Medication is such a tricky thing and very personal to each individual. I understand your personal feelings around it though. Like @Molliex said have you mentioned these concerns to any of your medical professionals? 

Here with you as you work through things ✨

[2qwerty]

@Molliex 

I haven't seen a psychiatrist for a long time, not since I was about 17-18, and they were in the process of selecting a medication for my OCD when I was pulled out of the sessions. It cost my parents too much money, we got into a big fight about my not trying hard enough, so I told them in anger, fine, cut me off then. So, they did. For the best though, the medicine never would have helped, only burdened me until now. I've struggled to find a psychiatrist in the area that I am A: comfortable with (not a middle aged man) and B: has availability, there's always months and months of waiting.
Whether things work, but denial usually works from video games, internet, distraction. If I don't think about it, it's not there.

[2qwerty]

@Former-Member It's alright, I think I understand why, the formatting wasn't very good and it looked to be poor quality, I think not adding capitals to some lines, and some poor spacing made it look like a junk message. 

[Molliex]

That sounds like it was really tough @2qwerty. If only we could 'try' our mental health problems away.

Do you have a decent GP? Mine was able to recommend me to a good psychologist. He's helping find a psychiatrist next. I don't know how I feel about it, but I'm willing to go along and listen anyway.

If you haven't seen someone for so long, maybe it's worth getting an appointment for a few months away?At least it's there if you need it.

What games do you like playing? I wish I had more time for it. 

[2qwerty]

@Molliex 

My parents never understood. They were so angry that I didn't just "stop" being "that way" and I was so angry, they thought it was so simple and I was behaving that way on purpose. I didn't know what was happening. I just knew I was terrified of everything. Like it was a sick game, or something. They seemed to imagine therapy as the same as dropping your car off at the mechanic. When I came back still broken they were furious, we took you to the place, paid money and you're STILL not right?! When does it stop? Why does she keep doing that? 

When I got a referral to a counsellor, my dad stormed into the room with me, sat on the couch and angrily started listing out the things he wanted "fixed," While slamming his hands together. The way I ate, the things I didn't do, the things I DID do...They were all obsessions and things I still do now, in my thirties. A $80 medicare counsellor wasn't going to stop it, he wasn't going to stop it...but he was convinced it was an easy and obvious fix. And when I didn't do my part? They didn't know how to handle it. No one close in my life has understood or accepted it. No one could have forseen it, or fixed it. 

I haven't found a GP that I like, I try different people nearly every time I need to see a doctor and they usually are dismissive of my concerns. Whether they are to do with this, or another physical concern. I did get another referral for a psychologist, to swap over from who I see now but I've not actioned it yet. I sit on referrals and take a long time to get anywhere. I have a feeling it'll be much the same, no one has a magic button or phrase that's going to blow my mind and make everything work. I just hope that one day something comes along, that is easy and so clear...but it doesn't exist. It never did. There's no magic fix, or people would be happier already. 

I play a lot of playstation games, RPGs, adventure, horror, platformers...I often drop off and get bored/overwhelmed with it and then come back over and over. Lately I've gotten into choose your adventure stuff, like Until Dawn, Detroit Become Human, Man of Medan. Cause you can replay and change the story over and over. You can perfect it, get all the trophies and master something. Or the Sims 4, if I'm on a PC. I lose motivation on games or projects super fast. I also have a collection of Lego but I don't really have a place to build, and lose focus on it very quickly. I try to force myself to enjoy things but I don't really feel like I have a place to do them. 

[2qwerty]

UGH! Again I'm marked as spam. Getting a bit tiresome. Is there no way to restore my posts? I had it copied but lost it. 

[2qwerty]

edit, i think my original post has been restored above @Molliex 

[Former-Member]

Hi @2qwerty 

I'm sorry your post keeps getting marked as spam - that is incredibly frustrating! I just wanted to let you know that I have restored your posts.

I hope this doesn't happen again for you!

Kindest Regards,

Amour_Et_Psyché