Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Scud87]

Hi all this is my first time posting n really have noone else to talk too about this issue. I have been in a relationship with the mother of my children for nearly 11 years now, in that time she was unfaithful to me with my so called "best mate" six years ago. We reconciled after the event but every time there is an argument she says really hurtful things about what happened and also blamed me entirely for the infidelity and still does. She says really hurtful things about my appearance which contributes too me really hating everything about myself while also resenting her for turning me into a shadow of who I used to be and the way I portray women in general. While I still believe there are good women in the world but can't see past the bullshit I've had thrown at me for years by someone who says they love me. I have tried to leave but only to be pulled back in every time. She makes out on her public page that I am controlling and abusive which is unequivocally not true as I don't try to control any aspect of her life. I cannot have an argument with her as it ends up in the public eye, twisted and not what really happened. I have attempted suicide and am glad it wasn't successful. Suicide is no longer an option for me as I can't put my children through that. I have sought counselling but in reality I dont know what to do because if I leave her she will make my life hell

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Scud87

Kids are a big motivator to stay on the planet and make something work.  My children agree that was better that we split as my relationship was not working. Life is tough enough without being in such a toxic situation.  I know a lot of women who would be horrified by the situation you have described. Its not my style. You are right none of us

is all bad .. or all good ...

cant give relationship advice as I am single .. take care

[pip]

@Scud87. Your partner sounds slightly narcissistic. How does she treat you in company? Narcissists usually 'behave' in public, then treat you like dirt at home. The blame for the infidelity is narcissist behaviour. They need to be totally in control at home and everywhere they are seen. They will openly complain that all they want is to look after home/family. They will tell anyone who will listen about how badly they're treated at home, everything will be everyone else's fault. They believe themselves to be totally faultless. Unfortunately, you are in a no-win situation, nothing you will do now or in the future will please her. Whether you choose to leave or stay is your call, personally I would walk, but with needy children you are in a difficult situation. As you said leaving will cause more problems and your kids don't need to know what's going on. Your partner will turn them against you if you leave. Does she work, I would, perhaps wait till she's away (work, whatever), take the children and find a safe place. I would then contact a counsellor and ask advise about how to stay away and hidden. You sound a good, caring person who just wants to be loved and appreciated. You also seem to be a caring father. Many spouses take children away from narc spouses everyday. You need help and legal advise. Get the kids and you away, then consult a lawyer and get some advise. Fighting a narc will tire you and you need to know what you're going to be up against. Get some literature about narc's.

[Rockpool]

Hi @Scud87,

A warm welcome to the SANE Forums

I'm glad you found the forums and are able to talk about this issue here.  It sounds like such a difficult position you are in at the moment and I can appreciate that making a decision about what you want to do next is extremely hard.  The infidelity is certainly something for which she needs to take accountablity. There may have been reasons that lead to her being unfaithful, but those are her actions for which only she is responsible.  Being in a relationship where your partner continually puts you down and makes you hate everything about yourself is really hard and impacts on your self-esteem and self-worth.  It is common after being treated this way to stay in the relationship, despite the hardship.  I can only imagine how bad this must have felt to lead to attempt suicide.  I'm glad to hear that this is no longer an option for you and that you live for your children.  They really are a strong motivation to keep trying.

We cant say from the information that you have given us if your partner is narcisstic, as there are many possiblilities for her behaviour and the aim of the forum is not to diagnose but rather provide support.  Perhaps what would be helpful in this situation is building up your self-worth and changing the way you view yourself.  Sometimes when we have a negative option of ourselves we will put up with things that we normally wouldn't stand for and after being in the relationship for 11 years perhaps being treated this way has become a 'normal' part of your life. Working on yourself may give you the strength to be able to make a decision about what you want and not be pulled back in if your decision is to leave the relationship.  Continuing to work with the counsellor can provide you with this.  As @pip mentioned, if you do choose to leave the relationship, getting some legal advice may be a good idea. 

Take care @Scud87 and I hope to 'see' you around the forums soon

[Scud87]

Thank you for your input. Hopefully one day I'll get to meet a woman that would be horrified by this behaviour. Cheers

[Scud87]

Exactly. She is well behaved in public like there's nothing wrong. Her behavior towards me is extremely confusing and constantly has me dwelling and questioning everything. I have been ridiculed by her for seeking help. After being diagnosed for depression earlier this year and being prescribed anti psychotic drugs to put me to sleep at night, it opened me to a torrent of immasculating comments from her about being weak. You are right I just want to be with someone who does love me and care and someone I can dote on.

[Scud87]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and respond to my woes. Much appreciated just to hear I'm not the only one who thinks that behavior is wrong

[Cindy]

Hi there.

I really need some advice .. have been struggling with my partner of 28 years and the loss of intimacy now he is so unwell with schizophrenia.. he is my best and only friend. I'm so saddened and at a loss... What can I do to try and keep going .

[Former-Member]

Hello @Cindy

It sounds as though your world has turned upside down with your partner's diagnosis.  You are struggling with the loss of intimacy and feeling empty and alone.  To be so close to someone for so long and then the relationship changes so much would be really confusing and hurtful.

Do you have any hobbies or interests of your own?  You mentioned your partner is your best friend, I was wondering whether you have any other friends or family you can catch up with and talk to at all.

Take care, MummaMia