Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[C101]

Please help with any advice or how to cope. My daughter has spent 4 hours, 6 packs of disinfectant wipes & 3 boxes tissues cleaning the tap. And now she's run out she's hysterical (it's now 3:23am)

[C101]

In bed 5:30. So exhausted!

[C101]

Anybody?

[JellyBean]

Hi @C101,

It must be so distressing to see your daughter like that and you must be exhausted too after being up all night. 

Where is your daughter now? Has she come home yet?

Many members on our carers forum are dealing with caring for an unwell child, you might like to have a look at the thread by @jessydog or this thread started by @Concerned where @CherryBomb gives some good advice on self care and support for carers.

[Mosaic]

@C101 I am sorry to hear you and your daughter had such a tough night. OCD can be a very debilitating condition, not only for the person suffering but for family and friends as well... It sounds like last night, the OCD was really getting out of control and I can only imagine how distressing that must have been for you to witness. Caring for someone with OCD can be very emotionally draining... so it's really important to carve out time for youself right now, even while your daughter is struggling.

Purposefully engaging in your own "self-care" practice can help you to nurture a sense of personhood, disconnect from the OCD. It can really help you cope long term, especially during times of extreme stress. Self-care includes any intentional actions you can take towards caring for your own physical, social, mental and emotional health. These actions can often be quite simple, and need not take up a lot of time, or cost a lot of money. Here are a few ideas to help you get started on a self-care plan that works for you. 

• Eat a healthy, balanced diet and aim to eat at regular times each day
• Remain physically active in a way that you enjoy (e.g., walking, stretching, jogging or playing a team sport)
• Get an adequate amount of sleep each night (e.g., go to bed and wake up at the same each day)
• Stay in touch with friends and family who encourage and support you
• Establish a regular date night with your spouse if applicable (e.g., weekly, monthly)
• Take up a new hobby or reconnect with an activity you used to enjoy (e.g., cooking, reading, gardening, photography, listening to music)
• Seek therapy for yourself if you need to talk (e.g., through a counsellor, psychologist, or carers' support group)
• Acknowledge your own limitations, and ask for help if you need it

Everybody's definition of self-care is different and unique. Feel free to add to this list any ideas that come to mind which are relevant for you. You might consider posting your own self-care list somewhere where you can easily see or access it (e.g., on the fridge, in the bathroom). That way it can serve as a regular reminder for you to keep up with your self-care. If your daughter notices the list and recognises you are making self-care a personal priority, this sets a great example for her as well. Stress can certainly exacerbate OCD symptoms, and it can be a great way to open up a conversation about self-care, and how it could be helpful.

I wonder are you in touh with any carers organisations? Carers’ organisations can provide practical, financial and emotional support to people who care for someone with a mental illness. These organisations can offer support through a range of services, such as counselling, peer-led programs and workshops, respite and social interaction. 

You can contact the following agencies for this support:  

ARAFEMI
Phone: 1300 550 265 
Website: www.arafemi.org.au
Promotes the well-being of people affected by mental illness, their families and  carers through a variety of services and programs that focus on  recovery, respect, inclusion, participation and awareness.  

Carers Australia
Phone: 1800 242 636
Website: www.carersaustralia.com.au 
Provides practical, financial and emotional support to carers through counseling, respite and support, education and training, workshops, and so forth.  

@C101 Please keep us updat about how you and your daughter are doing. 

[Kiera80]

Good morning C101,

Your post caught my eye today because you write about OCD.

I was diagnosed with OCD about 6 months ago, a spin off from the bad anxiety I used to suffer.  I know what your daughter is going through although my symptoms aren't as badly obsessive as hers.  I am a double, triple and quadruple checker which drives me nuts.  Luckily I had a couple of weeks break from my normal routine over Christmas and I seem to be getting a bit better but it takes a lot of work to consciously think in a different way.  The downtime I think helped me a bit because I was more relaxed and not stuck in the rat race for that time.  My brain had a chance to rest.

What you need to understand is that there is a change in the way the brain works when you have OCD.  There is no magic pill you can take for OCD although I am on medication for anxiety which I think is really helping me.

I recommend that you find a good therapist who knows all about OCD and get your daughter to start talking to someone who can explain what OCD is and how to go about starting to tackle the problem.

Don't expect miracles though.  Getting over OCD is very much a baby step process and a long one too.  You can have good days and bad days where the OCD will overwhelm you.

There can be hope at the end of the tunnel though.  It used to take me 15-20 minutes to leave the house in the morning with the constant checking and now I'm down to 5-10.  That 5-10 minute gap is a huge victory for me. It doesn't sound like much but when you have OCD it's actually a really big deal.  Like I said, baby steps.

Another thing I found useful was to set a time limit that I would allow myself to deal with a repetitive behaviour.  For instance, I now allow myself 5 minutes only of going back to check if the tap is turned off.  Then I force myself to walk away and you know what?  The tap is turned off every time.  I always do it correctly but my brain doesn't let me think that initially.  Therein lies the problem.

It's strange though how the brain picks and chooses the things that you become obsessive about.  For instance something important at home is locking the doors at night before I go to bed.  I don't have an obsession about that at all but checking that my hairdryer is unplugged is a huge obstacle for me.  Doesn't make much sense does it?  I mean locking the doors is pretty important but a hair dryer can't turn itself on again can it.  Stupid really.

There are some really good sites on the web that explain all about OCD and Sane has a post about OCD as well that you might like to check out.

So, in my experience so far, I think that being on medication and seeing a good counsellor is helping me and I'm sure that these will help your daughter too.  You have to start somewhere.

I now feel that in a lot of instances I can think more clearly and the "good" side of my brain overides the "bad" side of my brain in telling me that I don't need to be obsessive over something.  I'm starting to have little wins instead of being stuck in the never ending cycle of constant obsessiveness which can make you feel that you're never going to get better.  They say that you should have a 15 minute wait period before you go back to your obsessive behaviour once you have stopped.  I haven't been able to master that yet but I'm working on it.

Cognitive behavior therapy with a good therapist is a good place to start.

I also found that the more down time I take the better I feel.  This year will be all about looking after myself both physically and mentally and that's going to be my number one priority.

I hope some of my post will help and I really hope you can make progess with your daughter. 

[C101]

A better night last night (tue). But horrible night tonight. I called her dad to come over in an attempt to calm her at 5am (house is trashed). So now she hates me (ok) but worse she is truly stuck. Her OCD relied on my constant reassurance. (I know now I did the wrong thing by giving it to her but it was sleep deprivation & lack of knowledge & survival mode). So now she doesn't trust me. She is sitting in the wreckage, unable to move. I know parenting is hard, but this is impossible! What now?

[OcarinaJones]

I am so sorry to hear this.

My daughter has OCD as well. She is 19 and should be having the time of her life.  Instead, she has rituals to perform that don't even make sense. I am so afraid that she will ruin her life because of this.  She has shown a slight improvement after being medicated - but just at Uni exam time last year, she decided that she didn't have time to fill her script.

Unfortunately, I also suffer from anxiety and it is possible that I have my own OCD issues.  My life has been one where the minute I seem to be able to achieve anything notable, I have a crisis of confidence.  I think the greatest thing that has helped me most, is medication. 

My daughter has just come in from a placement at a Koala Rescue Centre and she is happy and bubbling with information about her day.  Animals are her passion and at times like this, I believe she will be able  to overcome this.

I guess what I am trying to say to you is, it's a day to day thing.  Grab onto whatever peace and happiness that you can.  Don't be ashamed or afraid to  take medication, either of you.  If you had asthma you wouldn't hesitate. When things are bad, just remember that it will pass.  Sometimes it seems as though it won't, but it always does.  It sounds as though you are a single parent.  Sometimes, this is better than having two parents involved who squabble over treatment.  Don't blame yourself for any of this.  It's pointless.  I have been told that I "enable" my daughter!  Fine, you take her for a while.  Sometimes, you do what you have to do to make it through the day/night!  Get professional help.  Children seem to respond better to strangers about divulging their thoughts.

I truly wish that people would stop making light of OCD.
It's not one bit funny!

[Winnie1]

I am only a newcomer to this site but it is already helping me just to listen to others in the same boat that I am in. I don't have any new advice for anyone, except to say that a loving parent's situation can be so very hard as all we want for our children is happiness, even when they are angry with us because of their OCD or anxiety. Some people say to me that I shouldn't let my daughter "carry on" the way she does when she is very stressed but I know that being quiet is the best thing I can do at that time. She always comes around when she winds down and feels so bad about things she said or did. I do not take anything personally anymore as I know how much she loves me and as I said, I only want her to find peace and happiness. The best thing my loved ones can do for me is to let me handle things the way I think will help.

[OcarinaJones]

Just thought an update was in order.

My daughter almost lost her scholarship and had to " show cause"  because her  GPA has to be above   5.75 (I think) and it was a little below that.  Anyhow, this may have given her a wake up call because this year she has knuckled down and excelled. There was a blip mid-year when she caught Cryptosporidium at a dairy farm, but she went and spoke things over with her counsellor. She has come off her medication because she feels that she can combat this on her own.  She has joined a Church Group, which is really doing her good.  So, at the moment, the OCD is still in evidence - but we can live with it.  In some ways I " enable"  her because I avoid things that she finds stressful. This is frowned on by some people but we are the ones battling this and it feels like the right thing to do. Things are looking up for us.